


Another Name for a River

by Im_a_baby



Category: Feverwake - Victoria Lee
Genre: M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:28:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 28
Words: 53,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27762997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Im_a_baby/pseuds/Im_a_baby
Summary: Dara and Noam meeting and falling in love without magic or the threat of war but still with enough problems to, hopefully, make it interesting.This mostly deals with Dara and Dara’s depression and recovery. It’s depressing but I promise it has a happy ending.Takes place in a modern Southern California because I know that well
Relationships: Noam Álvaro/Dara Shirazi
Comments: 82
Kudos: 43





	1. A First day of Class

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I’ve never written anything before! This is probably gonna suck! Lmk if there’s any obvious problems and i would love some constructive criticism. Please don’t ask me about how the government works in this, i barely understand our real government. Sacha is president and Lehrer is someone important but idk what. Just an important guy.  
> They’re at a small private high school in the Beverly Hills area.

Dara finishes his cigarette, dropping the butt on the ground, and stomping it out with a sigh. It was the first day of school, again, although this time it would be his last. Senior year. After three years of the simple and constant horror of high school, you would think a return would be dreaded, but Dara didn’t dread high school, anything is better than living out his summers with Lehrer. Dara didn’t hate high school, if anything he saw it as an escape, a break from his home life. School couldn’t start soon enough. This was his last year before he could apply to some prestigious college in Europe and truly get away from his adoptive father. If his grades weren’t enough to gain acceptance somewhere far away, his status would be. At least, that’s what Dara kept telling himself.

The summers were torture. Literal torture. The Months of nearly isolated living in Calix’s modest DC apartment meant returning to school in long sleeves and often make up to cover the bruises left on his skin. If anyone guessed what was happening, no one dared to say a word. And that was fine. At least he had Ames around most of the time. They even went on a trip out of state for a week to get away from their fathers. One more year, Dara repeated to himself. I can make it one more year. And he was back at school so Lehrer wouldn’t be able to touch him. At least, not as often as Lehrer would have been able to if Dara was home. Thank God for boarding school. 

Dara heard someone call his name and looked up to see Ames heading his way. He smiled and met her with the last few steps. “God, I’ve missed you,” Ames said throwing her arms around him. “I spent the last two weeks having to discuss the school year with my dad at dinner every night. _Junior year_ , he says, _most important for colleges_ ,“ Ames imitated her father, “As if he doesn’t know my plans for after high school. Besides, we’re rich and powerful. Why should I have to study for school when he could easily buy my way into any college? It’s not like I’m gonna change now and start to study anyway.”

“Good to see you too Ames,“ Dara hugged her back.

“I would ask you how you’ve been but judging by your turtleneck I know the answer.”

“And by the bottle of vodka stuffed in your bag you’re doing just as well.“

Ames pulled out of the hug and playfully punched his shoulder. “Watch out, Shirazi, accusations like that will get you in trouble.”

Dara rolled his eyes and they started walking towards campus, falling into a familiar conversation about school and their plans for this year. Ames was cheer captain and head of the debate team, and, at one point, an important member of the swim team; although, she was dropped from that after the third time she came to school drunk sophomore year. They met up with Bethany and Taye along the way. Bethany was a sophomore while Taye and Ames were both in their junior year. The conversation wasn’t anything too exciting, so Dara checked his phone. No new messages but a few follow requests on instagram. He’d go through those later.

“Have you guys met the new kid?” Bethany changed the topic to avoid hearing about Mr. Sadowsky’s AP calculus class for which Taye was somehow excited. Then again, he would be the only junior in the class of seniors. Dara was thankful for Taye in that class. Sadowsky’s an unbearable teacher and a friend in the class was much needed. Even if that’s friend often got on his nerves.

“B, it’s the first day of school, there are tons of new kids,” Ames put her arm around Bethany. “There’s literally an entirely new incoming freshman class.”

“He’s a junior. And no ones ever heard of him.”

“Then why are we talking about him?”

“Actually, I think I know who you’re talking about,” Taye interrupted, “Alari or Alvarez or something? Yeah, I think he’s here on a football scholarship. He’s the new quarterback. I heard his parents were immigrants. He’s really poor.”

“Wow, elitist much? Also how do you not know his name? Alari and Alvarez are pretty different.” Ames raised her eyebrows at Taye.

“All I remember is the ‘al’ sound in the beginning and those are the only two names I can think of right now.” Taye shrugged and opened a pack of skittles.

“Álvaro,” Bethany corrected. “But yeah, pretty sure he’s an immigrant.”

“If he’s so poor,” Dara started, “What’s he doing here?” There’s no way a football scholarship would cover the whole cost of tuition.

“Honestly, Dara, I thought you would’ve known. I mean, your dad did write his letter of recommendation and is probably helping out with tuition.”

“I told you to stop calling him that.” This was news to Dara. Did Calix just forget to mention this? No, more likely he kept it a secret for a reason. To make you jealous, he thought. To let you know you’re being replaced. Calix didn’t care enough to tell his own son about his new charity case. Not that it matters. The boy was a junior, Dara would probably never see him. There’s no way a poor kid from and immigrant family has received a good enough education to be in Dara’s senior AP classes, and the debate team was full so its unlikely he would be around for that. Maybe Calix didn’t tell Dara about the boy because he didn’t matter. Maybe this was truly just a publicity stunt to gain support in the upcoming election. Maybe this Álvaro kid would do what he’s meant to do without ever coming in contact with Dara. Maybe this wouldn’t change anything. Or maybe not.


	2. A lunch date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dara meets the gang for lunch. Nothing too exciting but he meets Noam for the first time

Álvaro wasn’t hard to spot. The cafeteria was packed with familiar rich kids in expensive clothes and designer bags. The boy stuck out like a sore thumb in his so obviously thrifted jeans and a backpack that looked like it was falling apart. Álvaro was already seated next to Bethany, who was most likely the one to invite him to lunch with their group. He was cute. Tall, nice hair, if a bit messy-not an expensive haircut, he probably did it himself or maybe a friend did it for him. It didn’t matter. What did matter was that he was sitting in Dara’s usual seat. Sure, its not like the seats had name tags, and maybe they didn’t expect Dara to even come to lunch but it still felt rude. A little betrayal.

“Dara! How nice of you to join us,” Ames pulled out a chair for him from the table next to them and waved off the girl who tried to protest.

And Álvaro looked up at Dara.

“Hello.”

Big, pretty eyes, opened wide in what? Wonder? Surprise? Awe? Whatever word fits best, this new kid noticed Dara and was impressed. He was practically drooling, mouth open, seemingly forgetting himself and the world around him. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t that dramatic but he still took in a breath and was at a loss for words for a few seconds.

“Hi, I’m Noam. I take it you’re Dara.”

“I must be.” And Dara sat down. There was a moment of silence where Álvaro-Noam looked expectantly at Dara, waiting for something, anything. Nothing came. If he was uncomfortable before, Noam was sure to feel even more out of place now. Ames looked confused or maybe disappointed in Dara before redirecting the conversation.

Noam didn’t seem to want to talk much about his family, keeping his answers short and to the point with the exception of his father, who he mentioned was an activist and an undocumented immigrant. He mentioned this three, maybe four times. Each time he did mention it, the table got a bit uncomfortable. Ames, Bethany, and Taye hesitating on what to say to that, not wanting to make Noam more uneasy. It was almost laughable. Álvaro took every chance he got to bring up his fathers status, it felt like some form of unconscious defense against the upper class by which he was now surrounded. It was as though he was trying to start a debate on politics and find out how privileged this school really is; the core beliefs of each of them without directly asking.

Taye took the bait. He and Noam spent the next few minutes debating current political policies and the most effective methods to enforce them. Noam did surprisingly well, his points were valid and sound, if a bit naïve. So he’s not stupid.

When he was talking about politics, Noam’s passion became obvious. His core values were strong and selfless. If Dara was being honest with himself, it was hot. Still, Dara was upset with Lehrer for hiding this from him and he was mad at Noam for dominating the political conversation with all his ideas. As if Noam really, truly knew anything about politics or the men who run this country.

Lunch ended and Dara’s uneaten meal was thrown out. He caught Noam staring when he did that. Judging him. It made him feel sick and he instinctively pulled at his sleeves, wanting to hide.

Taye and Bethany walked with Noam to class and Dara fell behind to walk with Ames.

“You don’t like him.”

“I never said that.”

“You don’t have to, its written all over your face. You hardly said a word at lunch. You barely touched your food.” She looked concerned. “Come on, Dara. You either hate Noam or the last few weeks with Lehrer were a lot worse than you let on. Which is it?”

Dara shook his head. “Neither. I’m fine. Noam’s fine. I’m just not feeling very sociable today.”

“Alright then,” Ames sighed. “I know just what will cheer you up.”

“Vodka shots in the bathroom?” Dara asked hopefully.

“Vodka shots in the bathroom.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the path to class.

A few heads looked up when Dara came into his class late, but other than that, no one seemed to notice anything off; or, if they did, no one said anything. The shots did help a bit and he relaxed for the rest of the day and managed to avoid getting sick completely. Maybe alcohol tolerance really is a learnable skill, contrary to what they learned in health class freshman year. Or maybe after three years, he finally gained the skill of throwing up and not throwing up on command. That seemed more likely. Years of practice and all.

After school, even on the first day, the debate club met and they started going over their plans for this school year, although they mostly gossiped. Dara stared out the window and tried to spot Noam in the crowd of football players in the field with no luck. From here, they all looked the same. Dara imagined what Noam was doing right now. Struggling to run drills, feeling self conscious and a little bit angry about his worn out cleats when he saw what the majority of the team was wearing. Maybe someone would comment on his gear and Noam would start a fight. Is Noam a fighter? He definitely seemed that way at lunch but its hard to tell from one meeting. Maybe he’d brush off the comments they made and impress them with his skills. He is here on a scholarship after all. He must be good.

Dara passed by the field after debate ended, walking Ames to cheer practice. It was just an excuse to get closer to the field though. And it worked. They got really close. Some of the guys on the field whistled when Bethany bent over to pick up her pompoms and Ames responded with a string of profanities and some equally as disturbing gestures. Dara spotted Noam separate from the group, not even looking in their direction. He was focused and determined, doing… whatever it is that football players do.

Ames kissed Dara’s cheek before sending him off, back to the library to work on homework or something. It’s the first day of school, how much homework could they give out? Dara left but kinda wished he would’ve stayed and watched the football players.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please give feedback if u want I’m really looking to improve!  
> This may have been rushed but I couldn’t stop thinking about it so yeah. Anyway. I appreciate anything you all have for me.


	3. Phone call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Idk i just wanted to move things along! Lmk if u thought its boring, i was just vibing.

The first week went by without another event. Dara spent his days like he did the previous years by drinking from noon til midnight and going through the usual motions. The only thing that changed this year was Noam, and Noam seemed to change a lot of things. For one, their lunch table got bigger. Well, it didn’t. The table stayed the same size and each day the last one to the table would pull up a spare chair. It probably would’ve been easier to just move to a bigger table, but you know how high schoolers are in the cafeteria. Territorial. And moving to a bigger table would invite more people to sit with them, which Dara didn’t want. Not that he wasn’t a fan of people, but meal times weren’t exactly the best time to network. A bigger table meant more people around watching him eat, which was bad. He either stopped eating entirely or ate more than he intended and threw it up later in the bathroom.

Lunch wasn’t the only thing Noam impacted on campus. Ames and Bethany stayed later after cheer practice watching Noam on the football field, which was annoying because Dara didn’t want to spend every afternoon watching the football players. Well, that’s not exactly true. He did want to watch the football players but he didn’t want the football players to know that. He didn’t want one football player to know that. Bethany didn’t want to watch the football players either but he wasn’t going to be the one to tell Ames that. Dara decided to spend most afternoons in the library getting ahead on his schoolwork and then he would go and sit on the bleachers with Ames and Bethany while Taye and Noam did whatever it was football players do. 

The problem was that Dara could finish his homework quickly. Ten minutes on each subject, except calculus, calculus sucks. Calculus takes thirty to fourth minutes and anything he didn’t finish, he would copy off of Taye later. He would often finish his homework in less than an hour and have to wait another complete hour until the football team was done on the field and they could all go get cleaned up and then get dinner. So between four thirty and five thirty Dara spent his time alone in the library or chatting with whoever happened to be nearby. It was fine but it was not where he wanted to be. Sure, the previous years he would go directly to the football field after school and do his homework there but he really didn’t want to now. That, and the heat was killer and his turtlenecks were not helping him keep cool. The library was air conditioned so at least there was that. In another week and a half his bruises would finally have faded enough for him to break out some cooler clothes. Hopefully. If not, he could break out a powerful concealer and hope that no one notices. At least Lehrer avoided his face this time. There was something he could be thankful for.

Noam also had a habit of ruining game night. Kind of. It’s not like they ever has a designated game night but after dinner Ames, Bethany, Taye, and Dara could almost always be found lounging in the common area of the dorms playing poker. Until Noam showed up. Noam spent his evenings reading books, doing homework, and studying anything and everything. It wouldn’t have mattered if he hadn’t been so judgmental about it. You could see the resentment Noam had for them. He wouldn’t say anything but the first night Noam was there, he asked to play with them and Dara shot him down. Yes, it was mean but Dara didn’t ask for Noam to be there and there was no way he would let Noam anywhere without a fight. So Dara played poker; setting the bets higher and higher each game until he could feel Noam’s energy from the other side of the room and Noam would storm out. It was satisfying. Sure, there was no obvious reason for Dara to treat Noam so poorly, but knowing that Lehrer wanted Noam here was enough to make Dara dislike him. Sometimes Noam would manage to let his annoyance leek all throughout the room, and after he left, they would change their game or watch a movie instead. An hour or so later Noam would come back, calm again, and sit on one of the couches to watch the end of the movie with them. 

The weekend came and went. Dara took Ames down into the city and spent Friday and Saturday night clubbing; drinking, dancing, hooking up with older men in dirty bathrooms. It would’ve been fine if Álvaro wasn’t staying up in the dorm lobby when they got back each night. He never said anything more than a hello or goodnight, he was too busy studying; but it made Dara mad anyway. 

He shouldn’t even have been here in the first place. What made him so special that Calix would take interest in the boy? Sure, he was good at football. Smart too, even if he had a lot of work to catch up on, but did that make Noam better than him? Why is Noam so special?

What made it even worse was how so obviously grateful Noam was to be here. It’s not even been a week and Noam spends all his time trying to improve, to feel worthy of his scholarship. To make someone proud. Noam stays up until three studying each night and works hard at his practice each day. Dara hated it.

On Tuesday of their third week of school, a rumor spread about Noam’s criminal record. Apparently he got caught hacking into government servers or something? Deleted a bunch of important records and did some good things for the immigrants in the area. Although, in English, someone said Noam hacked into the pentagon to steal military secrets, so who knows what really happened? Dara sure wasn’t going to ask. Ames thought it was cool and gave Noam a high five after practice that day. Any information Dara learned about Noam was almost against his will. People liked having something to talk about and Noam was new and exciting. 

On Thursday after dinner, while they sat watching a movie, Dara got a call from Lehrer. He got up quickly and stepped outside to answer. 

“What do you want?”

“Most people say ‘hello’ at the beginning of a phone call,” The voice on the other end of the line sounded amused. When Dara didn’t reply to that, Lehrer continued, “Can’t I just call once in a while to check up on you?”

“No. You don’t ever call to just ‘check up’ on me. What do you want?” 

“I’ll be in town tomorrow. We’ll get dinner at 6 and I’ll send a car for you. Don’t be late.”

Dara didn’t respond for a moment, brows furrowed. “Okay. Is that all?” 

“Yes, that’s all.” Dara didn’t reply. It didn’t seem like the end of the conversation. Lehrer spoke again, “And, Dara, Don’t show up drunk tomorrow.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good.” Lehrer ended the call. 

Dara went back inside and sat back down in his seat. He was upset that he couldn’t help but feel excited to have dinner with Calix. Just the two of them, which almost never happens.

“What did he want?” Ames asked, reaching for her cup of soda on the table. 

Dara pulled up his blanket again, trying to get comfortable. “Calix requested my presence at dinner tomorrow night.” 

That got Noam’s attention. “Calix Lehrer?” He asked, confused.

“Yeah,” Taye answered. “Lehrer’s Dara’s dad.”

“Don’t call him that.” Dara said, but it was largely ignored. 

“You’re Calix Lehrer’s son?” Noam looked at Dara with that same stupid expression on his face. 

“Yes, Álvaro, _legally_ I am his son.” Dara snapped at him. Noam shut up with a quick apology, saying he ‘didn’t know’ or was ‘just surprised’.

Ames made a comment on how a dinner invitation hardly warranted a phone call.

Dara didn’t care. He pressed play again on the movie and things went back to normal.


	4. Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I literally do not know what happens in this chapter and I post it without reading thru it. I’ll edit tomorrow I just want to have done something today. :)

School on Friday was fine. Dara got up, went to classes, and resisted the urge to open any new liquor bottles the whole day.

Sure, lunch was a test. Fucking annoying too. Noam arrived last to lunch and had to grab a chair. Dara thought about throwing his bag down where Noam wanted to move his chair but decided against it. Ames would’ve yelled at him later for it. And it was its own victory to see Noam stuck at the corner of the table without much room to eat.

Dara was attempting to pull the skin off of some grapes when someone approached their table.

“Hey, Dara.”

“Hey Brett,” Dara dropped his grape back on his plate and looked up at the guy. “Need something?”

Brett put his hand on the back of Dara’s chair and leaned a bit towards him, obviously flirting. “I was just wondering if you were going to Monica’s party tonight.”

Dara gave Brett a little smile but leaned back in his chair, away from the guy, and crossed his arms. “I didn’t think I was invited.”

“That’s never stopped you before.” He looked Dara over in way not meant for public. It shouldn’t have made him so uncomfortable. He was use to being looked at like that.

Dara laughed a little, “Yeah, okay. I’ll be there but let Monica know I’m coming.”

“Okay.” He said. Brett let himself linger, hesitant to remove his hand from the back of Dara’s chair. “I’ll see you then.”

“Bye, Brett.” Ames waved and he finally left.

Dara let his smile drop the moment Brett turned away.

Noam watched Brett walk away. “Was that your boyfriend or something?” He had the audacity to ask.

Ames started laughing.

“No, Brett isn’t my boyfriend.” Dara shot her a look but she was still laughing.

“They’re more like fuck buddies or friends with benefits.”

“I am not friends with Brett.”

“Then why was he asking about some party?” Noam picked up his fork again and continued to eat. He looked just a bit irritated. Jealous, maybe? Probably not. Noam knows Dara’s cute but Dara’s also mean enough to keep Noam from wanting anything with him.

Ames was able to answer that once she had herself under control again, “Dara and Brett hooked up sometime last year and Brett hasn’t been able to get over it since. He’s always asking Dara to hangout, go to parties, and other shit. It’s really pathetic.”

“Ames, don’t be mean.” Bethany bumped her with an elbow. Then she turned to Noam, “But, yeah, its kinda pathetic.”

“And who names their kid ‘Brett’ anyway? Like what is that?” Taye contributed to the conversation very well for someone who wasn’t listening.

They made fun of Brett until lunch was over. Sure, it was mean but nothing they said would be repeated. Brett literally meant nothing to him so Dara didn’t really care.

Heading straight to the bleachers after school, Dara was able to pick a good spot to sit. Everyone else went to the locker rooms to change for practice so he had a few minutes alone.

Dara rolled up one sleeve to inspect the remaining bruising. It was almost healed completely, just faint enough to be seen if you were looking for it. He could start wearing short sleeves again on Monday. Thank god for that. It was nearly one hundred degrees outside and he had to sit on the uncovered metal bleachers in a dark turtleneck. Not fun, but better than the alternative of sitting alone in the library for an hour and a half before he had to go to dinner with Calix. Dara didn’t like to be alone before he saw Lehrer. When he was alone, he started thinking, and then he would feel bad. And then he would see Lehrer and feel worse after. And then the next few days he would drink heavily-more heavily-to feel better and then he would have to deal with the repercussions of that. Ugh.

So the athletes came out and they got to practicing. Ames spent most of her time with Dara on the bleachers while she made the rest of the girls on the cheer team run laps.

Freshman year, Dara was on the tennis team, but he had to quit pretty early because the uniforms didn’t cover his bruising well. It hurt. Tennis was something he enjoyed and he was really good at it. Calix wasn’t happy when Dara told him that he quit but Calix never said much about it. He knew why Dara quit and Dara was so afraid everyone else knew it too. He shouldn’t be thinking about this. He came out here to avoid thinking about things like this.

Ames could tell that he was overthinking things. “When do you think you’ll finally warm up to Noam?”

Dara was thankful for something else to think about. “I don’t know. He’s just… unbearable to be around. Maybe when he does something to make me like him.”

Ames scoffed at him. “God, Shirazi, do you even hear yourself? Why does Noam have to do something to be worthy of your friendship? He hasn’t done anything wrong, just let him be. I’ve never seen you act so cruelly to someone before without a reason.”

Dara had nothing to say to that.

“If you have a reasons, please let me know! I mean, Wednesday you insulted his shoes enough that he spent the rest of the day insecure about it. Do you even know how bad you’re being?” She didn’t look like she was going to stop anytime soon. “If this is somehow because Lehrer helped him get into this school, Dara-I swear-“

“Okay! God, I get it, okay? I’m being a dick. You don’t have to yell at me for it.” Dara rubbed his eyes then checked his phone. “I need to go now.”

Ames didn’t say anything. She looked out at the field and watched Bethany and the rest of the girls taking a water break.

“I’ll see you tonight, okay?”

Ames sighed and looked at Dara with pleading eyes. “You don’t have to go to dinner. Just, stay here. We can make fun of the football players until practice is over, order sushi, and watch a movie back in the dorms.”

He wanted that. He really did. “You know I can’t.”

“You could.”

“He’d make me regret it.”

Ames didn’t reply.

Dara got up from the bleachers and waved at some of the football players when he left.

Dinner with Lehrer went worse than he expected. He met Lehrer at the restaurant and he gave Dara a backhanded compliment before he did anything else. Then they sat down at the table together and he ordered Dara’s meal for him. He commented on how much Dara was eating and so Dara stopped eating.

At the beginning of the night, he thought that maybe Calix would be kind but it didn’t seem like he was in that sort of mood tonight. Dara tried to keep the conversation civil but then Lehrer brought up Noam. It hurt to see him smile like that. Dara meant nothing to him. Calix told Dara all about how he met Noam after he got caught for the second time hacking into police records and made it all disappear on the condition that Noam goes to this prestigious private high school and play football. Lehrer liked that Noam was in awe of him. That Noam was thankful for being helped, and that Noam had ambition, talent, and he wasn’t as totally fucked up in the ways Dara was.

He told Dara all about Noam’s family history and what he went through before coming to the school. And without directly saying it, he told Dara all the ways that Noam was better than him.

Calix cut dinner short and Dara couldn’t say no when he took them back to his apartment. Dara couldn’t make a scene at the restaurant and he couldn’t do anything but a gentle protest when they got home. He wasn’t as rough as he could’ve been but Dara could still feel the bruises beginning to form under his skin when Calix was done.

Cleaning up in the bathroom took longer than he meant it to and when he looked in the mirror, there was another bruise forming under his eye. That would last a few days but there wasn’t much swelling, so at least he could cover it with makeup. Or he thought he could. Dara had left everything of his back at the school so he would have to walk through campus with a visible black eye until he got up into his room.

They had plans to pregame at eight thirty after Dara got back from dinner with Lehrer, expecting that not to take longer than a few hours, and then head to the party whenever they felt like it. But Dara didn’t get back until nine and he stopped by a convince store on the way back to the school and picked up a few decent bottles of whiskey on the way.

The night sky had hid his face enough but the dorm lobby was different. It was a Friday night and anyone not already gone was in the lobby, getting ready to leave. He kept his head down and was able to avoid talking to anyone all the way up to his room. Dara thought he was safe once he opened the door, but there was Ames. On his bed. Waiting for him. She didn’t look happy either.

“You’re late.” She saw his face and got up to look at him in the light. Ames touched his eye and it didn’t hurt as much as he thought it would. “I’m gonna fucking kill him.”

“No. I can’t do this now.” He pulled her hand away. Ames understood and instead, she helped him apply the makeup and cover up any evidence of Lehrer. Dara was tired. He offered Ames whiskey and she accepted. After Dara got changed, they headed back down into the lobby to meet up with Taye and Noam


	5. A Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They go to a party! Bethany isn’t here be she’s 15 and Ames would not let them take Bethany to this party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for underaged drinking and attempted r*pe  
> I still haven’t figured out how to use this site so if anyone wants to inform me on how to indent, or create better separation between paragraphs, i would love the help!  
> Also I forgot to mention in the last chapter, Lehrer has multiple homes, specifically one in LA where this is taking place, and one in DC where he spends most of his time. Think of LA like a vacation home? Or something? Idk calix spends lots of time in California anyway and likes having two houses?? I mean, what decent politician doesn’t have a house on each coast?

Technically, neither Taye nor Noam were invited to the party but no one was going to stop them, especially if they showed up with Dara and Ames. Dara didn’t really want Noam to come but he also didn’t have the energy to argue when Ames invited him.

Noam looked underdressed in modest clothes and old sneakers compared to what everyone else was wearing. Or maybe it was overdressed, Noam could definitely have afforded to show a bit more skin. Besides, it would be hot. Dara was dressed in a far more revealing outfit than any he had worn since school started. The new bruises had yet to fully form and since the old ones were almost gone, he figured this might be his only chance for another few weeks to wear anything but a turtleneck. He caught Noam staring at him when they walked through the lobby, out to the car.

Ames sat in the front seat and Taye argued with Dara about who would sit in the middle seat. Dara did not want to have to sit next to Noam but Taye was being ridiculous. It was a fifteen minute drive, it would’ve been fine for Taye to sit there but he kept saying how he and Noam were both “over six feet tall” and that its “fucking painful to sit in the middle seat in a tiny car when you’re that tall” and that “you would understand if you weren’t so short”. So Dara relented and took the middle seat. It wasn’t worth it to argue much.

Once everyone was settled in the car, Dara passed around his already opened bottle of whiskey. Taye and Ames drank happily but Noam hesitated a second when Dara handed him the bottle. Their fingers brushed and Dara felt his heart beat just a bit faster. This is exactly why he didn’t want to sit by Noam.

“You ever have whiskey before?”

Noam shook his head, “No, not whiskey.”

“Don’t worry, its not as bad as people say it is.”

Ames turned around in her seat to look at them, “That is absolutely not true-whiskey sucks.”

“It tastes better when you drink more.” Dara watched as Noam tried it, not a fan but still grateful for the alcohol. He gave Dara the bottle back and Ames laughed at him.

“Still better than what my friends and I would drink back home.”

Dara smiled a little and drank more. A lot more. At this rate, he would black out before eleven. He was feeling bad. Dinner sucked and he still felt sick from what happened back at Lehrer’s apartment. Hopefully the party would be a good enough distraction, and if not, someone there would be. “And what was it you drank then?”

Noam answered and they talked about the shitty moonshine he use to get back home until they arrived at the house.

It was enormous. Sleek and modern with heavy landscaping and a very, very large front door. Noam looked impressed and a bit overwhelmed.

“Yeah, Monica’s dad is a big producer, he’s out in, what? Italy right now filming some movie about cars.” Taye gave an adequate explanation and lead them up to the house.

Ames rang the doorbell and another guest took them back to where most everyone was. It was crowded. Dara didn’t recognize most of the people there and those who he did know, he wasn’t excited to talk to again. So, he got a drink. The whiskey he brought was gone before they walked through the front door and all that Monica had put out was lots and lots of vodka, so Dara drank vodka. Bringing Ames a drink, he wanted to dance. Ames downed her drink quickly and they did dance. For a while, they danced together and then Dara could feel someone else’s hands on him and he danced with them instead. He lost track of Ames and everyone else after that.

And he felt good. The room was spinning and he had never felt lighter. Dara stumbled back to the counter to get another drink each time he thought he could feel something and then he would stumble to the bathroom to throw up everything. He tried to go back to the drinks at one point but someone stopped him, took his drink, and gave him water instead. He drank the water after deciding it was probably a good idea to drink it and then he headed back to the dance floor, ignoring whatever it was the person was trying to say to him. Maybe the guy was asking if Dara was okay. Which was a stupid question because Dara felt fantastic.

He danced more for a while, got more water, found some interesting pills, and danced more. Then someone was kissing him. Dara could feel the guy pulling him off of the dance floor and away from people. Dara followed without hesitation but the guy was impatient and Dara was having trouble remembering how his feet worked.

They finally got to a bedroom, maybe a guest room, it had been a while since he had been to Monica’s house, and Dara felt the guy help lay him down on the bed. The guy went back and closed the door and suddenly everything was quiet. He could still hear the party going on around him, but it was much quieter. Dara tried to prop himself up on his elbows and started to feel sick. He got off the bed and walked towards the bathroom as best he could, barely making it to the toilet before he threw up again. He sat there for a second, trying to get ahold of himself before he got up again and wiped off his mouth and returned to the room with the guy.

Whoever he was, he was tall, too tall, no longer cute or impressive but intimidating, and the lights being dimmed didn’t help. Dara felt hands pulling him towards the bed again and the guy was on top of him. His hands were unbuttoning Dara’s shirt and his mouth was kissing Dara’s neck but Dara just lay there and looked up at the ceiling.

“Wait.”

But the guy kept going. His hands were on Dara’s pants, attempting to take them off. This guy’s hands were too soft, strong, and big-he came here to forget about Lehrer, not relive it. Dara felt sick again. This time though he was struggling to stay conscious.

“Stop,” Dara said louder this time.

The man removed his hands from Dara but it wasn’t to stop. Instead he was grabbing Dara’s arms and holding him down. “Is that how you want to play?”

Fear erupted in Dara, but he was wasted and too dizzy to fight the guy off, too confused. He was panicked but he could barely walk. A voice told him to relax, that everything would be easier if he just let go and let it happen. He wouldn’t remember it tomorrow anyway, why should it matter what this stranger does?

There was a knock at the door and whoever it was didn’t wait for an answer before opening it. Dara curled over onto his side, the man had let go of him when the door opened.

They were arguing, for sure. Dara wasn’t sure how many people were there but another showed up at some point and then the guy who brought him here in the first place left, probably. It was hard to tell. Someone was now helping him up, re-buttoning his shirt, and asking him questions.

Dara tried to answer but the other guys words were impossible to understand. Everything was jumbled and far away. Dara could faintly feel hands on his arms, hold him up, and there was dark hair in front of him. Dara wasn’t sure why they were making such a big deal out of all of this. Nothing even happened. He didn’t do anything.

_Then why are you crying?_

Dara brought a hand up and touched his cheek. He was crying. He felt sick again but tried to push that away for now. His hands were shaking. Dara took a breath to call himself down.

The guy was turned away from him talking to the other person in the room, and, when he turned back to look at Dara, his eyes looked concerned. Upset, but pretty. His eyes were so pretty. In that moment, Dara felt like the world would end if he didn’t tell this guy that he had the prettiest eyes he’s ever seen.

That caught this guy off guard and he relaxed a bit, laughed even, and helped Dara stand, and then Dara felt Ames put her arm around him and the guy let go of him. He felt better leaning on Ames and the next thing he remembers was someone taking his shoes off and falling asleep in a bed.


	6. A Brunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after the party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, i know we all dont like to hear about whoever tf this “Brett” guy is but honestly i just needed someone there to fuck! shit! Up! And I promise there wont be much, if any, more of him

The sun was shinning bright, through the window onto Dara’s face, waking him up. Pulling the pillow over his head only brought him temporary relief because soon Ames came into the room and sat down on the bed.

“You finally awake?”

Dara just groaned in response. Everything hurt. He sat up and Ames has a trash can ready for him to throw up in.

“I made eggs. Are you hungry?”

No, he was not hungry, but he was thirsty and he reached for a cup of water on Ames night stand. “How did we get back to your house?”

She took the empty cup when he was done with it and put it back on the nightstand. “Does it matter?”

It didn’t really matter. What Dara actually wanted to know was what happened last night; the bits and pieces were coming back slowly. He remembered the room with the guy but he couldn’t remember who the guy was-and he could remember someone’s hands on his arms, and a concerned voice asking if he was okay.

“Well, it’s only, like, twelve thirty, so if you want to go back to sleep you can, but I should probably take Noam back to school.”

“Noam’s here?” That was unusual. “What happened to Taye?”

Ames lay down next to Dara and rest her head on her hand. “Do you not remember _anything_? Like, at all?”

“I remember someone interrupting me in a spare bedroom at Monica’s house and… no, that’s it.” He leaned back in her bed and shut his eyes, trying to remember where Ames keeps her painkillers.

“Is that what you think happened?”

Dara shrugged.

Ames rolled her eyes, “Ya know, I think I won’t tell you what happened. It might be better if you don’t know.”

Was it really that bad? “Ames, please.” He opened his eyes again to look at her. She smiled.

“Noam’s actually a good person, incase you were wondering.” She was looking pretty happy. “I never disliked him, but after last night, I trust him with your life.”

“My life? Not your own?”

“Eh, I could probably trust him with my life, but last night he proved a great asset for house parties.”

“What does that mean?”

“He beat the shit outta Brett. I had to pull him off of him.” She said with a smile.

“Brett? What did Brett do?” Was Brett even there last night? Is that who dragged him away from the rest of the party? God, it was hard to remember and his head hurt.

Ames reached over to the nightstand and pulled out a bottle of pills, handing Dara two. “Brett got to you late last night, you were really messed up, and dragged you back to one of Monica’s spare bedrooms. I didn’t see it, or else I would’ve done something.” Ames looked apologetic there. “Noam did see it, and he went to look for you, but he was having trouble navigating the house, and when he finally did find you, he said that you were practically unconscious, but still protesting, and Brett was being a fucking asshole. Anyway,” She sat up now, “Brett tried to get Noam to forget about the whole thing and go back to the party, so Noam hit him. And he kept hitting him. Eventually someone came and got me, but by then Brett was bleeding out of everywhere on his face, and there was a rumor Noam broke one of his teeth, but Brett went to the hospital right away and its confirmed he’s got a broken nose. I figured that was enough partying for one night, and took us all home. Taye left around nine this morning to help Bethany with her math homework.”

Dara didn’t know how to feel. After all that he had done to make Noam’s life miserable, he was there to help when things went bad. But did things go bad? Dara couldn’t remember. Yes, he was drunk, but he went willingly with Brett, didn’t he? It’s not like he hasn’t had sex while drunk before. Maybe they were over reacting, but Ames didn’t seem to think Noam over reacted. His head hurt too much to think about this right now.

“So Noam’s good at house parties.”

Ames threw a pillow at him and then got up. “Like I said, I made eggs and you have to eat something before I take you back to school, so, come to the kitchen when you wake up.”

“Do I have to?”

Ames ignored that and left.

He lay in bed for a few more minutes before getting up. Dara caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and then searched Ames bathroom for something to help cover the black eye, which was honestly pointless because Ames was super pale and Dara was, well, not. He gave up after deciding that anything he did would probably make it worse, and headed to the kitchen to eat breakfast. Or, try to eat breakfast.

The painkillers were finally starting to kick in and so he was much less irritable when he arrive in the kitchen. Noam was chatting with Ames about their English class, getting along pretty well. When did they become friends?

Ames gave Dara a plate of eggs-egg, actually. She knew they’d be lucky if he ate one egg. “I was just telling Noam about the time you got kicked out of that club in Vegas.”

“And what in the world inspired that?” He sat down next to Noam at the counter. Noam had his own plate of eggs in front of him, and Dara could see his bruised knuckles when he reached for the fork; and when he turned his head, Noam had a black eye. Okay, so Noam did beat up someone last night. Wether or not that guy was Brett is still up for debate. Not that he doesn’t believe Ames, but Brett is pretty fucking big, and Noam, while no one would ever describe him as short, was not as big as Brett, so it would really take something to try and fight him.

“Well-hold on,” her phone was ringing. “It’s B, I gotta take this.” Ames then left Dara all alone with Noam.

It was quiet. They could hear Ames chatting with Bethany, definitely not an emergency or anything. Dara could see Noam was uncomfortable and trying to think of something to say. Maybe he should say something, put him out of his misery, but that would mean having to talk to Noam. At this point, Dara was willing to admit that he might be developing a crush on Noam but that did not mean he had to be nice to him.

Finally, Noam broke the silence. “So, you like my eyes?”

Dara wanted to die. Out of all the things that happened last night, he couldn’t have forgotten that? With no hole to swallow him up, Dara just leaned forward and put his head in his hand, elbows resting on the granite counters. “You’re not gonna let me live that down, are you?” He glanced over at Noam, who was looking a bit too pleased with this.

“Of course not,” he was smiling, “You just went on and on about it. At one point, you started to try to identify the constellations that the lights would reflect in my eyes. I didn’t even know you knew anything about the stars.” Tiny fragments of memories of Noam there, helping Dara out of the house were coming back. So maybe everything Ames said was true.

“God, that’s embarrassing.” Dara could feel his cheeks getting warm. “Would you mind keeping that to yourself?”

“What, you afraid it’ll ruin your reputation or something? Don’t want people to know you’re not as tough as you act like you are?”

Dara reached over and shoved him, “Please shut up. Álvaro, I swear I’m gonna knock that stupid smile off your face if you ever tell anyone I said that.”

He was laughing. They both were. It felt nice. Dara couldn’t remember the last time he laughed. He and Noam finished their food and, yes, Dara ate his single egg without much trouble. Yesterday sucked, no question, but maybe today would be better.

“Thank you, Noam. For helping me out last night.” Dara looked directly at Noam to tell him that, and they held eye contact for a second too long. Noam’s cheeks turned red.

“Anyone would have done the same.”

Dara let his smile drop slowly, shaking his head, “No. No, they wouldn’t.” Noam was about to protest when Dara got up, taking their plates away, doing their dishes. It was an effective end to the conversation, but it wasn’t as uncomfortable as it could’ve been.

Ames came back a few minutes later and they took an Uber back to school. Noam didn’t ask about Dara’s black eye, and he didn’t mention anything else that happened last night again. They got back to school and Dara spent the rest of his day reading by a window and playing games in the dorm lobby with everyone else. He was much nicer to Noam. Ames was right. Noam was actually a good person.

Later that night, Dara lay in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, thinking. Sure, he may have been very, very drunk the previous night, but Noam really did have the prettiest eyes he had ever seen.


	7. A return to school

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just a lunch date in the cafeteria, and fuckin brett comes back to school. Pretty sure this is the last time we ever see brett. Brett can go fuck himself.

Sunday felt good. Dara started the day with coffee with Ames, and then he dragged her to a fancy little book shop to look for new books. They spent a while laughing at shitty romance novels and making fun of the titles of any book they found remotely funny. Noam spent his Sunday picking up shifts at some little corner store somewhere, and Dara almost suggested he and Ames drive around to look for it. Instead, they got sushi and went shopping. To be honest, Ames wasn’t much of a fan of any of their activities that day, but Dara knew she was just happy to spend time with him that wasn’t drinking and partying. And, of course, she knew how bad Friday was and that shopping could be a good distraction. It worked better than Dara had expected it to.

They got back to school around six and spent the rest of the playing card games and watching movies. Taye found some weird, new candy at a new candy shop and wanted everyone to try it and Bethany spent some time trying to convince Ames to give her alcohol, which did not work. It was a good day, and when Noam got back from his work and tried to sit next to Dara on the couch, Dara moved his feet out of the way instead of chasing him off. 

The two of them talked about whatever book Dara was reading and argued about all sorts of things until they went to bed. It was nice to have someone to discuss his books with, and Noam was smart enough to have valid opinions in all his arguments. Noam was a little frustrating at times, okay, very frustrating, most of the time; stuck in his opinions of the world and unable to see the bad in the people he idolized. Very naïve, but at least his opinions were in favor of the people, anticapitalist and so strong. Anyone who heard them talking must have thought Noam was insane, but Dara loved it. Noam had such selfless ideas, he wants to help people. He wants to make the world better, he wants justice and a country he could be proud of. Yeah, okay, Dara really likes Noam. So much. He wanted to spend more than just the evening, but the rest of the night, until the sun came up in the morning just listening to Noam talk about communism and computers. Noam, thankful for a new laptop, was greatly disappointed when he realized the school issued computers were Apple. Noam told Dara all about how Apple sucks in all the different ways. He also told Dara that he managed to remove the school’s software and he could roam freely without eyes on his screen. He offered to show Dara how its done, but Dara declined, telling Noam that Calix didn’t accept the school’s laptop and instead bought him something different. Although, Dara was sure Calix installed his own spyware on Dara’s computer. 

Noam headed to bed around one, saying something about how, if he didn’t sleep now, he never would. Which might be true, but it was a little disappointing to see Noam go. The sky was pretty clear that night and Dara spent a while watching the stars after everyone else was gone. 

Monday came and went. School was fine, Dara’s black eye wasn’t too bad and was easily covered with makeup. The rest of his bruises were surprisingly not bad too. His oldest ones had faded and Calix didn’t leave anything too bad on Friday. He had one new bruise on his left bicep and some hidden under the rest of his clothes, but Dara decided he could finally wear short sleeves again. It was early September now but the weather was not cooling down quite yet. People talked about Noam and his bruised knuckles, when anyone asked him what he did Noam would reply with, “Ask Brett.” Nothing notable happened on Tuesday but Brett finally returned to school on Wednesday with some nasty bruises and tape on his nose. 

“I’m surprised he didn’t press charges.” Taye commented when Brett first walked into the cafeteria. 

“No way.” Ames stared at him from across the room. “He knows what he was doing was wrong, there were plenty of witnesses, and that if Lehrer wouldn’t help him out, I’d put my own team of lawyers behind Noam.”

“You have your own personal team of lawyers?” Noam looked at her, “Do you need them often?”

She turned and smiled at him. “Of course. Dara and I get into a lot of trouble, you know.” 

“Sure but wouldn’t you just call your dad? I mean, your name should be enough to get out anyway, right?” Bethany arrived at the table and pulled out a chair. 

“She’s got a point.” Dara was pulling leaves off of his strawberries. “If Lehrer can save some random immigrant kid from being arrested on charges of, what was it? Cyber terrorism or something? Then Gordon Ames should be able to get his own daughter off of a possession charge.” 

“It wasn’t terrorism!” Noam tried to defend himself but they just ignored him. 

“Okay, Dara, so you think that the next time we’re arrested, it would be a good idea to call our guardians first?” 

Oof. “I’m not planning on getting arrested again. I think Calix might literally kill me if I do.” He said it with a joking tone but Ames dropped her smile. 

The table was silent and Dara held eyes with Ames for a few seconds. The noise of the cafeteria was much louder than it had been before. He shouldn’t joke about that stuff. Ames hates it when he does and it makes him feel sick. 

“So, homecoming is in two weeks.” Bethany, lovely Bethany, provided a new topic of discussion. ”Do you guys know who you’re going with?”

“Isn’t it, like, early to decide on who you’re going with?” Noam asked, mouth full of food. Disgusting. 

“Not really.” Ames leaned back in her chair and pulled out her phone. “Then again, I always go with Dara, so I have no clue. I guess we could all go in a group this year, since we’ve got an odd number now.” 

“Do you want to go in a group?” Dara raised his eyebrows at her. 

“Do you not?” She smiled at him. “What? Are you jealous or something? Want me all to yourself?” 

He threw a strawberry at her. “Absolutely not. If I have to spend one more dance with you in your enormous heels, I will set the place on fire.” 

“Don’t be mad because you’re short. You could wear heels too.” 

They argued for the rest of lunch about who they would go with to homecoming, and where they would take pictures, and all that. Dara kinda wished it would just be him and Ames but he was also excited to think about Noam all dressed up and looking nice in something other than sneakers and sweatpants. 

Dara watched Noam laugh and he let himself smile. Noam’s stupid face didn’t have to be so pretty. Beautiful brown eyes, of course but all his emotions were so expressive on his face, and that stupid smile made Dara melt. He was starting to blush, so he looked away, and took a sip of water. He made the mistake of looking at Ames, who was already looking at him. She knows. She must. Why else would she be looking at him like that? Ames was sure to tease him about this later. 

They met up with the debate team really quickly after school and then they all headed to their sports or extracurriculars. Dara decided to do his homework on the bleachers that day, and he and Ames made fun of the football players until their practice was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did i proofread? No. Will i? Probably not. Lmk if u see any obvious errors and i will fix them.  
> Thanks for reading! All your comments and kudos mean so much to me so thank you everyone for supporting me!


	8. A Hallway Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noam and dara talk. Ames and dara talk. There’s drinking but its pretty mild.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, i did change the title of this work! I had a dream last night that i was working on this and renamed it “Another Name for a River” and I take my dreams very seriously, so I changed it irl too. Not quite sure what the title has to do with anything yet, but if anyone has any ideas, i would LOVE to hear them!! 
> 
> Also I’m kinda strayed from my original plot line now lol so the story might be a little weird from here. Or not! Idk!!

Noam and Dara got along well after that. Noam was drawn to Dara’s intelligence and pretty face. Sure, Dara was still part of the upper class, still a bitch, still entitled and often unaware of his own privilege, but Noam spent so much time leaning into each word he said and trying to learn everything he could about Dara. And Dara was just the same. Noam was a representation of everything good in the world, and Dara wanted to protect him. While no one would ever describe Dara as shy, he seemed hesitant to allow himself to be around Noam. He was afraid that he would infect Noam with that ever it was that made him the way he is, and then it would ruin Noam too. All that he wanted was to spend his days with Noam. They would spend hours each night after everyone else had gone to bed talking about anything and everything they could think of, it wasn’t on purpose but it was just so easy to lose track of time with him. When they were around other people, Dara tried to stay more quiet, afraid that anything he said would give away how he felt, but would stare at Noam almost the whole time. Every once in a while, Dara would catch Noam rubbing his thumb over his bruised knuckles. He was angry about what happened that Friday, and eventually approached Dara to talk more about it. 

“You should tell someone about what happened.” They were outside and it was late. Noam met him in front of the dorms when Dara came back tonight, glitter on his face.

Dara sighed. He was tired. “Just drop it, Noam. I’m serious.”

The streetlight above them made Noam look older, more mature, intimidating. “How can you not say anything? Brett almost-he tried to-“ 

“Don’t.” Dara didn’t have the energy to deal with this today. “Don’t say it. Please.” He rubbed his eyes. Noam didn’t know what he was talking about. If he thought what Brett did was bad…. 

“Dara, please.” He took a step closer, grabbed his wrist. Dara jumped, and pulled his hand away. That shocked Noam for sure. He immediately took a step back and tried to apologize but the damage was done. 

“Listen to me, Álvaro,” Dara recovered and stepped towards Noam. He was mad. He didn’t want to be mad, but he was. “Mind your own goddamn business. Nothing happened that night and you need to leave it alone.” He shoved past Noam and headed back up to his room. He felt sick, needed a distraction so he opened a bottle of whiskey. He sat at the window sill, safe in his little dorm room and could still make out Noam’s figure sitting on a bench far below.

He went to bed that night upset, and slept through most of his classes that day. He didn’t want to be mad at Noam. He didn’t want to fight. Maybe he could just pretend nothing happened, let things go back to the way they were. That was unlikely, Noam is stubborn and there’s no way he’s gonna let this go. It been like two weeks? Hasn’t it? Maybe not quite. What day was it? How long until homecoming? Was that this week? Was it still even September? His head hurt. 

Turns out, it was homecoming week. When Dara made it to his last few classes of the day, all the girls were in colorful tights and face paint, the guys all in their sports jerseys. Dara thought it was stupid. Sometimes he would participate in the dress up days, when he was feeling good, but he was not feeling good this week, and all the color just make him nauseous. He texted Ames and they spent the last period under the bleachers, drinking vodka and whiskey and smoking. 

“So you and Noam are fighting now, huh?” She passed Dara the whiskey bottle. 

“Did he tell you that?”

“He didn’t have to. For the past, like, week you two have been making lovely eyes at each other and this morning it suddenly stopped.” Ames leaned back on her hand. “What did you do?”

“Why does everyone always assume I did something?” 

She laughed, “Oh, come on, Dara, do you really expect me to believe that Noam did something here? He’s like a puppy-“

“He’s been to jail.”

“-Juvie. And it was for something fucking noble or some shit. Anyway, he’s like a puppy, you’ve seen how he looks at you. If he did something the guilt would show on his face.”

Dara sighed and took another drink of whiskey. “He may have confronted me about that party at Monica’s with Brett. I told him to leave it alone and now he’s upset that I didn’t want to share that with everyone.”

Ames looked at him for a long time. Finally, she took back the whiskey bottle, “Sure, okay. So what are you gonna do?”

“I’m not gonna do anything. If he wants to apologize, he can, but I’m going to ignore it until he forgets about it.”

“Good luck with that,” She rolled her eyes at him. “So homecoming is on Friday. Are you still good with going in a group?” 

“Yeah. It’s fine.” 

“You wouldn’t rather just go with me? Or Noam?” She wiggled her eyebrows at him. “If you apologize about that little fight, he’ll probably go with you if you ask.”

“I’m not asking Noam to go to homecoming with me, that’s stupid-and I have no reason to apologize. “ 

“Right.” 

The bell rang and they could see doors opening, people coming out, leaving class, heading to the parking lot. 

“I should go and get ready for practice.” Ames stood up and brushed off her pants.

“I cant believe you’re still doing that. I thought the tattoos alone would get you kicked off.” She offered him and hand and he took it, letting her pull him up.

“It looks good on college applications. B likes it, and besides cheerleaders are fucking cruel. There’s no way I’d let her face that alone.”

“You’re probably the reason they have that reputation.” He helped kick the empty bottles far under the bleachers. “And you told me that you joined the cheer team to check out the girls.” 

“I never said that,” Ames punched his arm, “But if I did, I would beat you up for repeating it.”

They walked back towards the gym so Ames could go get ready for practice. They talked along the way about who’s party they’d go to after the homecoming dance and whether or not they should invite Bethany to go with them. Ames hated the idea, but Dara tried to tell Ames that they would be safe and that Bethany’s way older than they were when they started drinking. Ames didn’t think that was funny.

The gym hallway was as crowded as it was loud. It was filled with athletes running up and down the halls and people shoving each other to avoid being late for practice, but the sea of people easily parted for Dara and Ames. They knew that bumping into either of those two would have lasting psychological effects. Rumor has it a freshman boy bumped into Ames on her way to the principals office one time and she scared him so badly, he didn’t come to class for weeks-and half the senior class was there to witness the time a substitute teacher tried to berate Dara for coming into class late and Dara methodically tore apart the poor woman’s whole life. He brought up her falling marriage, money trouble, drinking problem, and disappointing fashion sense in five very cruel sentences. Some of the other teachers found her crying in the teachers lounge. It was enough to prevent her from returning to the school again. 

Dara walked Ames all the way to the girls locker room and she kissed his face before going to change. He started to make his way back out to the field, to find his spot on the bleachers when he ran right into Noam, or maybe Noam ran right into him. Either way, they bumped into each other and the hallway went silent. Sure, people were generally aware that Noam and Dara were friendly, but Dara didn’t seem to be in a great mood today, and anyone was at risk of needing therapy if they so much as looked at Dara the wrong way.

“Could you at least try to watch where you’re going?” 

“Maybe I’d have an easier time seeing you if you weren’t so short.” Yeah, ok. Chatter slowly picked back up again and Dara stepped out of the middle of the walkway. 

“Did you want something or do you just derive joy from interrupting my day?” Dara leaned against the wall and Noam took a step closer to him. He was really close. Dara forced himself to hold the eye contact with Noam. He ways afraid he’d accidentally look somewhere else and give himself away.

“That’s not-ugh. Okay, I wanted to apologize to you.” He did look apologetic. 

“Really?” 

“Yes, really. I shouldn’t have confronted you like that and I’m sorry I did.” 

“No apology for what you said though?”

“No. I stand by what I said, you should tell someone.” When Dara refused to say anything, he continued. “But, if you’re not ready to do that, then I’ll be here until you are. I guess a broken nose is better than nothing, and I doubt he’ll try something again.” Noam looked pretty sure about that.

“Okay.” Dara sighed. “I accept your apology. Anything else?” 

“Uh, no. That’s all.” Noam’s eyes flickered down to Dara’s lips for a second and then quickly back up. Dara turned his head to hide his blush.

“Better get to practice, Álvaro. I hear a big games coming up.” 

Noam had a little blush on his cheeks when he said goodbye. Dara waited for Ames before they once again returned to the football field. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thanks for reading! I really love getting all kinds of comments so if you have any mean criticisms you are scared to share, i would love to hear it!! Seriously, everyone has been so nice and helpful, i do not trust it. SO! My little challenge for u toady would be to write the meanest thing you can about my first little fan fiction that I’m so proud of! There’s no “or else” be I’m a pussy, but i would really appreciate some mean and brutally honest along with all the lovely things everyone says.


	9. A Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Homecoming!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love u

The homecoming game was packed and everyone was dressed up in semi formal attire. The girls all in summer dresses and the guys all in button ups. Dara hated football games. Sure, when you’re there with your friends, they can be fine, but Noam, Taye, Bethany, and Ames were all athletes and expected to be on the field most of the time. Dara had to find a new group of people to sit with tonight, which wasn’t hard. People like Dara, even if he can be a bully at times. Although, it was homecoming, and people were running around all over the place, trying to get the floats together and hoping they remember were to stand, and Dara could slip out to where the cheerleaders were and sit with Ames and Bethany. 

He made his way down to the dirt, and the cheer coach yelled at him when he reached Bethany. 

“You better not bother my girls, Shirazi!”

“I’m gay, Elizebeth.” He glanced back at the woman.

“That doesn’t mean you won’t bother them! Debby and Allison are still upset about catching you in the janitors closet with their brother.” 

“That was last year! They’re fine now!” Bethany yelled back. 

“Come on, Lizzie!” Ames jumped out off of her cheer box to meet up with them. “How could you possibly say no to a face like this?” She grabbed Dara’s face as she said that. 

The cheer coach waved them off and went back to watching the game. 

“I didn’t think you were coming tonight.” Ames pulled him out to a bench and Bethany got up on her own cheer box.

“I said I would, didn’t I?” 

“Yeah, but your word can often mean nothing.”

“Are you calling me unreliable?”

“Yes.” She handle him a water bottle and he took a drink.

It was filled with vodka. Really, he should’ve expected that, but it still caught him off guard. “Wow, Ames. A little warning would be nice next time.” 

She rolled her eyes and took back the bottle. “You should know by now that anything I offer you is going to be alcoholic. It’s just common sense. Don’t take candy from strangers, brush your teeth before bed, and only accept drinks from Ames when you’re looking to get trashed.” 

“Yeah, I got that. I just didn’t realize you would be carrying vodka in your water bottle at a football game, especially when all the cheerleaders have identical water bottles and they’re all kept in a pile together.” 

“That’s totally not true. They’re not identical. Mine has an ‘A’.” She turned the bottle around to show Dara the big ‘A’ drawn on the side in sharpie. 

He took the bottle back. “So who’s winning.”

“We are,” Ames pointed to the giant scoreboard at the edge of the field. “And it’s almost half time. Are you on the senior float this year?” 

“No. God, no. You really think I would willingly do something like that?”

Ames shrugged. “Yeah, when you’re in a better mood. Maybe you’d even throw candy or something at the crowd or whatever they do.”

“You’re a cheerleader, aren’t you supposed to be on the floats too?”

Ames snatched the bottle again, back from Dara. “Oh, sure. Most of the cheerleaders are party of the homecoming committee in one way or another, don’t you remember I got banned from that, like, freshman year?” 

“Oh yeah, you were supposed to be painting spots on a giraffe or something? Instead, you tried to hide curse words in the pattern.” 

“I almost got away with it too,” she looked proud of that. “They only caught me the day of and had to rush to cover the whole thing up. Matt Morgan didn’t know the paint was wet when he got up there, and leaned on the wall. The paint completely ruined his clothes. It was a good day.”

They laughed about things for a while, watched the football players play their silly game, Ames had to cheer every once in a while, so she did that. They were having fun. Dara didn’t care about football but it was easy to tell that Noam had an important role-and he was good at it. Strong, aggressive, able to make decisions under pressure. No wonder he’s the fucking quarterback. When halftime came, they were crushing the other team. Taye and Noam both got water. Ames yelled for their attention, telling them that they’re doing great or something. Noam looked at Dara. Dara waved. Noam waved back. Dara’s heart fluttered.

Bethany did a little jump off of her box and came over to sit by them, reaching for Ames water bottle, Ames pulled it away before B got to it. “Are you guys excited for tonight?” 

Ames put her arm around Bethany, “I am so excited. I hear they got a real DJ and everything.” 

The three of them talked more, Taye and Noam eventually joined them on their little bench, and Noam even sat right next to Dara. The floats started going around, and they made fun of each one. It was impossible to guess the theme this year, each float was filled with color, glitter, and loud, terrible music. Ames mentioned that she was surprised Dara didn’t like the floats this time, with all the glitter. Dara shoved her for that. Kids were throwing candy at the bleachers, none of it make it passed the front row, and most of it landed in the dirt. Taye seemed pretty upset at the whole affair, it was a waste of candy, bad candy, but still candy. Noam didn’t seem to mind, he reached down to the ground, picked up a piece of candy, unwrapped it, and put it in his mouth. Disgusting. 

Noam and Dara talked about the football game until halftime ended. Noam seemed happy that Dara showed up, Ames apparently told him that he wouldn’t. Noam smiled at Dara before he went back to play. 

It felt like forever, but the game finally ended and everyone rushed to get ready for the dance. Dara didn’t have much to do, it was pretty casual anyway, so he hung back and waited for Noam and Taye to get done celebrating with their teammates. The girls disappeared to go get ready, and, not wanting to walk all the way back to the dorms, any football players going to the dance had their things in the locker rooms. Dara congratulated them on winning the game and listened to the two of them talk about it all in detail until they left him to go get ready. 

While everyone was getting ready, Dara took the time to smoke a cigarette behind the building. He really wished he had another drink.

Eventually, Ames texted him and they all met up in front of the gym, Dara smelled like smoke and Ames asked if he had anything stronger than alcohol. He did not. But he knew someone who did. Noam looked good. He always looks good, but wearing real clothes, admittedly a bit worn, was so good to see. The five of them went inside the gym and took pictures at the picture booth until they got bored, passing around Dara’s flask when they realized Ames left her water bottle on the field. Dara even managed to sneak B the flask when Ames wasn’t looking.

They danced for a while. Noam found a girl, so Dara found a boy in retaliation. Ames asked again if he had drugs, so Dara asked around until they met someone with real drugs and he and Ames disappeared into the bathrooms to get high. 

When they came out, things were mostly the same, but Dara couldn’t see Noam anymore. He looked around as well as he could, without being too obvious about what it was he was doing. Yes, Dara will do hard drugs in the school bathroom, but he gets nervous about someone noticing that he’s simping for fucking Noam Álvaro.

“Have you seen Noam?” He had to yell to Ames. 

“Yeah, he went off with that Jessica girl earlier.” She pointed to the corner of the room where a small group of people gathered. Dara said thanks and headed over there to see what all the fuss was about. 

When he got closer, he could see Noam arguing with another guy about… something? It was hard to make out. The other guy’s back was to Dara and he couldn’t figure out who he was either, although that might have just been the drugs messing with his head. Dara pushed his way towards Noam, bumping into some girl, spilling her drink. When he was noticed, the guy Noam was arguing with asked him for his opinion on the topic. Who was he? Oh-another politician’s kid, and a senior. Dara should know his name, but he really didn’t care enough to try to remember it. 

Instead, without even thinking much at all, Dara made a comment about how pathetic the guy’s argument was. “You sound just like your dad. It might be a little radical, but at least Noam’s done his research on the topic. I doubt you’ve ever even had an original thought.” 

The guy looked angry. He replied with something about Dara being, well, a whore. Not used to being wrong, Dara guessed, and he laughed at the guy. That caught both Noam and the other guy off guard for a second but then Noam and they guy were back at each other’s throats. Literally, this time. Pretty sure the one that was not-Noam threw the first punch, but it was hard to tell. Dara was starting to feel nauseous and turned around to throw up right on someone’s shoes. Looking up, it was a teacher. Great. Dara and Noam, along with the other guy, were dragged off, out of the dance to sit in a little room. 

Noam had a bloody nose and the other looked about the same. The other guy’s mom was apparently chaperoning the dance and dragged her son off quickly. 

Noam and Dara were left sitting in the room, staring at the security. Dara tried his best to ignore the man. “Nice going, Álvaro. It’s not even been two months at this school and you’ve started two fights.” 

“Not true, I never started any fight. Anyone there will support my claim that he threw the first punch.” 

Dara laughed quietly and Noam smiled at him. Blood on his face, he still looked cute. Stupid, but cute. They giggled about it for a few minutes until another teacher walked into the room. 

“I’ve contacted your father-“

“Oh, that’s not necessary, he’s a very busy man and all.”

The teacher smiled at Dara. “I’ve contacted your father and he is already on his way.” Dara felt his stomach drop. Oh. That’s not how he imagined this night would go. He didn’t even know Calix was in the state right now. “And, Noam, considering all that Lehrer has done for you, I’ve also informed him of your actions tonight. I can only imagine his disappointment in the two of you. Drinking at a school event, Dara, I thought you would’ve been done with that sort of thing by now.”

As much as Dara wished it didn’t, her words hurt. Calix was coming to the school. He couldn’t remember the last time Calix was at the school. It felt bad. She went on to tell Noam about how sad it was that he would be throwing away a chance like this, and Noam looked like he wasn’t listening, more nervous about seeing Lehrer again, no doubt. 

The room felt like it was growing smaller and smaller each minute, and he started to feel like he couldn’t breathe. Was this a panic attack? Or maybe just the side effects of whatever he took in the bathroom earlier. 

The door opened. Calix walked in, thanking the teacher for her help, and telling her that he had it handled from there. The room was silent. It didn’t seem like that big of a deal, Dara has done far worse in the past to far more important people. Calix looked calm. He folded his arms across his chest and looked at them. He could see everything that they had done and he was judging them. It was so uncomfortable, Dara felt like he wanted to die. Eventually he told Dara to wait in the car, and Dara got up without hesitation, only stopping to say goodbye to Noam on the way out. 

The night was warm. He could try and make a run for it, back to the dorms. He could lock himself in his room and pretend like this never happened, but Calix would make him regret it in one way or another. So Dara walked slowly to the car and got in the back seat. And he waited. 

Calix came back to the car eventually. He didn’t even look mad. He started the car and they drove back to Calix’s apartment in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didnt proof read. Lmk if i need to edit.


	10. A Bad Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for r*pe and underage stuff and drinking, also thoughts of suicide 
> 
> Dara goes out and meets up with Ames dad, nothing explicit

Dara didn’t return to school until Thursday. He spent nearly a whole week with Lehrer and it was awful, but he didn’t want to think about that. The rest of the school was in class when he got back to campus, so it was easy to make it up to his room without running into anyone. 

He was back at school, a little beaten up, but still alive. Maybe he could avoid seeing Calix again until Thanksgiving break. Or Christmas, if he was lucky. 

Dara texted Ames to ask her if she wanted to go out this weekend, and if not, he would text her dad. Actually, he might just text him anyway. Dara could shower, get changed, and leave before anyone saw him. Although, it was only two. A bit early to start anything, but that’s never stopped him before. No matter what he’s doing tonight, Dara wanted to shower as soon as possible. He felt dirty and sick. Needed a distraction. 

A bottle of whiskey was shoved deep into a drawer, but Dara couldn’t remember which one, so he started pulling his clothes out, making a mess. Finally, he found the bottle, opened it, and drank too much. Dara took a shower. He felt numb. He kept turning the heat hotter and hotter until it was burning his skin. Dark bruises littered his skin, worse than they had been in a long time. He stayed in the shower until it turned cold, and then stayed there for a while longer. What was the point of anything if it always came back to this? Lehrer was there. He would always be there. Why even try anymore? He couldn’t help but think that maybe this is all he would ever be. It felt like it was impossible to escape. Quickly, and quietly, a little voice told him that this would all just be easier if he was dead. Maybe then, he could escape Lehrer. Maybe then, things would be better. He sure wouldn’t be so terrified all the time. Unless of course he goes to hell. That would suck.

Dar got out of the shower. He slowly got dressed, taking his time to do his hair and pick out his clothes. He lay in his bed for a while, drinking, thinking. He felt bad. So bad. It was seven when Dara got up smoothed out his clothes, and called a car. 

The dorm lobby was packed when Dara reached the ground floor. For a moment he felt self conscious, he was showing a bit too much skin compared to the rest of the crowd, but the alcohol helped him forget that pretty quickly. He thought if he could make it right to the door, he would be out and free from everyone, without having to explain anything. Not that he would, even if someone asked. 

Two steps out of the elevator, and Ames spotted him. Ames, Noam, Taye, and Bethany all sat around the tv, hogging the room. Noam looked up, then down to his neck, and looked confused. Right. No turtle neck tonight, Dara’s bruises were on display now. Especially the ugly handprint around his neck. Maybe he should feel self conscious. If anyone was going to say anything, now would be the time. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” She didn’t look happy, if anything she looked concerned. She looked like she was thinking about pulling him back up to his room, and spending the night there, drinking with him. That would be the only way to keep him out of trouble tonight. 

“I’ve got plans,” Was all he could said. Noam, sweet Noam, was watching him like he could almost-almost-figure out where Dara got those marks, but his trust in Lehrer was just a bit too strong. 

“With who?”

“Does it matter?” He crossed his arms, leaning up against the wall. He checked his phone. The car was here. 

Ames looked unimpressed and disappointed. “Have fun, I guess. And be safe, or whatever.”

Dara headed to the door. He caught more than a few people staring at him on his way out, and he heard Noam ask Ames if he was okay while the door was closing.

Yeah, he was feeling bad. He felt sick and dirty. He opened the car door, and got inside. The driver took off and they headed to a hotel in the city to go meet Gordon Ames. It was wrong. He knew it was wrong, but he was feeling bad, and Ames Sr. Managed to text him when Dara was more than eager for company. 

It was an expensive hotel, but he expected nothing less. It was a quiet elevator ride up to the room, and, when the doors opened, he hesitated. He could turn around. Go back to the school. Spend his night watching whatever it was that was paying in the dorms when he left. He could sit by Noam and throw popcorn at him when he said something stupid. Ames and Bethany could sit together on the too-small chair in the corner and Taye would criticism the movie until it ended. Things could be good. 

Except, Dara felt bad. He was already completely ruined and afraid that going back there and spending time with them, with Noam, would cause this disease to spread. That he would contaminate them. That Noam, who was so good, would see how disgusting Dara really was, and would leave him. 

Dara got out of the elevator. He walked down the hallway and knocked on the door to the room where he knew Gordon Ames was waiting. 

He was glad to see Dara again. It had been a long time, months, maybe, since they were last together, and he was kind. At least, he was as kind as someone in this situation would be. 

His hands, at least, felt much different than Calix’s. It could be worse. This was so much better than those dirty men in those dirty clubs. Wasn’t it? 

Dara stayed there for the night, Gordon ordered room service for them and brought a nice bottle of wine. Dara didn’t eat much, and the food was mostly forgotten, but the alcohol was appreciated. He liked to talk, and Dara was willing to listen when they weren’t busy with other things. In the morning, they spent more time together. He knew Dara had school that day, but neither of them were in a hurry. 

Dara left first. Making sure to collect all his things, he promised to come back soon. He dropped his smile when the door closed, and he was out of sight. The front desk refused to acknowledge him on his way out, which was fine. They could probably guess what he was doing there. He did, however, make eye contact with another member of the staff, who shamelessly dragged his eyes over Dara’s body. Gross. 

By the time he got back to school and dressed for class, it was lunch, and he did not feel like going to that, so he waited until the next class period to make an appearance. Dara had a test that day, and felt bad about forgetting about it. He felt stupid. Even if he got one of the top scores on the test, he wanted to have done better. Calix would’ve expected Dara to do better. 

There was another football game that night, not a home game, so he drove with Ames to the other school and he let her talk all the way there. Dara leaned his head against the window and answered when he was expected. Ames mentioned his birthday coming up. He was going to be eighteen. She said that they should do something, go somewhere. Maybe take a trip out of state. Dara thought that sounded pleasant. Maybe they could get out of the city and go somewhere to see the stars.


	11. A Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dara’s birthday! They party, mostly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did say this was 2020 but I  
> 1\. Do not know when dara’s Bday actually is. Although I’m pretty sure its late October  
> And  
> 2\. Do not care if dates are wrong. In this story, there have been enough leap years that Dara’s birthday is on a Saturday 
> 
> I did take a break from this at one point to write a southwest gothic story about checking the mail so i apologize if the vibes get weird somewhere? Just lmk if i need to change something 
> 
> I am trying my best to finish this story coherently, but if you feel like the characters are no longer acting like themselves, feel free to correct me. Inconsistent characters is like my least favorite thing in fanfics ugh so seriously tell me?
> 
> I have completely given up on any proofreading rn. When the story is completed, i will edit, but until then, lmk if any mistakes are too bad!
> 
> Thank u and i love u

They decided against leaving the state for Dara’s birthday. Ames suggested they go to Europe for the week and stay through Halloween, but Bethany reminded them that Noam doesn’t have a passport, and Taye mentioned his parents wouldn’t let him go anywhere this year. So, they decided just to go clubbing instead, maybe spend the night at Ames’ house after. 

It definitely could have been worse. Calix was back in DC working, so Dara got to spend his eighteenth birthday far from him. The bruises were faded now, almost gone. Dara wasn’t planning on hiding them tonight even if they were still visible. It was too much work anyway.

Dara spent his birthday alone at the Griffith Observatory. He didn’t bother inviting Ames, she would hate the place-does hate the place. She told him, multiple times. It’s too touristy, too boring, and it smells weird. She’s not wrong, of course. It was almost always packed, no matter what, but Dara loved it. Calix brought him there one time when he was little, and he’s gone back almost every month since. He use to beg Calix to bring him there all the time, until he finally got Dara his own telescope. The memories were bittersweet in their own way. When he was maybe ten, his school took a trip out there, and Dara could repeat all the guides scripts, and he knew the whole place very well. 

Thankfully, it wasn’t too crowded. Most people probably had better things to do, and there were no extraordinary events planned for that day. Dara spent hours there. He was there at open, and if he didn’t have plans to go out that night, he would’ve been there until closing. Some boy, decently attractive, but annoying and full of himself, followed Dara around for a bit. Dara was feeling generous and indulged in conversation for a minute with the guy, before telling him to get lost. 

He got back to school around seven, and Ames encouraged him to eat before they went out. He wasn’t feeling bad then, and did actually eat more than he usually does. He got ready in his own room, and met up with Ames in hers. He helped her do her hair, and she helped him put glitter on his face, nothing too dramatic, but still fun. They met up with Taye and Noam in the lobby, Dara had a few people wish him a happy birthday and even more people ask where he was going tonight. The positive attention was nice, and he felt all his worries melt away. Tonight was just about having fun, celebrating turning eighteen, and not thinking about anything upsetting. 

He didn’t have to argue for the front seat in the car, Ames let him take it without any argument. Just one “it’s my birthday” and she let him have it. Noam looked good tonight. Ames must have helped him pick out something better to wear after the last time they went out and he was in a sweater. A fucking sweater. He was still not in the right attire for this, but he was getting closer. God, Dara liked Noam so much. 

They got to the club and walked right past the line to get inside. Ames dad got them in, and reserved a spot for them. Noam made a comment, Ames laughed at him. Dara opened the alcohol.

They danced for hours. He bought some pills and he took one, giving the bag to Ames. She offered one to Noam, and he declined. The two of them disappeared at one point, Dara just hoped they weren’t getting together somewhere. That would be uncomfortable to hear about, and Ames would tell him. 

The music was loud and it felt so good. He danced with some guy for a while, kissing him in the crowd, before disappearing with him into the bathroom. It was still loud, but the music was muffled now. This guy was attractive and had big hands, but that was all Dara cared to observe about the man. 

When he returned to Ames and Noam together on the couch in their reserved section, he mostly ignored it. Sure, they were not making out, but he could see they were close to it. He sat down on the other side of Noam, and let Ames tell them both about some girl in a leopard print dress. It wasn’t a long story and Ames left when it was finished. Dara was feeling great, and asked Noam if he was having fun. Noam said he was, but he looked overwhelmed. He should probably drink more, Dara thought and reached over to pour him another cup of whatever it was that was in the bottle. Tequila, maybe? 

Noam asked him where he went today and Dara told him all about the observatory. Noam smiled at him, just a small smile, and asked all the right questions to keep Dara talking about it. Dara had his feet pulled up on the couch, and they had to lean in real close to hear each other, but it was wonderful. Dara checked his phone, and realized how late it was. They should be getting going soon. 

Feeling brave, and knowing that they were running out of time that night, he decided to ask Noam to dance with him. Maybe it was the music, or the drugs, or something else, but Dara forgot why he was afraid to get close to him. Noam accepted Dara’s offer, and he looked excited. Dara let Noam finish his drink before they got up. He lead Noam out through the club and onto the floor. They danced together for a while-or at least they tried. Noam didn’t know how to dance, but that wasn’t that big of a problem. Dara guided his hands on his body, and pressed up against him, really close.

Noam looked at him like no one else existed, and it made Dara want to stay right here forever. They just danced. Noam didn’t try to move his hands too much, incase it made Dara uncomfortable, and Noam didn’t try to kiss him. It was a little disappointing, but Dara didn’t want their first kiss to be in some club surrounded by other people, like this-and maybe, Dara thought, Noam felt the same way. 

When it was time to go, Dara stayed close to Noam, even sitting in the backseat on the drive back to the school. He could feel Noam’s eyes watching him for the rest of the night, and he was blushing when Dara said goodnight. Ames took Dara back to his room and slept there that night. In the morning, he remembered that night and wasn’t as upset with himself for dancing with Noam as he thought he would be. Noam was the best person Dara had ever known, and he deserved to be with someone great, and Dara knew he was not that person. Even so, if nothing was ever going to happen between them, these memories would be something he cherished.


	12. Fall Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two things happen that make Dara feel bad. Neither are his fault, but he definitely thinks they are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m thinking there probably won’t b more than like?? Four? Five? Chapters after this? Idk its approaching a stopping point and I’m getting a little bored. I promise it’ll have a happy ending tho!

Four weeks later, and it was fall break. Dara stayed at the school with Bethany, Ames, and Noam. Taye and his parents went to Switzerland or something, but everyone else was stuck at school. Lehrer was planning on taking Dara to France for the week. He spent the night packing and telling them about where they would go, what sights he and Calix could see. Dara went to France once before, when he was young, and those memories were bad, but maybe this time would be better. He was excited. Calix wanted to spend time with him, and he would get to spend fall break in Europe. Then, the morning he was meant to be leaving, he got text telling him something came up. Dara wasn’t going to France anymore. Ames was happy about that. She didn’t want to be stuck alone with Bethany, who cant drink, and Noam who was too busy studying to have any fun, she said that anyway. Dara knew she was glad he wouldn’t be isolated with Lehrer in a country far away for over a whole week.

Dara could pretend it was a relief. At least he wouldn’t have to worry about Calix’s mood changing and him breaking anymore of Dara’s bones. And he was glad to spend more time with Noam. Stupid, pretty eyes and messy hair. Did the boy even own a hairbrush? Dara spent so long just thinking about Noam’s hair, and how it would feel to run his fingers through it. Thinking about Noam was a good distraction from his disappointment in the canceled trip. 

Bethany and Ames mostly played video games and watched movies, but Dara took it upon himself to help Noam with his homework some nights. It was terrible. Noam had to learn the basics of everything, and Dara mostly made fun of him. They would get frustrated with each other and forget about homework, instead spending hours arguing with each other until Dara gave up and went to bed. Then the next day, Noam would sit out in the dorm lobby with his books spread out over the whole room, and ask Dara for more help. 

They were all getting ready to take the SAT next month, except Bethany because she was a sophomore. Ames didn’t care much, and Taye felt confident in his ability to do well, so it was mostly Noam and Dara studying together during the day, mostly, but often their little sessions would go late into the night. 

“I don’t even know why he bothers with all this.” Ames said one night. “I mean, Dara got, like, fifteen hundred last time he took it.” 

Noam nearly dropped his book. “You got fifteen hundred and you’re going to take it again?” 

Dara set his pencil down and leaned back on the couch. “It was a fifteen fifty.” 

“Yeah, the whole school gave an announcement and everything. Highest score anyone here has ever gotten.” Ames paused her video game after she died. “But, of course, its not good enough for Dara. He’s not gonna stop taking it until he gets a perfect score.” 

Dara had nothing to say to that because she was kinda right. He wasn’t going to feel good about it until he gets a 1600 or Calix expresses his approval, which was never going to happen. Dara could get a prefect score and Calix would find some way to make him feel bad about it.

Noam was still expressing his thoughts on that. He was so impressed, and basically told Dara how incredible that was, also seeming a bit jealous, but mostly he was in awe of Dara once more. It was making him blush, so Dara got up from the couch to take a break. 

Ames ordered dinner for them all and had it delivered. They talked current events, and Dara was vaguely aware of them mentioning some very sketchy leaked files about some important government officials. They had fun together that night, and even called Taye to ask him about Switzerland. Dara was more than a little jealous about it, but he hid it well. 

Things were fine. Ames Dad had a party that weekend, and Dara, Ames, and Noam all went. Noam was hesitant to go, after having repeatedly expressed his disapproval towards Ames dads policies and stance on all the important political stuff. Dara hated hearing about it, but encouraged Noam to come anyway. At the very least, things would be entertaining. Noam liked to fight, and he would totally get the chance to argue with some pretty powerful people that night-and, Dara liked to see Noam dressed up. Yes, he was pretty anyway, but he looked so fucking good when he put effort into his appearance. 

The party was awful. Dara didn’t expect it to be good-but Gordon Ames had plenty of really good alcohol and was happy to share it with them. It was hard to care enough about the rest of the guests to remember who they were, but it wasn’t crowded. There were a few A-list celebrities, big movie stars, people Dara had grown up with. It was Los Angeles, after all. 

Dara managed to avoid acting like a complete mess for the whole party, and he didn’t even throw up once. Gordon invited them to stay the night afterwords, and Dara accepted. Guest rooms were made up, but Dara wasn’t in his for long before he went to meet up with Gordon. It did feel wrong. Knowing that Ames and Noam were down the hall made Dara feel really sick, but he was invited to stay the night, and this is exactly what that meant. They were quiet, and the house was built well. Sound didn’t travel far. Dara was quiet when he went back to his room. 

Ames sr. Left early that morning. Golfing plans or maybe it was something to do with his fucking job. Either way, Dara woke up with a hangover and feeling very, very bad about what he did that night. Ames knocked on his door at ten thirty but he was planning on avoiding her for as long as possible. He got up around eleven and went to meet her in the kitchen. Ames didn’t seem to know, thankfully, and it didn’t look like Noam figured it out either. Still, they were in the house when he was getting fucked by his best friends dad. That alone would probably send him to hell. Calix would know. He was going to make Dara feel so much worse for it too. Dara made a big mistake and now he was going to regret it. 

Noam and Ames were talking about school, and any attempt to bring Dara into the conversation didn’t work. Dara really just wanted to get out of there. 

Back at the school, he started to spiral again. His drinking got bad, really bad, and he got a call from Lehrer that made him feel sick. It wasn’t anything important, but Dara knew that he knew. He would be back in town the next week, and Dara was expected to be there. 

He avoided everyone even after Taye returned from his trip. Ames was worried but he wouldn’t talk to her. He couldn’t. Even if he did, this was his own fault and it would just hurt her to hear it. Noam tried to confront Dara about what was going on when school started up again. Dara ran from him too. 

He tried to distract himself with alcohol, and when that didn’t work, he used stronger substances. Those failed him too. Dara went out and met up with strangers. Nothing helped like it use to, so he tried doing more and more. He was running out of distractions and it was starting to get painful to live like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thanks for reading! I love getting feedback so lmk if u have any thoughts!   
> I love u! <3


	13. A Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dara and Noam talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mentions of suicide 
> 
> These next few chapters are going to be severely depressing and i apologize in advance
> 
> Ah! Sorry for not updating yesterday! Or maybe today? Idk i got a day off schedule or something? I think I didnt update last night?  
> Anyway ill be updating daily until this is over, hopefully, but my job is starting again soon, so no promises. Comments would be appreciated! And help motivate me to continue

It was Friday again, but now Calix was in town and Dara was afraid. He was supposed to head over to the apartment after school. _Maybe this time would be different_ , he thought. 

It wasn’t. He wasn’t in a bad mood in the beginning. Things actually seemed fine for a change. Lehrer apologized for what happened last time, and Dara had to understand. It was his own fault. Calix didn’t want to hurt him. If only he was better, if only he behaved. They had dinner. Dara was forced to eat. He didn’t want to, but that’s not how things work with Calix. Calix asked about what he had been doing lately, Dara mentioned the party at the Ames house, and things changed after that.

“Are you really that fucking desperate?” He said, laughed, even. It made Dara feel sick, although, everything made him feel this way lately. Calix went on and called Dara all sorts of names. Dara couldn’t do anything except sit there and take it. He was shaking. He could no longer hear the words being said to him, instead he could only hear his heart beating loud, so loud, and feel the fear building up because he knew what was coming next. 

He couldn’t take it anymore. Five, maybe six days in that house with Calix, and he felt worse than he had in months. He wanted it to be over. Everything. If this was to be his existence, Dara didn’t want it. He lay awake that night and thought it over. Nothing was worth this. 

When he came back to school, he was different. He felt lighter somehow. His body physically ached, but he was more calm than he had felt in a while. Ames was suspicious. Dara usually returns from his time with Lehrer, angry, hurt, or needing a distraction. He wasn’t like that now. 

It was Wednesday and he sat in the dorm lobby with everyone. They were all stressed. The end of the semester was coming, they were taking the SAT on Saturday, and trying to figure out what to do for the holidays.

Ames was practicing her Spanish with Taye, who was not helping in anyway. She couldn’t figure out how pronounce something. 

“Ask Noam, he’s Mexican.” Taye suggested. 

Noam stirred from his spot near Dara on the couch. “I’m not, actually. I’m Colombian.”

“That’s, like, close enough, though.” Taye shrugged, putting a piece of candy in his mouth. 

Noam didn’t appreciate that at all, which was understandable. “Uh, not really.” 

And so a little argument ensued, but Ames ended it pretty quickly, asking Noam wether or not he spoke Spanish. He did. Noam also made a bad joke about how he wouldn’t feel comfortable calling himself bi if he wasn’t fluent in two languages. Ames punched him for that. 

Later that night, when everyone but the two of them had gone to bed, Dara stayed up to help Noam with his studying. They took a break when it was really late. Noam asked Dara about the book he was reading. It was Dara’s favorite, hardback too. Noam knew that, but he wanted to talk about it, to Dara, more likely. The book wasn’t in perfect condition anymore, from all the time it spent with Dara, but it was still holding together well. 

Dara held onto the book for a minute, before handing it to Noam. He looked confused. 

“I want you to have it.” This felt more intimate than anything they had done before, not that they’ve ever had the chance to be intimate. Except that night they danced together. That was nice. He still blushed when he thought of it. 

“I can’t take this.” 

“Think of it as a really early Christmas present.” 

“I’m Jewish.”

Dara rolled his eyes, “Just take the book, Álvaro.” 

He took the book. Their fingers brushed when he did. Noam stared at it for a while. “Thank you.”

Dara felt himself smile at him, just a little smile. Noam looked back up at him. He was struggling. Noam was here, sitting close, looking as good as he usually does. Stupid, grateful face, and very kissable looking lips. He was looking at Dara like he was the world. Maybe it would be okay. Just this once. Dara could let himself pretend tonight that he had everything he wanted. 

No. He decided against it. Noam was still looking at him like he wanted to say something. Dara wanted to kiss him, he’s wanted to kiss him for a while. No one has ever looked at Dara the way Noam was looking at him now. He wanted to lean in. He really did, but he was afraid. Noam was good, too good, and Dara just wasn’t.

They went to bed soon after that. 

Thursday and Friday were slow. Football had ended so there was no game on Friday. They all went out to dinner instead. It wasn’t the nicest restaurant in town, or anything, but it was still pretty nice judging by how uncomfortable Noam looked there. Dara liked the place a lot, actually. He hadn’t been there in a while, but he was thinking of this as his last meal. Dara paid for everything. He knew that would be the only way he could convince Noam to come. It truly wasn’t that nice of a restaurant, Ames even commented on how this did not seem like somewhere Dara would ever willingly eat. Taye and Bethany seemed to have a good time. 

Saturday they all went to take the SAT, except Bethany of course. Dara had almost forgotten about it completely. He did well. Maybe not a prefect score, but he let himself let go of that for the day. When they were all finished, they went to lunch at restaurant nearby and met up with Bethany who suggested they go somewhere to celebrate. This is where Dara decided to leave them. 

“Actually, I’m wanted to go to Griffith today.” 

“Ugh, really? You’re going to pick the observatory over going to an amusement park?” 

Dara shrugged. “I haven’t been in a while.” 

“The stars don’t change, Dara.” Ames said, trying her best to keep him there. 

He had made up his mind. He told them goodbye but before they could all go their separate ways, Noam came over to him. 

“Do you want company?” 

He could say no. Make Noam go with the rest of them. But Noam was looking at him with those pretty eyes and Dara couldn’t tell him to go. 

They spent hours at the observatory together. Laughing and playing among the stars. They talked a lot too. Dara enjoyed himself. It almost felt like a real date. 

They wandered around for a while after. Neither of them wanted to go back to the school yet, so they spent some time exploring. It had gotten dark when they left the observatory. The air was getting colder and neither of them brought a great jacket, they didn’t know they would be out this late, so they huddled together, pressed up as close as they could, without it being too obvious how they felt about each other. 

Noam made some stupid joke and Dara felt himself laugh. They were in a park not too far from the school. Dara had sat down on a bench and Noam sat down next to him. Dara was shivering and he had his hands clutched together. Noam noticed and reached out for him, hesitating, and looking at Dara for permission first. He nodded and Noam took Dara’s hands in his own. 

“You’re freezing.” Noam looked down at their hands. 

Dara was still staring at him. “Yeah.”

Noam scooted closer to him. “You should get gloves.”

“I can’t afford them.” 

Noam laughed. Dara felt his face turn red. He felt overwhelmed by how much he wanted to kiss Noam then.

“Do you know frustrating you are?” Dara felt the need to say something, anything to distract from this. 

Noam looked confused! He always looks confused. “Me? What did I do?”

“You had to come up here, catch me completely off guard, with your stupid pretty eyes, and all your selflessness, and your inability to act like a normal person.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means you’re frustrating!” Noam was still holding onto Dara’s hands. “You do all these stupid things that make me like you, and you act like you don’t even know you’re doing it.” 

Noam’s face was getting a little red. “What about you? You hated me for the first month, then we went to that party, and you suddenly started flirting with-“

“You think I was flirting with you?” 

“Wait, have you not been flirting with me?” His face got even more red, he started to pull his hands back from Dara’s, “I thought-“ 

Dara grabbed his hands to keep them where they were. “I’m kidding. I’ve definitely been flirting with you. I literally just said i liked you.”

Noam let out a little nervous laugh. “Oh, good. Things were about to get really uncomfortable.” 

Dara smiled and tilted his head to look at Noam. The streetlights cast shadows on his face, but he still looked pretty. His hair was messy from the wind.

Noam looked down at their hands. “So, you like me?” His tone was teasing but Dara didn’t want that right now.

“Yeah.” It came out quiet, honest. 

Noam looked back up at him. Pretty eyes, face flushed, and a little smile. “I like you too.” 

Maybe he could let this happen. Dara leaned in and kissed him. Noam didn’t hesitate to kiss him back. 

Dara had kissed a lot of boys in his life, but no one ever kissed him like this. Noam brought one hand up to Dara’s neck, more gentle than anyone had ever touched him. Noam kissed Dara like he cared about him. It was a new, strange feeling and it made him feel guilty. Noam kissed Dara like this was the beginning of something when Dara knew it the opposite. Even so, he didn’t want this to ever stop. 

Noam pulled away. Dara’s hands were shaking again, but it wasn’t from the cold. “What’s wrong?” Dara felt Noam bring a hand up to his face to wipe away tears. When did he start crying? “What did I do?” 

Dara reached up and held onto Noam’s wrists, keeping him there. He meant to push Noam away, it just wasn’t happening. 

“Dara, what’s wrong?” He sounded so fucking concerned. 

Dara felt bad. He couldn’t look at Noam. Dara shut his eyes. This was wrong. He should’ve left Noam alone. He should’ve kept his distance. Now here was Noam, acting like this to Dara, and Dara didn’t want it to stop but he knew it would. It needed to. This was probably the most selfish thing Dara had ever done. Noam was everything Dara wanted. He was the only good thing in the world to Dara and he was sitting here telling Dara he liked him, kissing him, asking him if he was okay. He wasn’t. Dara was planning on killing himself that night. 

The tears weren’t stopping. All he could say was that he was sorry. He never meant for this to happen. Noam didn’t deserve this. 

Strong, calloused hands held him there, and a few minutes later, Dara was able to get a hold of himself. He was still crying, but he wasn’t hysterical like he had been. 

“I’m sorry that I made you go to the observatory with me, instead of letting you go with Ames, and Taye, and Bethany.” 

“You didn’t make me go with you. I was never planning on going with them. You really think I can afford Disneyland?” 

Dara sighed. Good point. 

“How about we head back to school?” He was gentle when he took Dara’s hands again. “I can call Ames? Get you warmed up.” It _was_ cold. “And maybe we can talk? Or just watch a movie until everyone gets back?” 

Dara let Noam take him back to the school. They could’ve walked but Noam called them a car, Dara was thankful for that. Noam helped Dara up to his room, and asked again if he was okay. Dara said he was fine, but Noam didn’t believe that. He asked to stay and wait in the room while Dara took a shower. Dara couldn’t say no, but he knew they would talk about what happened, and he really didn’t want to. He took his time waiting for the water to get warm, and then stayed as long as he could until he thought Noam would have given up and left. Only, when Dara got out of the shower, Noam was still there, sitting on his bed, reading a book. 

Dara got dressed and Noam kept his eyes to himself. When he was wearing his pajamas, Dara sat down by Noam. Noam put the book down. 

“Can we talk about this tomorrow?” Dara asked before Noam could say anything. It hurt to look at him right now. It was selfish, but Dara didn’t want him to leave yet. 

Noam agreed and asked if he could stay there with him, at least until he fell asleep. Dara didn’t have the energy to argue, so he let him. Nothing physical happened, Noam just held him until he was asleep. Ames got back later that night and took over where Noam was. 

Dara’s plans for that night were postponed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry for getting depressing in here! If you like this so far, i would love it if you would comment or leave kudos, it motivates me greatly! Thanks for reading! I love u and I’m sorry


	14. A Drive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dara calls Ames

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for attempted suicide and mentions of r*pe and underage drinking, and Substance abuse
> 
> It’s bad but I promise things will get better soon. Dara does not die. None of them are going to die. That would make me sad.

Dara awoke the next morning with a headache caused by dehydration, not alcohol for once. Ames was asleep next to him in the little bed. He rolled over and got up to get water.

The sink was louder than he expected, and Ames stirred when he turned it on. After he drank some water, he looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes were still red from crying and he looked terrible. He didn’t look like himself. He was a mess. It would’ve been embarrassing if anyone else was around. He got more water and climbed back into bed with Ames, who had woken up at this point. 

“You look awful.” 

He didn’t answer. He pulled the covers up over his head instead, willing himself to become as small as possible. Maybe he could just shrink into nothingness. He felt her pull at the covers but he held them there as best he could.

“Dara, please.” She sounded exhausted. 

He let go of the covers and she pulled them away from his face. 

“What happened?” 

He just shrugged, not even looking at her. 

Dara felt a hand come up and brush his hair out of his face. The bed shifted and she got up. “I’m getting us breakfast. If you lock me out, I will break down the door.” He didn’t doubt that. 

She left, and a few minutes later she came back with a paper bag and pulled a bottle of vodka from somewhere in her clothes. “I figured you might be more willing to answer some questions with some incentive.” When he still didn’t move, she sat down next to him. “Come on, Dara. Are you really gonna make me drink alone?” 

Okay, fuck it. It had been too long since his last drink, and he had no reason to stay sober. Dara sat up and reached for the bottle. Ames let him have it. 

“So, yesterday at, like, midnight, or something, Noam called me. He said you had some sort of panic attack and asked me to come back to help.” 

That sounded about right. He probably called her while he was in the shower. 

“I thought maybe you could tell me what happened?” He didn’t want to do that at all. She looked at him, he could feel her eyes, but he kept staring at the bottle. “Look, if you don’t say something, I can’t help you.” 

“I don’t want you to help me. I’m fine. Everything is fine.” He took another drink from the bottle. “He just grabbed me and I freaked out a little bit. I’m fine now.” 

“Bullshit.” She took the bottle back. “You’re definitely a little jumpy, I’m not denying that, but you have never burst into tears because someone grabbed you.”

He laughed a little, “Well, that’s not completely true.” 

Ames was not happy with that answer, and Dara regretted saying it. She threw the paper bag at him, and started to leave the room. “I’m going to go downstairs and help Bethany with her homework. When you’re feeling better, you can join us, but until then, have fun being an asshole.” 

Yeah, that was not how he wanted that to go. He checked the bag to see what she brought him, and it was a plane bagel. Dara threw it on the dresser and tried to go back to sleep. 

  
At maybe one, there was a knock at the door. Dara didn’t answer. He didn’t want to deal with anyone right now. Whoever it was, most likely Ames, knocked again. Dara was annoyed and decided to get up and tell her to fuck off but then he opened that door and it was Noam. 

“Hi.” He had a box in his hands. “You hadn’t left your room all day, so I figured you hadn’t eaten and I brought you lunch.” 

It was too sweet. Noam should go. Dara leaned his head on the door. “What do you want?”

“I just came to check on you.” He tried to hand Dara the box of food. He looked at it for a long time before he took the box and let Noam in the room.

Dara set the food on the dresser by the bagel Ames brought and they sat down on the bed. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Noam asked. Dara was leaning against the headboard with his legs pulled up beneath him. Noam was trying to decide if he should reach out and try to comfort him.

Maybe he should talk about it-except that wasn’t part of his plan today. Dara should make him go. This was only going to make things harder later. 

“Look, Dara… I might not understand whatever it is that you’re going through, but I want to help you.” Noam just leaned towards him. “It can’t be healthy to bottle things up all the time. If you need to talk to someone, I’ll be here, you have Ames, and… I know your relationship with him isn’t great, but I’m sure that if you talked to him, your dad-“ 

Dara sat up. “Get out.” 

“Wait, I-“ He had he hands up in a defensive position.

“I said _get out!_ ”

Noam got up and just stood there in front of Dara. “Please, you can tell me what’s going on.” 

“I can’t.” Dara lifted a hand to rub his eyes. He felt like he was going to start crying again. “It’s not like you’d believe me.” 

Noam crouched in front of him, and reached out for his hand. “I’ll believe you.” 

Dara couldn’t trust that. Noam nearly worshiped Lehrer. There was no way he would be able to accept the truth. “You should go.” 

Noam tried again to get Dara to talk to him, to anyone, and Dara made him go. He reached for his whiskey. 

  
He got up three hours later, finally, and got ready slowly. He grabbed his jacket and a bottle of whiskey he had opened earlier, then he slowly headed down to the lobby. 

It was crowded. Sunday nights were often crowded here. People were always returning from their weekend trips and getting ready for the next school week, and it was almost finals so the school was stressing about that as well. 

Dara had been drinking, but he wasn’t that drunk. He could see Ames and Bethany sitting together on the couch, Noam and Taye were likely to be nearby. Dara took a step towards them. Ames looked up. 

“I’m going out.” Dara let himself speak but it was far away. “Don’t wait up for me.”

He waited a moment, looking at Ames. She deserved better. Dara took a few steps to meet her where she was. He just wanted to hug her one more time before he left. She sat up on her knees to see him. 

“You okay?” Ames reached out to touch his face. He must have looked upset. He leaned down and hugged her. She hugged him back. Dara held on for just a second too long. Bethany was looking at him with big eyes when he finally pulled away. “I’ll see you later, okay?” 

He nodded. There was no way he would be able to speak words and lie to her right now and he didn’t want to look at Noam, who was sitting in the chair just a few feet away, or at anyone else in case they could tell what he was planning. He left. 

  
Dara stopped by Lehrer’s apartment. There were guns in the house, and he thought that would be easiest. He knew Calix kept a loaded handgun in his study. That one would be fine. He got the it and sat in the living room. Slowly, he checked that it was loaded and that the safety was off. Dara put under his chin and took a deep breath. 

_Wait_. Like this, he could still survive, it wasn’t likely, but it was possible. The bullet would have to cross both hemispheres of the brain for this to work. He put the gun to his temple. Dara shut his eyes. His hands were shaking. He willed himself to just do it-to pull the trigger, and he couldn’t. 

No, not here. Not in this house. That was the problem. He didn’t want Calix to be the one to find his body. Calix would have a story. He would be able to hide what happened. It would be an accident. Or maybe Dara didn’t want to die here because he knew this is where Calix would kill him anyway. He needed to go. 

Dara rummaged through the bathroom and found sleeping pills that he never took. Those would work, just in case. A gun was starting to feel too violent right now. He took keys, too. There was a car in the parking garage. A few, actually, but Dara just grabbed keys at random. It’s not like it mattered. 

He drove around for a while, trying to decide where to go. Where to do it. It was already getting late. 

  
Ames was setting up another game of cards when she got a phone call. Dara’s name was flashing on the screen, and she thought about letting it go to voicemail. He would deserve it. He’s probably drunk in some club and wants her to come help him get home. She sighed and answered the phone. 

“If you’re calling because you need a ride, I’m not getting you.” She reached back to shuffle the cards. 

“Hey, Ames,” Dara’s voice was unsteady. “Uh, no, I don’t need a ride. I was just wondering if you had a second?” 

Something was wrong. “What happened?” 

“I-uh,” she heard him take a shaky breath. It sounded like he was crying. “Nothing happened. I just wanted to talk to you for a second.” 

“Where are you?” Her voice came out more forceful than she had meant it to, everyone looked at her.

Bethany asked if everything was okay but Ames ignored her. She set down the cards and held onto her phone with care. 

“I’m not gonna tell you that.” Dara sounded like he had been drinking, which would have been fine if he didn’t sound so upset. 

“Dara, where are you?” She was starting to get scared. Noam and Taye were looking at each other, and back at her, trying to figure out what was happening.

Dara ignored her question. “I love you, you know? You’re my best friend-and, you deserve better than how I’ve treated you.” 

“It’s okay, Dara. I know it’s hard sometimes, most of the time, and I know that you’re trying to do better. I still love you, even if you’re not a perfect friend.” 

Dara took another breath. “I need to tell you some thing before I go.”

“No, Dara, we can talk about it when you come back to school, just tell me where you are, and I’ll come get you.” She had started crying. 

“Ames, I,” he hesitated. “I can’t do that.”

“Call the police,” Ames had covered the phone’s mic and grabbed Bethany. “Dara’s gonna kill himself.” 

Bethany was quick, she got her phone and was on a call with the 911 operator. She answered questions as best as she could, but they still didn’t know where Dara was. Some other people had heard that. It was Sunday and finals started tomorrow. It was crowded, she didn’t want other people around.

“Ames, I need to tell you something. You’re, you’re not gonna like it-and, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

“Dara, please, just tell me where you are. We can fix this. You don’t have to do this.” 

Bethany was still trying to get Ames to find out where he was. It didn’t seem to be working. 

“Ames, give me the phone.” Noam was there, hand open, urgent . “Please, Ames, I can find him, just give me the phone.” 

She didn’t want to. She needed to keep talking to him. 

“Please, trust me, I can find him.” She had never seen Noam look like this. He was afraid too, wasn’t he? 

She gave him the phone. It was on speaker now and Noam had it plugged into his computer, he was running some program and doing all that he could. 

“Keep him talking.”

She would do her best. Taye took over the phone with the police and B sat by Ames and listened to the phone with her. 

“I can’t live like this anymore. It’s been so hard.” 

Ames was blinded by her tears. “Dara, I fucking swear, you need to tell me where you are.”

He wasn’t listening to her. He never listens to her. “I went by the apartment, I thought I would be able to shoot myself. That-that didn’t work. Too messy, or something.” 

“Please, Dara, it’ll be okay.” 

“And, I thought, why should he be the one to find me? This is all his fault, you know. I hate him. I hate him so much.” The last part was almost a whisper. “I didn’t want to do it there. Not with everything else he did to me in that place. I couldn’t do it.” 

“It’s okay you don’t have to do anything. I’ll come get you.” 

“No,” he sighed. “Ames, I… I need to tell you that I fucked your dad-or really, your dad fucked me.” 

It hurt. It really hurt. Of course, she hated him already, but she never thought that he could do something like that, not to Dara. She should’ve known. “I’m sorry, Dara. _Fuck_ , I am so sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” he was trying to comfort her now. “I’m sure you don’t want the details, but it wasn’t your fault, and he was always good to me. It wasn’t,” Dara sighed, he sounded tired, “It wasn’t like Calix-but I never should have done it. I’m sorry.” 

She could see Noam’s hands still on his keyboard. He was crying too. “Noam?”

He wiped his face with the back of his hand. “I found him. He’s at the observatory.” 

They all jumped up. Taye had a car they could use. Bethany told the police where to go, and they headed to the car.

“You’ll never make it.” Dara sounded so sure of himself. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I took, like, a fucking ton of pills, I don’t even know what half of them do, but I can feel them starting to work. I figured that would be easier than the mess of what a gun would leave. I thought about hanging myself, but I didn’t want to do that to Noam.” The drive would take twenty five minutes on a good day, but Noam was driving fast and running stoplights. 

Dara was still talking but it his words were getting messy. “I… I can’t go back to him. I won’t.” 

“You don’t have to, Dara, I promise things are going to be okay.” 

“You can’t promise that. You… you can’t. Things aren’t going to be okay. What else was I supposed to do? He was going to kill me after I graduated. You know he would.” 

Dara wasn’t wrong. That would be something Lehrer would do. “Dara, I’m on my way. Just hang on a bit for me, okay?”

He was quiet for a while. Ames thought that was it. “Dara?” 

A little laugh came from the other end of the phone. “I’m not dead yet.”

She wasn’t relieved. Not yet. Not until they got there. 

“I wanted to see the stars again tonight.” He sounded like he was walking around, slow, uneven steps. “I’m glad I came out here. Ugh, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you. Would it have been easier just to find out in the morning?” It sounded like he sat down. They were almost there. Just a few more minutes. They should be hearing sirens, why weren’t there sirens? 

“I don’t feel good.” Dara took another heavy breath. “I thought that with sleeping pills, you would just drift off. I wouldn’t feel anything.”

“God, Dara, I fucking swear, if you survive this-“

“What? You’ll kill me?” He laughed again. “Yeah, that’s kinda what I’m hoping. Anyway, its getting late. I should go. I don’t really want you to… have to listen to me die, or whatever. I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay, Dara, its okay. Please don’t go.” 

But he was gone. He had ended the call. 


	15. The Next Week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conversation about what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok i said i was gonna update daily but I totally fell asleep last night before i did this, so sorry again. Anyway lmk what y’all think and any suggestions u have i will totally take into consideration and thanks for reading and i love u

The police made them leave the scene. They couldn’t drive Taye’s car back, they were in shock. A car took them back to the school. 

They were bombarded with questions the moment the police got to Griffith, but no one could talk about it. They didn’t even want to think about it. Bethany wanted to ask how Dara was doing, but she was afraid of the answer.

Dara was unconscious when they got there. Noam didn’t even stop the car when they arrived. He just got out and started running. They found Dara on the ground behind the building with his phone in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. He had a pulse then. It was faint but it was there. Noam carried him to the front of the building. They found the gun in Dara’s waistband, Bethany kicked it far away from them. The ambulance arrived just a few minutes later and got to work. The cops arrived next, and they had to drag Noam away from Dara. Noam hit one of them. He was yelling, crying, asking them why they took so long to get there. Why they couldn’t help him. How they could have let this happen. They put Noam in cuffs and in the back of a car until he could calm down. 

Ames was shaking. Someone gave her a blanket and made her sit down. Bethany stayed with her. 

Taye was the most calm out of all of them. It wasn’t that he didn’t care, he did care, he cared so much. He was just shocked, hurt, and confused, but appeared calm enough. He had to explain what was going on. 

Now, they were back at school. It was late. Everyone else had gone to bed. It was just the four of them sitting in the dorm lobby, their cards were forgotten on the table. 

The officer that drove them back to campus told them all to get some sleep, and that Dara was going to be fine. It wasn’t convincing. 

Ames got up first, she said she was going to bed. Bethany went with her. Taye helped Noam back to his room an hour later. They didn’t say anything. No one knew what to say. 

  
Monday came. It was finals week. They were all excused from class that day. Noam checked on everyone later that day. Bethany hugged him. She was grateful to see him, she asked if he had heard anything. He hadn’t. She had been crying all day. Taye had gone home at some point. His parents came and got him, he looked like he hadn’t slept. When he got to Ames, she was drunk. There were empty bottles of alcohol in her room and she was throwing up in the trash can. Noam helped her back to bed and stayed there with her for a while. They drank more than they should’ve. 

The next day, they had to return to classes. They couldn’t miss too many finals. They were only allowed to retake a few, no matter the circumstances. It didn’t seem to matter. None of them were able to think too much about any subject for long. 

A few people tried to ask where Dara was but they couldn’t answer. They couldn’t tell anyone what happened. They didn’t even know what was happening. 

  
Wednesday, they all sat together in Ames’ room for a drink. Ames didn’t even stop Bethany from reaching for the bottle. 

“I can’t believe he didn’t say goodbye to me.” Taye was the first one to speak. “We’ve been friends since he was eight, how could he have just done that?”

“He’s sick, Taye. He’s depressed. Maybe he convinced himself you weren’t as close as you thought you were.” Bethany was laying on the bed with Ames. “Things aren’t always logical when you’re sick like that.”

“How didn’t anyone see it? There should be signs, right? Don’t they say that there are signs? Did he not show any signs?” 

“There aren’t always signs.” Noam had his head in his hands. “But he was acting different. He was moody, he kept apologizing for things. He was giving away personal items, he said goodbye to Ames that night.” 

“How did we not see it?” Bethany was crying again. “He tried to… he had a gun.”

“We didn’t know. None of us knew.” Ames spoke for the first time. 

“You knew about Lehrer.” It came out angry. Noam was upset. “Did you all know?”

Bethany and Ames were quiet. 

“I didn’t,” Taye said. “I should’ve, but I didn’t realize. I thought he just hated Lehrer for something stupid. I never thought that… I didn’t think it was like that.”

“He was always covered in bruises. He flinched when he was grabbed. He jumped if you set a book down too hard. I should have seen it.” Noam was blaming himself, for sure, but the others knew. They knew and they didn’t do anything. “How could you have just let it happen? How could you have not said anything?” 

“And what should we have done?” Ames was practically hugging her bottle of vodka. 

“You could have told someone! Get the police involved! You just left him there!” 

“We tried, Noam. He didn’t want people to know. He kept saying he could make it to the end of the year and then… things would be different. He told us not to tell anyone.” She didn’t look good. Noam should try to be kinder to her right now. This wasn’t easy for any of them. “It’s not like he didn’t try either. He did tell people. No one believed him.” 

Noam was shaking, angry. Scared, too, but he wasn’t going to admit that. “What about your dad? You didn’t know what your dad did?”

Ames felt the guilt for that. She should have known. Her dad did always like him too much. “I didn’t know. How should I have known? How could I have done anything?” It was more to herself than anyone else. 

Noam was pacing now. “They can’t get away with this.”

“What would you have us do? Lehrer is the most powerful man in the country, and Ames dad isn’t far behind.” Taye took a drink. “We don’t have any proof. No one is going to believe us. Even if they did, its not like they would sit through a trial. They’d keep it quiet. Keep the media from finding out. If they were to ever get close to getting in real trouble, they could pay off the right people and kill the rest. No matter what we do, nothing is going to happen.” 

Noam wasn’t happy with that. He needed to find a way to fix this. Dara deserved justice, but this room wasn’t helping him think. They were all in pain. 

“I’m going for a run.” Noam left. 

He needed to come up with a way to do this. A way to make them pay for everything they had done. There was no way he was going to let those men get away with this. 


	16. Winter Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mostly Noam and what he does during winter break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter of me mostly just vibing. Lmk what u think! Or dont idk 
> 
> Thanks for reading and i always love feedback!

The holiday break was long and slow. They still hasn’t heard anything about how Dara was doing, if he even made it. Noam and Ames stayed at the school together while most everyone else went home to spend time with their families. Neither of them had families to return to, and Ames was not spending Christmas with her dad. 

Noam practically moved into Dara’s room after finals. He missed him a lot and the radio silence was far from comforting, so he spent a lot of his time with Dara’s things. He held onto the book Dara gave him and read it completely many, many times. Noam tried to memorize each crease in the pages and markings in the book. He read through the most worn parts of the book over and over, trying to understand Dara a bit better. He did clean up Dara’s room a bit while he was there. He took out all the empty liquor bottles and threw away forgotten food on the dresser, and even picked up clothes off of the floor. It truly wasn’t that messy, Dara was rather neat, but that all was forgotten on the day that he…. Noam didn’t want to think about that. He cleaned Dara’s space. He thought that it would be nice to come back to something that wasn’t a messy when Dara finally returned to school. ‘If’ he returns to school. No. Dara was coming back. He had to. 

Noam blamed himself, he did, but Dara knew about his mother. Those memories still haunted Noam. How could they not? Dara understood that suicide was a rough topic for him. Maybe that’s why he was crying that night in the park. Noam thought that that kiss would be a beginning for them. That they could work towards more in the future. Sure, Dara liked to sleep around, but it felt like that time that they spent together could mean something. Noam wanted it to mean something. It did mean something. It was a goodbye.

A goodbye kiss? Was that really what it was? No. Noam didn’t want to think about this now. Dara probably didn’t make it, and they school is waiting until break is over to tell the student body. Dara was popular. Smart, pretty, popular. Troubled. That’s what they said. When Noam first got to the school the football team warned him about Dara. ‘Don’t get too attached’ they said, ‘he’s good for a hookup but nothing more. He will lead you on. Take you home. He will give you the best night of your life and then laugh at you in the morning’. More than one of them could confirm that. Maybe that’s what happened with Brett. They had one good night and Dara left him. Except, Brett didn’t leave him alone after that. Brett couldn’t take no for an answer. Brett took things too far and nearly hurt Dara in a familiar way. Did Dara even realize that’s what happened? The morning after that party he thanked Noam but he acted like it wasn’t anything later on. He was used to being treated that way. By Ames dad. By Lehrer. 

Dara didn’t think Ames dad was bad either. He truly thought he made an informed decision to sleep with an older, powerful man, without him being manipulated into it in any way. He needed help. Therapy. Noam only hopped that after his suicide attempt, Dara was in a hospital somewhere with doctors and therapist there that would be helping him in any way he needed. But he could only hope. They hadn’t heard anything from anyone. Dara’s state was a mystery to everyone. Noam thought about reaching out to Lehrer, but decided against it. There was no way he would be able to look at the man for long, or even heard his voice on the phone. The next time he saw Lehrer, it would hopefully be in handcuffs or dead. Dead would be nice. His own son. His own fucking kid. 

Noam decided to go for a run. He was doing that a lot lately. Football was over and they would be starting training again in February, but, until then, he thought it would be good to work out on his own.

  
Winter break was cold and harsh. It was still Southern California. The weather wasn’t ever too bad, but Dara’s condition stressed them all out too much. Bethany and Taye returned to school the day before classes picked back up. None of them had heard anything. Ames was a mess. She drank a lot before, but it was nearly impossible to find her without a bottle now. Noam wasn’t too far behind, but he had revenge to think of to keep him going. He spent his time running, studying, and breaking into the school records to find any proof of what was happening to Dara. 

He missed a lot of school, that was obvious. According to attendance records, Dara missed nearly fourth percent of his classes in his junior year, the reasons provided were always of the academic nature. Debate tournaments, college visits, other seemingly valid excuses for the son of Calix Lehrer. But Noam knew the truth. He had seen the state in which Dara had returned to the school, on multiple occasions. He played tennis too, freshman year. He was very good, it seems. The coach spent each year trying to get Dara back on the team.

For a moment, Noam thought about how nice it would be to watch Dara play. He could imagine Dara playing tennis. He never mentioned it, but it was easy to see him playing such a pretentious sport. The white uniforms on Dara’s tan skin would a sight, and any time in the sun would likely bring out more freckles. Noam liked Dara’s freckles. They made him look sweet, nearly innocent. The thought crossed his mind that Lehrer probably liked Dara’s freckles too, for similar reasons. 

Medical records were more helpful, and the school had those too. The school had its own doctor on campus, and Dara had visited her more than once. A broken collar bone, the flu, multiple broken ribs, and too many reports of alcohol poisoning, even stronger substances at times. Dara had refused to go to a hospital for any of it. The doctor contacted Lehrer and he said there was no need for outside help. Most of the broken bones were only ever reported because Dara had no other choice. The broken ribs were from the end of his freshman year, the tennis coach reported them after Dara collapsed on the court one day. The collar bone was even more obvious; he couldn’t lift his arm. 

Noam could barely hold himself together reading about it. His hand shook, and he took a break at one point to help calm down. Still, he needed proof. This was a start, but he needed more.


	17. Another Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dara returns to school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I’m alive but i may have tested positive for the corona virus lol so yeah I’m not having a great time? I dont feel sick and it might a false positive but OOF ya know?
> 
> Also i think I’m gonna get fired from my job? Does anyone know if they can do that? Bc like,, I’m not coming in lol? I mean i told my boss for sure but like,,,,,, i dont think she likes me 
> 
> Anyway I’m not happy about these developments and I’ll probably be updating every other day? I always love feedback so plz tell me how I can improve or what you like and dont like? Seriously i want my writing to be better for everyone involved

School picked back up again in early January. The first week was horrible. Ames wasn’t getting better. Bethany spent most of her time crying. Taye was trying to keep it together, but it was hard. Noam spent his time working and running. They still hadn’t heard anything on Dara’s condition. It had been nearly four weeks. They tried to find out through the school. They called hospitals to look for him. They even checked back in with the police. No one would tell them anything. They all began to lose hope. They thought he was dead. 

The four of them sat together at their regular lunch table, finally in their own spaces. That hadn’t needed to pull out a fifth chair in a while. Instead of finding the space comfortable, it felt like isolation. No one ever spoke much. Bethany would try, Taye could respond a bit but not enough to keep any conversation going. Most of the school could feel that the atmosphere their once lively table would produce had now turned sick and sad. Their grief was spreading but no one knew why. They had their suspicions, of course. Dara was gone. No one knew why. The four people that might know didn’t look happy about it. Rumors started to spread. 

“I heard he was scouted by some modeling agency in Europe and his dad finally let him go.”

“Jessica Lee told me that he and Lehrer are doing diplomatic things in Russia.”

“I’m pretty sure there was a car crash. He was driving drunk on his way home from a party. He’s still recovering.”

“I caught Mrs. Sugar and the tennis coach talking about it during passing period. He’s come down with some really rare virus and they’re working on a vaccine for it.”

“MIT got his test scores and he’s been admitted early.” 

Dara retuned to school on that Thursday. It was lunch and the cafeteria was as busy as it was going to get. The door opened, Dara took one step inside, phone in one hand, and bag in the other. It went silent. He looked up. Everyone was staring at him. Dara was never one to feel social anxiety, but this was a bit much. He took a breath and headed to his regular table. The crowd broke out into whispers and then back to its regular chatter. 

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” 

Noam was not in the mood for humor. He didn’t move. He just stared at Dara. He was always thin but now his face looked gaunt and hollow compared to how he had looked before. He had dark circles around his eyes and it looked a bit like he had the color drained from him. There were no visible bruises now. New or faded. His skin looked healed. He had his sleeves rolled up and his wrists looked skeletal. God, had he always been _so_ thin? Dara was still as pretty as he always had been, but now he looked fragile. He would break if you touched him. 

No one knew what to say. They all stared at him. Dara stated to look a bit uncomfortable. Slightly less confident than he normally was. “What?”

For a brief moment Ames looked angry. Furious. It was gone quickly and she put her head in her hands. “Are you kidding?” 

Dara look like he had expected her to be angry, but it still hurt. He stayed silent. 

“I can’t believe you.” Ames took a breath to gather herself. “You are _literally_ the worst friend anyone could have. I,” she stood up and grabbed her bag, “I’m glad you’re not dead, okay? I am so thankful that you didn’t _fucking die_ , but you do not get to come waltzing back in here like nothing happened.”

“Ames-“

“Don’t start that today.” She rubbed her eyes. “God, I can’t fucking believe you.” 

She left. Bethany tried to stop her, but Ames wasn’t having it. Dara didn’t go after her. Instead, he took her seat next to Noam. 

“Do you guys hate me too?” He didn’t look at them.

“No one hates you.” Bethany said. “Ames is just upset. That was… you can’t expect her to get over what happened so quickly.”

“And its be over a month. We haven’t heard anything, we thought you succeeded, we all thought you were dead.” Taye sounded mad too. He was frustrated. “We heard nothing. _Nothing_. A call, a text, a _goddamn email_ would have been nice, ya know?” 

“I didn’t have my phone.” Was all he said.

Noam’s hands were shaking. He pulled them under the table. “What happened?”

Dara crosses his arms, hugging himself. “I don’t want to talk about it. Not now. Not here,” He gestured to the rest of the cafeteria. “It… it wasn’t…” he took a breath, “Can we just talk about this later?” 

“It’s okay.” Bethany reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. “You don’t have to say anything.”   
  
For that, Dara was thankful. “Catch me up on what’s happened since I’ve been gone?”

They did. They told Dara all sorts of things about what had been going on at the school. Anytime the topic started back towards what happened that night at Griffith, they would gently steer it away. Dara seemed like himself, if only a bit sadder. More subdued. 

They were all trying to pretend things were normal. It was hard. Things couldn’t go back to they way they were before, but it was okay to pretend for now. The last month wasn’t easy for any of them, especially Dara. Noam first assumed he was in some fancy mental hospital getting treatment this whole time, or maybe rehab, but the more they talked, the more it seemed that wasn’t the case. 

The physical abuse had stopped, or at least been paused while Dara was away. Noam learned this later that night. He walked with Dara back to his room. Noam was a little afraid that Dara would collapse in the hallway or something. He didn’t, thankfully. Noam had all but forgotten that he had basically moved into Dara’s room, and that was a little embarrassing to explain. 

“You missed me?” Dara had been trying to tease him. 

“Yeah, Dara, I missed you a lot.” 

That made Dara blush and he turned away. He wanted to change his clothes but Noam didn’t want to leave him alone. So, Noam stayed and helped him get dressed, although it was mostly just talking with him until he was in his pajamas. He didn’t have any bruises. Noam shouldn’t have looked, but he couldn’t help it. He needed to know, and he got an answer. Lehrer hadn’t physically hurt him but that didn’t mean things were fine. How could things be fine? Knowing what Dara was going through…

“Can you talk about it?” Noam asked. They sat together in Dara’s bed. It wasn’t big enough for them, it barely fit Noam when he slept in it. “You don’t have to, if you don’t want to, but I’m here if you need me.” 

Dara leaned on him. “I can’t.”

Noam wanted to touch him. To hold him, comfort him, tell him that he wouldn’t leave. Make him understand that he cared. “Okay.” 

“I don’t know,” Dara sighed. “Maybe I can? You-you already know. It’s not like I’m having to confess anything, right? It should be easier, shouldn’t it?” 

Fuck it. Noam reached for and took Dara’s hand. Surprisingly, Dara let him. “None of this is easy.” 

Dara didn’t say anything. He looked upset. 

“I told you about my mom. What she did, that I found her there.” 

Dara nodded. He brought the hand that wasn’t holding Noam’s up to his shoulder and leaned his head there by his hand. 

“I blamed my self for a long time. I still do.” He laced their fingers together. “I know that its not really my fault, but I’m always going to feel like I should have done something.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“You don’t have to be sorry. You’re sick. It’s not your fault.” It’s Lehrer’s. Gordon Ames, too. Anyone who didn’t believe him. “I can’t handle watching you do that again. I need you to know that I am here for you, so is Ames. Taye and Bethany too. We care about you. No matter what happens, we’re still your friends. Ames might be mad now, but that doesn’t mean she won’t do anything and everything she can to help you.” 

Noam wanted to pull him into a hug and hold him. Dara might not appreciate it right now, he doesn’t always react well to physical touch, but the hand Dara had holding Noam’s neck made him think it might be okay. He hated having to think about this. He hated that Dara ever had to be afraid of being touched. 

“I’ll do whatever I can to help you. I promise I won’t let him hurt you again. I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again.”

“You can’t promise that.” The way Dara said it made Noam’s heart ache. “You can’t help me, Noam. I know you want to, and I love that you do, but there’s nothing that can be done.” 

“That’s not true. I’ll find a way.” Noam could tell that Dara was getting tired of this. He didn’t really want to argue either.

“You’re too good.” Dara whispered and Noam could feel himself blush. He looked at Dara and Dara looked at him. They were close, and Dara leaned in just a bit to kiss him. It was soft and slow. Noam let it happen but he was also the first to pull away. This wasn’t the time for anything more than a kiss. It occurred to him that being physical might be the only way Dara knows how to show affection.

They sat there together for a while longer. It was getting late. Noam still had all his things in Dara’s room too. Toothbrush by the sink, clothes on the dresser, books and computer on the desk. Noam thought it was a little embarrassing, but Dara didn’t seem to mind. In reality, Dara thought it was nice. He liked it. He asked Noam to stay there with him that night, and Noam accepted. Saying that he wasn’t planning on leaving him alone. They brushed their teeth together and Noam got dressed in his pajamas and climbed into bed with him. 

It was crowded. Noam was tall, and no matter how much they teased him about it, Dara wasn’t really short either. It was crowded, but not uncomfortable. They fit together like puzzle pieces and Dara had never felt so secure. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I love you! And appreciate you! Also remember you’re valuable because youre a person! Not because of how you look, or what you do or don’t do, and no one is going to stop loving u bc u gained twenty pounds or bc ur breaking out on ur chin 
> 
> If they do, they’re not worth your time and I promise i will totally adopt u if that happens?
> 
> Also understand that rashes are kinda important and mean things, for example if u keep breaking out in hives when u eat a specific plant, you’re probably allergic to it!


	18. A Camping Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They get out of the city for a weekend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy I’m back and I got a relatively long chapter here for youuu
> 
> I would apologize for being SO late but I’ve got covid so I’m not gonna do that 
> 
> I’m gonna try to finish before new year but no promises! 
> 
> Love u thanks for reading lmk what u think and tell me all ur worries

Ames is mad. It’s valid, too, which was annoying. Noam understood why she was upset with Dara. Disappearing for a month and coming back like he didn’t try to kill himself was terrible. He wouldn’t even acknowledge it in front of the others. Taye tried to understand but he didn’t get it, he tried to support Dara but any conversation about Dara’s suicide attempt easily became uncomfortable. 

That wasn’t the only thing they avoided talking about. Dara’s confession about Gordon Ames was very, very disturbing. No one wanted to bring it up. If they thought the suicide attempt was a bad topic for them, Ames dad was even worse. They neglected calling him by his name, even when Dara wasn’t around. The topic was generalized as much as possible. Lehrer, on the other hand, was spoken of very clearly. Noam wanted them to direct their negative energy towards someone specific. Lehrer was that man. He deserved it, too. Noam wanted Ames sr. to be thought of in the same way the spoke of Lehrer, but he understood how hard it would be on his friend Ames, even if she hated him already. He was still her father. Even if he was a fucking rapist, he still raised her. Maybe. Ames doesn’t talk much about her childhood, she might have had a nanny or some other rich person thing. 

Noam and Dara had continued to sleep together. Literally. Noam and Dara shared a bed in the most innocent way possible. It’s not like they didn’t want anything more, they definitely did want more. Noam wanted more, he really did, but he knew now wasn’t the time. Not with everything going on, no matter how much he wanted to, no matter how Dara tried. Noam wasn’t going to let himself take advantage of Dara’s mental state. He was still recovering from that night at Griffith. He still wasn’t eating, avoided talking much about anything substantial. There was good, too. Dara stopped drinking, and no longer went out each night to meet up with some stranger. They kissed regularly, not in public. Neither of them wanted people to know much about their relationship. Whatever their relationship was. They hadn’t talked about it, but it was clear that they both found comfort in the company of the other. So, Noam decided to wait before taking things further than a few kisses. And god, it was hard.

Dara looked at him with those eyes, his beautiful eyes, and late at night he would kiss Noam with his perfect lips and whisper words that made Noam forget everything. The morning wasn’t easier. He would awake in Dara’s tiny bed with their bodies pressed right up against each other just to fit there, and Noam would have to remind himself why he didn’t just let it happen.

He nearly gave in one night, or afternoon, really. Dara was on top of him, kissing his mouth, his face, his neck, moving his hands on Noam’s body and touching him in all the right ways. It was incredible how easily Dara could make him forget the world around them. The were laying there in that tiny bed for what felt like hours, and it might have been. It had been light out when they got there, but the sun had set rather quickly. The winter months do that. Noam wanted to touch him back, but the moment he tried to, Dara jumped. Noam felt the fear Dara held and their little make out session was quickly ended in order to calm him down. They both apologized and eventually gave up to go get dinner. They hadn’t talked about that again.

Over lunch one day, they decided to take a trip. Just a little weekend trip out into the desert. It was Bethany’s idea. They were all in need of a break. 

Noam didn’t want to go at first. He would be unable to contribute financially to the trip, and he didn’t have a car or anything else to help. But! Taye offered his car and Dara mentioned that he had always wanted to go camping. Camping means cheap, and they could get a hotel later if Dara decided he actually really hated it.

“You? Camping?” Taye couldn’t see it. 

“Sure.” Dara shrugged. “What’s the problem?”

“It’s just not…” Ames waved her hand about, “All the parties and glitter and drugs and guys.” 

“Is that all that I am?” 

That was the wrong thing to say, it seems. Ames looked angry. Noam counted the seconds. She was upset for four whole seconds before she took a breath and said, “No, Dara, that’s not all that you are.”

“So, the desert..?” Bethany tried again to get there. 

“I am not driving five hours to Death Valley.” That was final. 

“I’ll drive if the problem is, like, actually driving.” Noam offered. Taye seemed cool with that. 

“Right, but we have to get back to school on Monday. Do you really wanna drive to five hours on Friday and five again on Sunday? With all of us in Taye’s tiny car?” Ames was picking at her food. 

“Okay…” Yeah, that sounded like hell. “So where else?”

“Joshua Tree? Palm Springs?” Dara suggested. 

“It kinda feels like you two already had this planned, and are just trying to get us on board with it.” Taye narrowed his eyes at Noam and Dara. 

Dara just rolled his eyes. “Yes, Taye, that’s exactly what we did.” 

“Oh, come on, you and Noam are literally living together, its not really a stretch to think y’all might have planned a little vacay and a plot to get us willing to help.” 

“Bethany was the one who brought up taking a trip.” Dara tried to stay cool but his face was getting a little red. Its not like their sleeping arrangements were supposed to be a secret, but they kinda thought it was one of those things that they just weren’t gonna talk about. “And you really think Noam is the kind of guy that would try and trick us into getting a free vacation into the middle of the desert? We literally live in Los Angeles, Taye. The beach is twenty minutes from here.” 

“All I’m saying is that you two have gotten pretty close over the last few weeks.”

“Do you have a problem with that?”

Taye rolled his eyes. “Yes, Dara, I’m homophobic.” 

Dara bunched up a napkin and threw it at him. “Maybe not, but your gaydar is pathetic.” 

Ames, still upset with Dara, couldn’t help but laugh. “Do you remember freshman year when Taye tried to get you together with that Chloe girl at formal?”

“God, that was so uncomfortable.” Dara seemed to cringe at the memory. 

“In my defense,” Taye started, “Dara hadn’t come out by then.” 

“What do you mean I hadn’t come out? You literally caught me making out with Tim Jones in an empty classroom six weeks earlier.”

“You said he was helping you with homework.”

“His shirt was unbuttoned! He had his hands down my pants, and he wouldn’t look at you for the rest of the year!”

“That could mean a lot of things.”

Dara just stared at him while the rest of their table laughed. It was a nice moment. Ames had forgotten whatever she had been feeling, and was laughing along with everyone. Noam had his hand resting on the back of Dara’s chair almost protectively, Dara was leaning towards him. The air around them hadn’t felt this light since Dara left.

They headed out to Joshua tree on Friday after school, skipping their last class to pack everything into the car. Dara, Ames, and Bethany had gone to shop for tents and sleeping bags a few days before, which was a mistake on its own, and Ames eventually made Dara leave because he was “literally the worst person to ever shop with” and that she “can’t stand to be around him when he’s like that”. They had gone to three different stores together and Dara refused to agree to sleep in any of the sleeping bags they saw. Bethany and Ames called him a car and sent him back to the school after that. Ames told him he could sleep in the dirt if he didn’t like the sleeping bag they picked out for him. 

The car ride was comfortable, for Noam at least. He had the drivers seat and Dara claimed the passenger seat quickly. He told Ames he would only let her have it on the way back if her choice of tent was adequate. Taye tried to argue, it was his car after all and Dara was short, he should have to stay in the back. It was a difficult conversation and eventually they gave up. Dara got what he wanted, but he was not allowed to control the music because all his music was terrible. Ames had the aux cord next and that was revoked within the first ten seconds of whatever song she was playing. Bethany was smart enough to make a playlist specifically for the trip and they had no problems after that. 

It was a long drive, but the skies were clear and the landscape was pretty. Noam hadn’t left the city before. Maybe when he was younger, but he hadn’t had the chance to go on a vacation since before his mom died.

They got to the campsite around six. Noam decided to try and start a fire so that they could make something to eat while California’s Most Privileged tried to figure out the tents. He let them struggle for a lot longer than necessary. None of them were willing to ask for help. Except Bethany, who decided early on that she wasn’t going to be able to set up a tent and helped Noam with dinner. 

He and Bethany talked quietly for a while and laughed at Ames and Dara, who could not figure out how things were meant to go together. It would have been fine if Ames hadn’t immediately looked at the instructions, decided it didn’t look hard, and threw them into the fire. She admitted that was a bad idea later. Taye honestly almost had it but some things needed two hands. Dara spent his time looking at the sky more than actually helping, and Ames was trying her best just to force things together. Noam helped them eventually, after their embarrassingly long attempt. Ames asked Noam how he could put the tents together so easily and quickly. Noam told her that he’s known more than a few people who got kicked out or evicted from their homes and couldn’t find anywhere else to go. It was mostly true. He wasn’t going to tell them that he had spent some time alone on the streets after his father died and all his friends had been deported.

Dinner was ready and Noam helped serve the food. It wasn’t anything fancy. He wasn’t even sure if any of them would be willing to eat what was being served, but Dara wasn’t going to eat anyway, and everyone else had nothing to eat.

They sat together by the campfire and ate. Ames pulled out a bottle of vodka and passed it around. Noam saw Dara hesitate when it got to him. It was a long moment that he looked at the bottle before he passed it to Noam without drinking.

Ames tried to tease him for it. “Come on, Shirazi, I’ve never seen you turn down a drink in your life.”

“I’ll have you know that I’ve been completely sober for almost two months now.” 

“A month and a half.”

“That’s still longer than you’ve ever been sober.” The teasing turned more cruel than anything. It seemed like the two of them were trying to upset the other. 

Ames was drunk and still mad. Dara was trying hard not to break his streak. It had been a decent day up until then. Noam kinda thought Dara and Ames had made up at some point, but no. That now does not seem to be the case. 

“Hey, maybe we don’t peer pressure Dara into drinking right now? And maybe we just stop talking about how much each of us is drinking altogether, okay?” Bethany tried her best. 

It was ignored. 

“You’re sober? Let’s see that thirty day chip then, how bout it?” 

“You know that’s not what happened.” Dara looked uncomfortable. The fire crackled before them and Dara pulled on his sleeves, a nervous habit.

“Then what did happen? You won’t fucking tell anybody. You were gone for an entire month, Dara. Where were you if not in some fancy little rehab facility out in fucking Costa Rica or something?”

“You know exactly where I was.” It came out cold and quiet. 

“Actually, no, I don’t and that’s because you don’t tell me shit.” Ames somehow got her vodka back and took another drink. “You don’t tell anyone anything and then get mad when no one knows what’s happening! It’s not our fault that we’re not all as smart as you!”

“Ames, don’t-“ Noam started but he was cut off.

“What am I supposed to say? You all keep asking me to talk about it but what do you want me to say? You were all there. You saw what happened. I wanted to die so I tried to kill myself. It didn’t work, obviously, and I spent the last month in D.C. with Calix. What else is there? Do you want the details? Do you want me to tell you all about what happened there? I can, if that’s what you want. If you really want to know what happened, I’ll tell you, but I didn’t want to have to-to tell, he was…” Dara didn’t look angry. He was scared. His hands were shaking.

“I wouldn’t keep asking if I didn’t want to know.” 

“After I went to Griffith to die and you guys showed up with the fucking ambulance and messed that up, I was in a coma for five days.” He reached for Ames bottle of vodka and took a drink. 

Bethany’s eyes were big when she looked back at Dara. “You were in a coma?”

“I-” Dara took another breath. “Yeah. They said I was lucky. As far as they could tell, there was no lasting damage from what I did. Lehrer was upset. Not-not mad, not exactly. He didn’t do anything to me when I was there, while I was recovering.”

Noam was not going to stop him from talking now, not when he hasn’t said anything for weeks. This was the first time Dara had said anything about what happened. Glancing around, Bethany was getting upset, Taye just looked angry, and Ames kept drinking, a fresh bottle had appeared from seemingly nowhere. Someone should take it away from her before she gets too drunk. 

“He never asked me why I did it, but it felt like he didn’t understand. It was like he didn’t realize that he had ever done anything wrong to me.” He took another drink. “I don’t know. It could have been worse. He didn’t do anything too bad to me then, but it was hard to have to stay in that house. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Ames was crying. The rest of them looked uncomfortable.

“Is that what you want to hear?” He repeated. He spoke slowly now. “Or do you want me to tell you what he did to me to make me want to die?”

“You don’t have to.” Bethany pulled her jacket tighter around her shoulders. Noam thought she might have been crying too. He didn’t want to hear it, but it seemed like Dara needed to talk, and interrupting would make him stop.

“But is that what you want me to talk about? Do you want to hear about how he held me down? How he would put his hands around my neck and choke me until I passed out? How he would force himself on me? Do you want me to tell you the kinds of things he would tell me when it happened? Is that what you want to hear?”

“Please stop.” Bethany was crying now. Tears ran down her face and she put down her food and got up. “I’m sorry. I am so sorry that he did those things to you, but I can’t hear it. I don’t want to have to have those kinds of images in my head.” She wiped her face with her sleeve. “I’m sorry. I’m going to bed.” Bethany left. 

Ames got up too and headed towards the girls tent without saying anything, but she paused by Dara to kiss his face and tell him goodnight. Noam guessed that that was how they made up? Dara seemed to relax after that, forgetting the alcohol bottle by where he was sitting. Or maybe he was just tired. He didn’t look too happy about upsetting Bethany.

Taye, Dara, and Noam all sat by the fire for another few hours, talking about school, a relatively safe topic. Noam brought out marshmallows and they made s’mores. Taye had to show them how to do it, neither Noam nor Dara had done it before. Dara made fun of how many Noam ate and laughed quietly when Noam lost a marshmallow to the fire. Taye made some for the girls and left to bring them a plate and check on them. 

It wasn’t very cold but Noam and Dara ended up cuddling together in front of what use to be a fire. Taye walked by and told them he was also going to sleep and to make sure the fire was really out before they went to bed as well. Noam toed at the rocks that made up the fire pit and Dara told him that he would melt his shoes if he kept doing that. 

“Did it help?” Noam asked. Dara was laying on him, and he played with Noam’s hands. 

“Did what help?” 

“Talking about it. Acknowledging that it happened.”

Dara sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe. Ames isn’t mad anyone, so yeah.” 

“That’s good. She’s kinda scary when she’s mad.”

Dara laugh a little. “She can be.” 

They were quiet for a bit longer. Noam wanted to speak and tell him so many things. He wanted to say that he cared about him, that he would protect him and make sure no one was going to hurt him ever again. That he would make anyone who hurt him pay for all that they had done. He wanted to tell Dara that he would be there for him and help him recover. He wanted to tell him that he was the most beautiful person in the world with the greatest mind he had known and that he never wanted to go a day without seeing his face. 

Instead, Noam held his hand. “Would you tell me about the stars?” 

Dara smiled a small, genuine smile and looked up at the sky. “Okay.” 

They spent another hour looking for constellations and Dara told Noam all about everything he could think of. The stars were brighter out here in the desert, far away from the city lights. It had gotten late and Noam had to help Dara back to their tent when they finally got tired. They were quiet to avoid waking Taye. Once they were settled, Dara rolled over and put an arm around Noam to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Dara, what kind of plant is this?”
> 
> “That’s a Joshua tree.”
> 
> “And this one?” 
> 
> “That’s also a Joshua tree.”
> 
> “What about that one?”
> 
> “I swear to God, Ames-“


	19. The Desert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day in the desert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas! I hope you all are having a good time! I got some great presents! Tell me about ur Christmas presents! Or what ur family does instead of Christmas? U could really just tell me about ur day? I love u
> 
> Also I apologize if this chapter suckkksss lol it was very self indulgent and I’m sure its got that vibe where you know the author enjoys something very specific and its kinda strange for that characters to care that much about that random thing, but idk? Lmk if that bothers u ill fix it later
> 
> Oh, also, yes, this doc might be getting longer, i kinda just thought I’m trying to end it too soon and i don’t wanna have a stupid ending at all? Dont think it would b fair to have a bad ending? With how long I’ve spent doing this, i want to be satisfied with how it goes, and so far i kinda am? Ending it too soon might ruin that. Lmk ur thoughts!
> 
> I love u

The morning was cool and bright. Noam woke up to an arm wrapped around him and voices laughing quietly just outside the tent, moving away. Taye had already left the tent at some point before Noam and Dara awoke. Noam opened his eyes and rolled over to look at Dara who was still sleeping peacefully next to him. The sun shined bright and even in the gentle shelter Dara was glowing. His face was relaxed, the most relaxed he has ever been, awake or asleep, and his hair was messier than usual. Noam couldn’t help himself and he gently leaned in to press a kiss to his face. One kiss, then another, and another until Noam could confidently say he had kissed most of Dara’s freckles. It woke Dara up and he started laughing and tried to push Noam away. Noam just pulled him closer and kissed him more. 

“Oh my god,” Dara turned his face away, it didn’t help. Noam still kissed him. His face, his neck, all along his collarbone and anywhere Noam could see exposed skin. “What has gotten into you?” 

Noam stopped and looked at Dara, affection obvious on his face. “I just like waking up next to you.” 

Dara blushed more than ever and turned away, trying to get out of the sleeping bag. He didn’t say anything but he was trying hard to hide his smile.Noam laughed and got up too. Getting dressed in the little tent was not something either of them were use to, so it took some time.

“Don’t let Ames catch you talking like that, she’ll never let it go.” 

“Is that really a problem?” 

“Maybe,” Dara shrugged. “People would talk.” 

Oh. This wasn’t about the possible teasing. “I’m use to it.” 

“This would be different.” 

“How? I mean, more than half the school thinks I’m a criminal, and everyone adores you. I don’t think they’ll treat us much differently if anyone finds out we’re together.” No one would treat Dara any differently. How could they? Dara would still be Dara, and he would say something devastating to anyone who tried to give him a hard time about dating him. Although, they might treat Noam differently, better, probably. Noam didn’t care all that much either way. The only person he was truly concerned with was Dara. 

“Together.” Dara seemed to think about it for a moment. “Is that what we are?”

Noam couldn’t figure out how Dara felt about that. “I don’t know. I mean, I know you’re not really… a relationship kind of person.” 

“Is that your way of telling me I’m a whore?” Dara smirked at him. 

Noam didn’t know how to respond. “Uh, that’s not the word I would’ve used.”

“Why not? It’s accurate.” 

Yeah, that was not at all something Noam wanted to hear. “What? No, Dara, that’s not, no-“ he reached out for him, gently took his hands. He needed a moment to find his words. This seemed like something that would set Dara off if he made a mistake. “You can sleep with whoever you want. That shouldn’t- I don’t think any less of you because of it-“ 

“You know what, I’ve changed my mind. We don’t have to talk about this now.” Dara pulled his hands away. He looked uncomfortable. “When we get back to school, we can sit down and discuss our relationship or something. Today, I just want to go for a hike without being mad at you.”

“You’re mad at me?”

“Not today. Maybe on Monday.” He unzipped the tent and walked outside. “Or Tuesday, actually, I wanted to go to that new bookstore on Monday. I won’t have any fun if I’m mad at you then.”

Noam followed Dara out of the tent. “I don’t want you to be mad at me at all. Maybe we just don’t be mad at me?”

When then finally made it outside, breakfast was ready and everyone else was dressed and had already eaten. Ames was a bit hungover and she made some instant coffee. 

“Why are we mad at Noam?” Ames handed Dara a cup of coffee. 

“Oh, I’ve got plenty of reasons.” Dara took a seat next to her around the fire pit. “He always hogs the covers, never stops complaining about the school issued computers. He always wears the same ugly old sweatshirt with the holes in the armpits, gets annoyed with me when I let the water run to brush my teeth-”  
  
“-Hey, woah, we are in a drought, first of all. Second, I hog the covers? You have _seven_ blankets! _Seven!_ And you wouldn’t let me have one!” 

“If you wanted a blanket, you should have brought one from your room.” Dara took a sip of his coffee. 

“And we all know the school computers are terrible-“

“Actually, I really like my laptop. They probably just gave you a defective one on purpose. Cyber terrorism, and all.” Bethany couldn’t help but smile. 

“It wasn’t _terrorism_!” 

“Oh, I’ve got another reason to be mad at Noam!” Taye chimed in. “He doesn’t use bookmarks.” 

“Oh my god, you’re right! Why doesn’t he use bookmarks?” Dara laughed. 

“I just remember what page I’m on! How is not using a bookmark any worse then Dara dog-earing all his books? Or using random things as bookmarks?”

“That’s totally different.” Ames replied. She looked like she had thought about this before. “Dara’s marking his page, sure a little strangely, but he’s not going to accidentally open his book to a wrong page and read some horrible spoiler, like someone would if they just tried to remember the page they were on.” 

“Wow, Ames, that was a pretty good answer.” Bethany sounded sincere. “I didn’t even know you could read.” 

Ames set down her cup. “Okay, one of you had been spending too much time with Bethany. Who was it?” She looked around at them. “If no one fesses up, I will make each of you regret it.” 

Bethany just laughed, but Noam was unsure if those threats were empty. 

They all took their time relaxing in the morning, trying to decide where they wanted to go and what they wanted to do that day. Dara insisted that they find a good place for pictures and get some good ones to post. Noam didn’t care that much about it, but was happy to have an excuse to stare at Dara for an extended period of time. Dara was beautiful. Noam tried his best to take good pictures, but he really thought that Dara looked perfect in all the photos. Ames must have seen how Noam was acting because she spent a good while laughing at him and helping him take Dara’s picture. 

They were looking back through the camera roll when Ames leaned on Noam shoulder and started scrolling. There were so many pictures of just Dara. “He looks good, doesn’t he?”

“He does.” Noam answered before he even had the chance to realize what she said. She just laughed and went to go pose with Dara. 

  
They hiked around and had a picnic in the park. It wasn’t cold and the skies were clear. Perfect weather in the middle of January, it was the desert after all. The harsh landscape was empty of anything but Joshua trees and rocks and a few other cacti? Cactuses? Noam didn’t know. He could ask Dara but then they would laugh at him. Not that he minded. It would be worth it to see Dara smile. Dara had such a pretty smile. God, he was pretty. It was almost infuriating how good he looked. Perfect teeth, perfect lips, beautiful eyes that were pools of obsidian, Noam wanted to drown in them. Perfectly symmetrical face with sharp lines and freckles that just begged to be kissed. Stupidly prefect hair that he had seen Dara fuss over for way too long in the mirror each morning. He had tried to tell Dara that his hair already looked good, but Dara told him he was not going to take advice from someone who uses two-in-one shampoo and conditioner. 

Dara didn’t eat much at lunch and Noam tried to make sure the group wandered slower through the trails. Dara was still recovering and he wasn’t gaining back any of the weight he had lost during the month that he was gone. He still looked like he might faint at any moment, but he was trying. Noam could tell. He ate snacks, even if he didn’t eat meals. Noam made sure to keep a bag of trail mix on him at all times in case it looked like Dara needed a break. Noam understood he was probably being a bit excessive and tried to make his actions a bit less obvious. 

They wandered the area for a long time and when they got back to their campsite they were all hungry. Noam made the fire while Bethany and Ames tried to make dinner. Dara came to help Noam, and had much better luck than he did. They ate dinner and made more s’mores, then Taye went to the car and brought out some flashlights. 

“We have a fire, why do we need these?” Ames put down her food and took one. 

“Because! These are special.” Taye turned his on and pointed it at the ground. It was purple. 

“A black light?” Noam was a little confused. 

“Is this some kind of weird sex thing?” Ames didn’t seem to get it either. 

“No,” Taye answered, “Well, maybe. Don’t point it at Noam or Dara, I really don’t care to find out what they were doing in the tent for the hour after I left this morning.”

Dara rolled his eyes, “So what are we doing with the flashlights?”

“Great question! You see, some kinda of bugs have this really cool problem where their exoskeletons glow under black light, even just regular moonlight, sometimes, but its harder to see. No one really knows why, but there are a lot of theories-“ 

“Taye.”

“Right, so we’re going to look for scorpions.”

“Scorpions?” Noam asked. He wasn’t afraid of them, but the idea of leaving their warm little campfire to go explore the wilderness in the middle of the night was… actually sounding fun. At least, more fun than he first thought. “I thought that they would, like, hibernate? Or something?”

“Normally, yes, but this year has been pretty warm and I think we could find some if we tried.”

It took some convincing, but Taye had wanted to try this out and no time would be better than now. So they went bug hunting. They spent hours looking around for any signs of scorpions, but it was hard. Too cold, probably, and no one knew where exactly they should have been looking. Mostly, they were just happy to be exploring at night. It was a good time to just be kids. They were gonna give up and head back to camp when they finally found one. 

“It’s bigger than I thought it would be.” Dara had his flashlight pointed at it, and bent down to look. 

They all gathered around it. It was four, maybe three and a half inches, and not moving. It had big claws and a stinger on its back. It was definitely a scorpion. 

“Is it gonna sting us?” Ames was picking up a stick.

“If you poke it with a stick, it might.” Taye tried to take the stick from Ames. 

“I don’t think it knows that we can see it.” Noam said. 

“Maybe its dead.” Bethany suggested. 

They all got their fill of the creature and headed back to camp. Noam held Dara’s hand and they followed quietly behind the group. Dara would point out some stars and Noam would try to listen but Dara’s face was too distracting. The scorpion adventure was a bit anticlimactic, but Noam was thrilled to hold Dara’s hand while they walked. 

Taye had removed his sleeping bag from the tent and stuffed it in his car, saying he wasn’t going to spend another night in that tent with Noam and Dara acting all sweet and cuddly. Dara said it was more likely that Taye didn’t like sleeping on rocks. Whatever it was, Noam took the opportunity to be much more cuddly with Dara that night, and kissed him far more than necessary. 


	20. Sun Shower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last day of their camping trip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! I was gonna post this like two days ago but my WiFi was acting stupid and didnt work?
> 
> This chapter is honestly not great lol idk what happened? I’m posting another chapter today in a few hours or tomorrow to make up for it? I’m not gonna b happy with myself if i don’t produce anything good this week lol 
> 
> Lost my job! Woo! I’m applying for schools now lol so that’s fun? Idk 
> 
> Love u! Thanks for reading

Dara awoke Sunday morning to find himself once again tangled up, as much as they could in sleeping bags, with Noam. It felt familiar by now, and Dara would never admit how much he enjoyed it. The day before was wonderful. No bad conversations, no angry phone calls, no passive aggressive comments, and no Lehrer. God, that really did make the difference. And, Noam. Being around Noam really helped. He was kind and selfless and smart and pretty. Dara was smart and pretty but he was neither kind nor selfless, not in anyway that mattered. Noam was everything that Dara never realized he wanted. He wanted to work for it, too. And that scared him. He’s never wanted anything before. Eh, that’s not exactly true. Dara has wanted people and clothes and things, but he could just ask for it and it would be received in five colors. He’s never had to work towards anything. 

Being with Noam was different. A relationship would take time and effort from both parties, and he would need to give more to get anything back. They argued and had to compromise, something that Dara never had to do before, and he didn’t even realize what was happening at first. Dara had never been willing to compromise until now, and now he was having trouble holding his ground. Noam would suggest something and Dara would deny it initially, but then Noam would bring it up again, and Dara would quickly give in. It might not be too healthy. Or maybe it was more healthy than how he had been living? It didn’t matter. Dara liked to see Noam content and if he was a little too proud of himself, Dara would find a way to knock him down a peg or two. 

Dara turned to look at Noam while he slept. Neither of them got up too early, but normally Noam awoke first. Noam liked to wake Dara up with some kind of affection. This would be Dara’s chance to do the same. Maybe. He liked to watch Noam sleep. Not in a creepy way! Well, maybe a little. Dara enjoyed seeing Noam at peace, which he almost never was, and he could admire Noam without getting caught. And there was just so much to admire. 

He’s called Noam cute before, pretty, too, but neither of those were really good descriptors for him. As much as he hated the word, handsome was really the best way to describe him. He looked strong and grown up, it was hard to believe he was only sixteen. That, and he was big. Not the largest guy in school by far, but big enough that he stood something like six inches taller than Dara. He was use to being short, even Ames was taller than him, she wouldn’t let him forget it, and usually tall is synonymous with intimidating. Noam wasn’t intimidating. He could be, when he wanted to. Dara remembered how Brett would cower in the halls when Noam passed by, and the way that kid at homecoming hesitated when Noam stood tall and puffed out his chest. Noam had never done that to Dara. He had never tried to make Dara afraid of him. He want sure how he would react if Noam were to do that. They had yet to get into a fight about anything real. They argued a lot about plenty of different things but at the end of the day, it didn’t matter and they would make up. Mostly. Dara had a feeling that things were too good to be true and that this might break if he said the wrong thing or made some kind of mistake. He also feared the conversation about Brett and Gordon Ames and Lehrer that he knew was coming. Noam would want him to go to the police or somewhere else that would help him get out, but Dara wasn’t sure he was ready for that. Even if he was lucky enough to find someone to believe him, there’s no way for them to help him. Murder would be good. He wasn’t sure if he could pull the trigger and kill Lehrer, but he loved to fantasize. 

Noam stirred, reaching out for Dara. Dara took his hand. Noam pulled him close. He really was affectionate. Dara would have to work on that. He would have to work on accepting casual touches that weren’t violent. 

“G’morning.” Noam’s voice was low and he sounded tired. 

“Did you sleep?” Dara propped himself up on his elbow but kept one hand on Noam’s chest. Noam never sleeps. Neither of them do, really, but Dara was working on that. It didn’t seem to matter to Noam if he was only getting three hours a night. Although, when they slept together, Noam seemed to try and sleep through the whole night, for Dara. Like, He was trying to give him something stable and routine. Or maybe he just slept better when there was another person around. 

Noam smiled at him. A smile far too relaxed for someone who had been sleeping in a tent. God, his eyes were pretty. “I slept as well as I have been.” 

“So you didn’t sleep?”

Noam just leaned and tried to kiss Dara. Dara let him. They stayed like that for a while, and when they did finally get up, Taye and Ames were already awake too. They ate breakfast and talked about where they would go today and how badly they all wanted to shower. 

“I still can’t believe this was your idea.” Ames told him as she sipped her coffee. “I mean, when you were saying you wanted to go to the desert, I thought you meant Vegas, or, like, _actual_ Palm Springs.” 

“You know I’m not exactly welcome in Vegas.” 

“Why aren’t you allowed in Vegas?” Noam asked. 

Dara opened his mouth to answer, but Ames cut him off. “He cheats!”

“I don’t cheat.” There was a lot of eye rolling that morning.

“Maybe its not exactly cheating, but he counts cards for sure.” She bumped Dara with her foot. 

“I don’t count cards.” Dara bumped her back. “But a couple casinos in Las Vegas kicked me out because I won a bit too often.”

“Yeah, we even had to have my dad come down and talk to security at the Bellagio after they realized Dara’s ID was fake.” 

“Which-I don’t even know what gave it away, that was a _good_ fake!” He was still mad about that. 

“It’s because you looked fourteen.”

“When was this?” Noam asked. 

Dara shrugged. “Maybe two or three years ago.” 

“Not to mention Dara had been drinking for three days straight at that point and puked on the guy who made him leave.” 

“I didn’t even get to keep the money.”

Ames groaned at that. “Dara, your guardian is, like, a multibillionaire.” 

“Still, I worked for that.”

“Oh yeah? And who’s money were you gambling?”

“You know,” Dara looked at her, “I think your dad funded that trip.” 

“Ew, probably.” There’s a pause. It was about time for a subject change before they got to discussing Gordon Ames in any depth. 

“Did you get your SAT results yet?” Taye asked. 

Ames made a face. “Yeah, I think I got like a thirteen sixty? I’m not surprised. My counselor told me I’d be lucky to get over a twelve hundred. I told her to fuck off. Yeah, I don’t go to class, but my grades are fine. I’m not stupid, and the drugs have yet to completely rot my brain.” 

“I think I got something like that too. I got a near perfect score in the math section.” Taye said. “Noam, how’d you do?” 

He looked embarrassed and shrugged a bit. “I think I got an eleven twenty.” 

It wasn’t a bad score, just far lower than the rest of theirs, but Dara knew he worked hard for it. “That’s still above average, and if you take it again in a few months I’m sure you’ll see an improvement.” With how hard he works, he could probably get a fourteen hundred. 

“What about you?”

Dara hadn’t checked. He had been hoping for a perfect score, he could do it, he knew he could. The math portion was where he was struggling last time. “I don’t know. Fifteen something, probably.” 

“You didn’t look? You were stressed out about it for weeks and you didn’t look?” Ames couldn’t believe him. 

Dara shrugged. “I didn’t have my phone while I was away, and I mostly forgot about it until now.” Again, mostly true. He didn’t have his phone while he was on suicide watch, he did forget while he was back in DC, but he had been putting off checking it for a while now. 

“Okay, the moment we have WiFi I’m checking for you.” Ames sipped her coffee again. “Actually, do we have service out here?”

“Ames, no.” 

“Give me your phone.” She got up slowly from her spot by the fire pit, setting down her coffee on the ground. Preparing for a fight. 

“I’m not doing that.” Dara reflexively reached for his phone in his pocket.

“What? Afraid I’ll find some embarrassing photos?” Neither of them moved for a moment before Ames practically lunged for him and Dara jumped away. Ames managed to wrestle the phone out of his hands, “Aha! Taye hold him back while I check his email.”

“I’m with Dara on this one. What if you find photos of your dad on there?” Taye said, entirely too calm for the situation. It was not where this conversation should have been going, but that really upset Ames. 

She paused, her grip on the phone faltered and Dara could almost reach it.“ _Do_ you have nudes of my dad on your phone?”

“No! ” Dara wanted his phone back more than ever now. He wasn’t lying, he didn’t have naked pictures of her dad on the phone but there was evidence of their relationship there, and Dara wouldn’t be able to handle Ames seeing it. No, he didn’t have inappropriate photos on his phone. Gordon Ames had them on his computer though. Oh god, Dara had forgotten about that. 

Ames didn’t look like she believed him, his reaction was far too much for there to be nothing, but gave him back the phone anyway. “Does… does he have some of you?”

He didn’t know how to answer that. He was suddenly very aware of everyone looking at him. He could lie, tell her that there was nothing, that he never took pictures, videos, but she wasn’t going to believe him. “I’m not talking about this right now.”

Dara shoved his phone in his pocket and rubbed his eyes. 

“Dara,” Noam started, “If he does-“

“I said I’m not talking about this right now.” He snapped at Noam. Noam didn’t deserve it, but there was no way he was going to have this conversation at ten in the morning with so many people ganging up on him. “Can we just plan our day and talk about this some other time?” And by that he meant never.

The rest of the morning was entirely too uncomfortable until Bethany got up and fixed things for them. They planned a little day in Palm Springs and eventually it felt like they had forgotten about that morning. Except Noam. Noam doesn’t forget about that kind of thing. Well, its not like the others forgot either, more likely they just didn’t want to talk about it then. Or ever. Ames might bring it up again but this whole thing was too uncomfortable for Taye to talk about. 

Dara bought Noam an ugly T-shirt as a joke at some little gift shop and had way too much fun trying to help Ames climb on top of some ugly sculpture they found on some street corner. They got lunch at a dirty little taco truck that Noam swore would be better than it looked. Dara tried to complain, and the food was really messy, but it was good, even if he only ate a few bites of it. Taye made a comment about Noam being Mexican and Noam ignored it, once again reminding them that he was in fact Colombian. Dara missed the part of the conversation where Noam explained how he could pick out the best and cheapest food, instead choosing to stare at him while he stuffed his face with his food. Disgusting, really, but, god, it was endearing. 

Ames brought up checking Dara’s SAT score but Bethany suggested waiting until they were back at school. Ugh. Dara really didn’t want to know how he did. It was just going to ruin his mood. 

They stayed in Palm Springs for a while longer before piling into Taye’s little car and heading back to the school. It started raining on the way back, not hard, but enough that Ames commented on it. The sky was clear and the sun was shining. Technically, they could see clouds in the distance if they really looked, but it was an unusual sight. They found themselves pulling over on the side of the road. 

“Sun showers.” Noam said, opening the car door and stepping out. “My mom use to tell me they were good luck.”

Dara wasn’t really in the mood to get rained on, but he was in the mood to watch Noam in the rain. He opened his door too, and held his jacket over his head when he stepped out. Noam spun around and Dara laughed at him. Ames and Bethany were getting out too. Ames picked up Bethany and twirled her around, dancing to the car radio. They were cute, Dara thought, adorable even. If only Ames could figure out Bethany liked her. 

He had been distracted by the girls, Dara didn’t even notice Noam coming around to see him. Dara saw Taye reach over and turn up the volume before getting out too. He looked back at Noam.

“Dance with me?” He held out his hand and looked at him so fondly. If it was possible to overdose on a feeling, Dara would die from how much he liked Noam. 

Dara took his hand and they danced in the sun shower until the rain stopped. 

  
Getting back into the car to drive for another hour and a half was even less bearable than it sounded. They were all shivering and turned on the heat and their clothes were sticking to their bodies and Dara’s hair was getting out of control. Noam lent him that ugly T-shirt they bought in town so at least Dara had that, but Ames wouldn’t stop complaining about wearing denim that day. 

They finally got back to school around six or seven, much earlier than they had expected, and everyone split up to shower in their own rooms. Except Noam and Dara, who were sharing a room together. Noam showered first, mainly because Dara took forever in the shower, and then they headed back down to get dinner alone in the cafeteria. They totally could’ve invited the rest of their little group, but Dara’s phone died and he conveniently misplaced his charger. Noam happened to have done the same. 

Dara did his best to ignore the looks that the rest of the school gave them when Noam put his hand on Dara’s back. They argued about politics while they ate and went back to Dara’s room and watched a movie when they finished. 

Dara thought that by now, he should really have been getting sick of Noam, with all the time that they’ve spent together, but it was surprisingly hard to find something he didn’t like about Noam.

He decided that tomorrow he would try to talk again with Noam about the topic of being ‘together’, the whole thing seemed less scary than it had before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can someone tell me something good that happened this week or something that youre looking forward to? Haven’t had a great week and could use some good news
> 
> Thank u for reading  
> I Love u


	21. Public Affections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noam kisses Dara in public, and they talk about their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) hi! I love u!
> 
> Thank you for reading!

The week after their camping trip was relatively good. Their vacation had them all relaxed, mostly, and Dara had yet to receive any messages from Lehrer. Dara had wanted to talk to Noam about their relationship, but it kept getting postponed. Monday, they had school and then the tennis coach cornered Dara after school to talk with him again about rejoining the team. Dara actually thought about it. Sure, he wasn’t in as great of a shape as he use to be, but a month of practice and he could probably get back to where he was. He needed something to keep him occupied. He spent Monday and Tuesday thinking about it and trying to remember what he did with his tennis bag. Maybe getting back into tennis would be a good idea. He would have to start working out again. If he asked, Noam might run with him sometimes. Dara forgot that he wanted to talk to Noam until Ames brought it up Wednesday. 

Ames told him that he should talk to Noam about it and that things would be fine when he did. Dara was nervous. He knew that Noam liked him, he literally lived with him at this point, and neither of them seemed to want that to change. Dara’s biggest concern was that Noam wouldn’t have sex with him. He wasn’t quite ready to mention that to Ames but it was getting a little frustrating. They both wanted more, at least Dara thought they did. Noam definitely responded physically when he tried to initiate anything further than making out, but he always stopped Dara before they took their clothes off. Dara had his suspicions as to why Noam was waiting. Mostly outrageous ideas and things that wouldn’t make any sense, and also things that unfortunately made too much sense to Dara. None of his ideas were good.

  
Thursday came and Noam met Dara outside of his class to walk to lunch with him. It was sweet, and maybe he could’ve pulled Noam aside and spoken with him then about what they were, but he didn’t. Taye caught them halfway to the cafeteria and went on and on about how one of the teachers wanted him to join some new club. Dara tried to listen. It didn’t work well, and Noam’s hand occasionally brushed his when they walked, so, obviously, he forgot everything he was going to say. 

Ames and Bethany were already at their table when they arrived and Noam and Taye left to get their food after setting their things down. Dara had his water bottle and chose to stay and talk with the girls. Noam, sweet boy, noticed Dara’s lack of food and even went out of his way to bring him an apple when he returned. Dara loved the gesture and did eat the apple without complaint, even if it made him feel a little sick. Topic of conversation today was mostly football, which he tuned out, and let Taye and Noam discuss it in depth. 

After Dara had finished his apple, he leaned on his elbow and rest his head against his hand and stared at Noam, who was very expressive when he spoke. His eyebrows knit together and he rolled his eyes at a lot of what Taye had been saying. God, he’s cute. Dara didn’t even know he was smiling until Noam paused to look at him. 

“What?” Noam asked, a little hesitantly, like he wasn’t sure what he did to be the focus of Dara’s attention.

Dara shook his head and leaned back in his chair. “Nothing. You just seem really passionate about this.”

“I’m passionate about a lot of things.” Still not quite sure why Dara was smiling. 

“Ugh, we know!” Ames rolled her eyes. “Yesterday you literally spent eleven minutes-uninterrupted-talking about how being environmentally conscious shouldn’t fall on the average citizen but large corporations who are actually causing all the waste in the landfills.” 

Dara laughed at that. 

“Am I wrong?” Noam asked rather defensively. 

Dara set down his drink. “Oh, of course not. You could never be wrong.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He seemed genuinely confused. 

Ames laughed. “Are you kidding?” 

“Look, Noam, we love you, but you are in fact the most stubborn person we know.” Taye was smiling too. 

“Yeah, its impossible to have a discussion with you sometimes, because once you have an idea in your head, it would take the world to stop spinning to change it.” Ames took another bite of her food. 

Noam thought about that for a second. It was like no one had ever pointed that out to him before.

“I just keep praying that you don’t go into politics because you’ll have this country converting to communism in two years, tops.” 

Noam opened his mouth to respond but Ames cut him off. “Not that you see anything wrong with communism, but I personally want a private island and I don’t think communism supports that.” 

“Just ask your dad for one. They can’t be that expensive.” Taye shrugged. “I think the Monroe family just bought a mountain for, like, 1.3 mil? There’s no way an island is more expensive than a mountain.” 

“Taye, I am not asking my dad for a private island. You know that if I do, he’ll turn it into another Little St. James.” 

“Ames!” Bethany looked horrified. “You can’t just say things like that!” 

Dara was feeling uncomfortable now and pulled his arms around himself. Their little mood turned sour.

Noam seemed to have understood. His expression turned angry and, for a second, Dara thought he would do something. He didn’t, thankfully. Dara wasn’t sure how he would react to that. Whatever ‘that’ was. 

Ames shrugged and they were all quiet for a second. Dara could practically feel their thoughts turn towards him. Yeah, okay, not something he wanted to deal with right now. 

“I’ve decided to rejoin the tennis team this year.” He supplied a new, safer topic of conversation that had nothing to do with pedophiles or any kind of abuse.

“Really?” Taye asked. “I thought you gave that up long ago.”

Dara shrugged. “I did, but Jerry-“ the tennis coach “-wouldn’t stop asking me. I figured since its my last year, I’ve got nothing to lose.” 

“And now, something to look forward to.” Ames looked at him for a second and then sat back in her chair. “I think it’s a good idea. You need something to get you out of your head and out of the dorms.” 

They talked for that for a while. Dara would have to buy some new gear and clothes and then start exercising. They were almost done with lunch when Noam suddenly jumped up. 

“Shit!” He stuffed the last bite of food in his mouth and grabbed his bag. “I told my chem teacher I would visit him at lunch,” he paused to check his phone, then set it down to pick up his notebook, “I’m twenty five minutes late.” 

Ames laughed at him. Dara handed him his phone, which he nearly walked away without, and then Noam bent down and kissed his cheek before leaving. It wasn’t until the rest of their table stopped talking that he realized what Noam did. By then, Noam was long gone and Dara was alone. 

“What?” Maybe if he pretended nothing happened, they could skip this convo too. 

Ames raised her eyebrows. “I just didn’t think you too were…” she waved her hand, “Public. And honestly I’m kinda upset that I wasn’t the first to know that you two made this official.”

“We’re not official.” He still hadn’t talked to Noam about that yet. 

“It certainly seems like Noam thinks you are.” Taye said. 

Yeah, this was going just where he thought it would. 

“Come on, Shirazi, you know how rumors spread around here. You can’t kiss a boy on the cheek in the cafeteria at lunch, and just expect the school to ignore it.” Ames looked rather done with this. 

Dara tried to say that it wasn’t that big of a deal, but it kinda was. Dara’s never had a boyfriend before so this was just as bad as when people found out Noam had a criminal record. Except, people didn’t know Noam. The whole school knew Dara. Everyone knew what kind of person he was and what he did in his free time. It was no secret that he had slept around and now hearing that he was going steady with some poor orphan who was only at the school on a scholarship… that was news. And it spread like wildfire. It didn’t help that Noam had to pick the most crowded place on campus to accidentally kiss Dara. By the end of lunch, a quarter of the school knew. By the end of the day, it was more than half. 

Dara had been trying to cut back on his drinking and he had been doing really well. Sober for over a month, then that night when they were camping set him back a bit, but he had avoided any temptations since then. Now things would be harder. There was attention on him, and it wasn’t that good. It would have been better if Dara could have reveled his relationship on his own terms. It was so far out of his control, that Dara was starting to feel pretty shitty. 

Noam never even realized what he had done. He went to class without realizing that that abundance of whispering was actually about him, what he did at lunch. It wasn’t the first time he walked into a room and the conversation stopped, but now he didn’t know why. If he actually thought about it, he could figure it out, but he was stressing over some chemistry test and didn’t give himself time to think about anything else. He went running after school, and met Dara back in his room to shower and get dinner. 

Dara did not look great when Noam got out of the shower. He was anxious and biting his nails. Noam asked if he was alright. 

“Did you do that on purpose?” 

Noam had no idea what he was talking about. “What?” 

“You kissed me today at lunch.”

Oh. He didn’t know how to go about this. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking. It was just a… reflex? I guess.” 

A reflex. It was almost funny. Noam’s reflexes were to kiss Dara when he was stressed, nothing else. 

“It’s just,” Dara started, “I was hoping to talk to you about that.”

“The kiss?”

“That and some other things.” Dara paused his pacing to look at him. 

Noam sat down on the bed. “Okay, talk.” 

He had the floor. “I like you. A lot, if you couldn’t tell, and I want a relationship with you.” Dara waited for his reaction. 

“Yeah, I do too.” He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

That was a relief. “That’s not the only thing though.” He didn’t pause long enough to let Noam respond, just to take a breath. “I want to do this, and I want to do this right. I’ve never had a boyfriend before, and I know I’m going to mess this up somehow.” Noam tried to open his mouth and protest, but Dara went on. “And you know the kind of reputation I have around here. It’s not going to be easy for us, but I want this to work. I, just, after you kissed me today, the whole school has found out about us-and I just wish that was something we could have discussed privately before.”

“Again, I am sorry-“ 

“-I know you are. I know you didn’t mean anything by it, and that’s another issue. You’re,” he took a breath, “ _Very_ affectionate, and I’m not really trying to broadcast my private life to the whole school.” That wasn’t a lie, but the problem was with being grabbed, too. Dara was jumpy.

“So I shouldn’t be affectionate in public?” 

“Ah, well, that’s not it.” Dara was going to give himself a headache. Not that this was going poorly, but that he didn’t want to do this in the first place. 

Noam looked confused. “You’re kinda all over the place. Can I or can I not kiss you?” 

“You can, I mean, I want you to.” He took a second to think. “Okay, you can kiss me on the mouth, but not in the cafeteria. You’re allowed to hold my hand, put your arm around me, and hug me anytime, as long as you haven’t just finished a workout. Although, I will hug you after any big games you have in the future. You can kiss my cheek as long as we are not in any class-“ 

“Dara.” He was laughing. Noam held out his hand and Dara took it. Noam pulled him down to sit on the bed. “You don’t actually care about me kissing you in the cafeteria, do you?” 

He didn’t say anything for a moment. Dara took a breath. “I don’t know.” 

“It’s okay.” He brought a hand up to cradle Dara’s face. “How about we start over?” 

Dara nodded and started again. “So, I like you, and the decision to make this relationship public has already been made. I want this to work, but I’m not use to your kind of affection. I’m not use to any kind of affection. And I fear the news of our relationship getting back to Lehrer.”

Noam removed his hands at the mention of that name. “Right.” He looked like he was about to get lost in thought. Noam sighed. “So I already fucked that up.” 

“A little bit.” 

Noam’s eyes were unamused. “What do we do?”

“Right now all we can do is wait. People will be over it in a week.” Dara said. “I just cannot handle the attention right now.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Noam, if you apologize again, I will slap you.” 

He laughed. Dara let himself smile too. 

“Does this mean we’re exclusive?” 

“Yes.” Dara answered too quickly. Its not like they weren’t already that way, but saying it out loud helped. 

Noam’s eyes filled with pride? Joy? Dara didn’t know. Noam was happy, though. 

“So what does your list of approved affections say about butt grabbing?” 

Dara leaned back against the headboard. “You want to grab my butt?” 

“Ugh, yeah. Isn’t that obvious?”

No, it wasn’t, considering he would not touch Dara in a sexual way. “Once a week?”

“ _Once a week_?!” 

“Why did you say it like that? How often were you planning on grabbing my ass?” 

“Four times a day, _minimum_.” Noam climbed more onto the bed to reach Dara. 

“That might be a bit excessive.” 

“How about I can grab your butt once a day, not in the cafeteria or the dorm lobby?”

“Every other day, excluding the gym and football field as well.”

“Deal.” He kissed Dara softly on the mouth. 

Maybe things would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love making new friends. 
> 
> Unrelated, does anyone else really hate cheap socks? I keep thinking about that “Larry, I’m on DuckTales” i literally cannot get it out of my head. Ive never laughed so hard. I cannot believe that that was unscripted and i cannot believe that they could act well enough to make something so funny, even if it was scripted. I have never in my life been so amused. I’m getting that tattooed on my body. 
> 
> I love u thanks for reading!  
> Lmk if u have any thoughts and suggestions! I want this to be enjoyable for both me and whomever is reading this!


	22. A Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fight breaks out after school

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy babies love u so much i hope ur all doing wonderfully and having a lovely new year

School came again the next day. Dara knew what to expect, but he was still anxious. How could he not be anxious? High school was brutal.

Dara walked Noam to class and Noam kissed him right on the mouth before he left. People really were staring. He knew that there would be some comments about this, about him, but Dara would try to ignore it as best he could.

Mostly, the student body would avoid saying anything to his face. No one would dare to bully him, but Taye felt the need to share all sorts of rumors he had heard during break. The rumors were honestly not that bad. People thought it was an attention thing and that they would break up before the end of the month. A couple people told them that they’re cute together, but Dara did not appreciate the comments. People seemed to care more than they should’ve. 

Noam’s day wasn’t much better. People were calling him names behind his back, nothing too bad, but it still was frustrating. 

Football practice was starting up again, and now that Dara was going to be playing tennis once more, their whole group would go directly to the locker rooms to change after school. Dara hadn’t stepped into the boys locker room since freshman year. He thought it was disgusting, and would just gone back to his dorm room to change if it wasn’t a ten minute walk there. Dara also hate having to change in front of so many people, many of whom he had been with before. They had seen him with bruises and marks that were proof of what he had done. No one would say anything, but those curious eyes made him want to tear off his own skin. 

Dara had gone out the previous night and bought himself a bunch of things for tennis, including a bag, a racket, and shoes. He figured that today he could go out and see how far his skill level had fallen. The last time he played was after Lehrer broke a couple of his ribs, and he collapsed during a match freshman year. Dara wanted to finish the game, but the coach insisted he see a doctor. They said that his injuries reflected that of a car accident. In reality, it was Lehrer throwing him around. So, yeah, he was a little out of practice. 

Noam and Dara walked together to the locker rooms to change for their sports. Taye would have been there too, if he didn’t have to talk to one of his teachers. They got there early and Dara made sure to pick the far back corner to change, where he could avoid as many people as possible. Noam tried his best to keep the conversation light and to keep Dara excited for tennis. He asked questions and told Dara that he looked good in his uniform, and Dara responded by throwing clothes at him, but he was laughing. 

They had finished changing when the door to the locker rooms opened and they could hear a group come in. 

“-No way, Bobby’s got fifty bucks that they won’t last the week.” There was laughter. 

“God, I still can’t believe it. He could have anyone and for some reason he’s with that annoying communist motherfucker.” Dara watched Noam process what they were saying. He reached out to grab him before he could start a fight.

“And he’s here on a scholarship too. Gotta be some sort of kink, right?” Someone set a bag down.

“Charity project, actually.” Sounded like the soccer team. Dara never did like soccer. 

Noam was gripping his own bag hard. His brows knit together and his jaw was clenched, Dara thought he was going to break his teeth. 

“Ignore it.” Dara told him quietly. “It doesn’t matter.” 

“I dunno, maybe Álvaro’s really good in bed.” Someone else said. 

“Are you kidding? That kids been to juvie, there’s no doubt he’s gotta be a little rough.”

“We’ve all seen those bruises, Dara likes it rough.”

“Oh, he does. Taylor March fucked him at a party last year in San Diego, said he practically begged him to do it too. Said he’d never seen anyone so desperate.” 

Noam had enough of waiting at this point, and despite Dara’s protests, stepped out to see who was talking. “Do you people ever shut the fuck up?” 

It’s not like Dara didn’t care about what was being said, he did care, but it wasn’t anything new. That, and the word desperate made him feel sick. 

The guys talking turned to see who interrupted their chatter. Dara was half hidden behind the lockers now, trying to monitor Noam without having to interfere. He refused to move from his spot and be seen. It would only make things worse. 

“Aw, come on, it’s not like I’m wrong.” One of the guys in a blue T-shirt said. 

Noam was preparing to fight, standing tall and holding eye contact. “You should really stop talking.”

“You’re just mad that you’re literally the last person to fuck him.” The guy laughed and took a step closer. “How does it feel knowing your little boyfriend’s sucked off more guys than-“

Dara should have expected it. He’s gotten into fights where much less was said. Noam hit the guy, hard. Then he hit him again. And again. Violence doesn’t solve as many problems as one would hope, but it sure felt good watching people get what they deserve. Of course, the guys five friends were unwilling to let Noam walk away as he was. Dara thought that would be the best time to break up the fight, and emerged from his hiding spot to grab Noam. He figured if he could break their eye contact, they would cool down, and if they even knew Dara was there they wouldn’t have hit back anyway. 

“Noam, stop,” Dara grabbed his bicep before he could throw another punch, but one of the guys was reaching for Noam too, and ended up hitting Dara. 

Everyone froze. They were all looking at him. The guy who hit him immediately looked sorry. Big eyes, open mouth. There was something dripping down Dara’s chin, and he brought one hand up to his face, mainly out of shock. He could feel and taste the blood of his split lip. Dara could take a punch. He had handled far worse in the past without causing any trouble, but he was stressed. Without thinking too much about it, he pulled back his fist to retaliate. Dara hit him back. 

Now, Dara had been in self defense classes since he was five. He could fight, he just never had the chance to before. The rest of the guys were too surprised to do anything except let it happen. That, and there was no way anyone else would survive leaving a mark on Dara. They would be expelled before their own parents were contacted.

One of the guys left to get a teacher, and Noam managed to get Dara off of the poor kid before they returned. Noam even got Dara a towel for his lip. It didn’t feel good like he had hoped it would. The soccer coach arrived in the locker room to escort them all to the dean’s office. It was embarrassing. Dara had gotten blood on his tennis clothes. His brand new white clothes, and sneakers. He was more upset about the sneakers than anything else. His hand was starting to really hurt, as well. An ice pack would be nice. 

The soccer coach let Dara take a second to regain his composure and clean up as best he could before they left the locker room. It didn’t help much. 

Walking through the gym hallway was very uncomfortable. People were watching him. They all could see the blood. Everyone was quiet, or maybe Dara was having a panic attack and couldn’t hear anything. That was a good possibility too.

Ames and Bethany were coming out of the girls locker room when they passed. Ames made eye contact with Dara and he shrugged. She looked like she was angry at the situation.

Noam and Dara were told to sit outside the office where the school nurse came along to take a look at them while the rest of the boys were getting lectured. Dara probably didn’t break any bones in his hand, but that soccer player in the blue shirt looked like he had broken his nose. Wether it was Noam or Dara who had done it was up for debate.

“God, Noam, you really should stop getting into fights like this.” Dara told him while he checked Noam’s face after the nurse left. “This is, what, the third fight this year?” 

“Nobody can prove I fought with Brett, so, really, it’s just the second.” 

“You’re gonna be expelled pretty soon at this rate.” Dara sat back in his chair. 

Noam sighed. “Maybe, but I thought there was a three strike rule, ya know?” 

“Technically, the school has a no violence policy, and you should’ve been expelled after that first fight at homecoming.” 

“Yeah, but that didn’t happen.”

“Only because Lehrer wanted to keep you around.”

Each time the name was mentioned, Noam got upset. “Yeah.” His voice was cold. He didn’t mean for it to happen, either. It just did. 

Dara rested his head on Noam’s shoulder. “I don’t need you to try and defend my honor or whatever that was today.” 

“That wasn’t what I was doing.” Noam slowly brought his hand up to Dara’s head and brushed his hair back, out of his face. “I just can’t stand listening to them say things like that.” 

“Everything they said was true.” 

“It doesn’t matter if it was true or not. They shouldn’t be speaking about you like that.”

“It was just…locker room talk?” 

Noam closed his eyes and sighed, dropping the hand that had been in Dara’s hair. “Was that supposed to be a joke?” 

“Was is funny?” 

“No.” 

“Come on, it was a little funny.” 

Noam wasn’t smiling. They sat in silence for a while. 

“I didn’t know you could hit like that.” 

Dara reached for his water bottle and took a drink before he responded. “Yeah, well, I try my best to avoid fights. Maybe you should do the same.” 

Noam’s posture changed to something more defensive. “Any fight I’ve gotten into has been unavoidable.” 

“Homecoming was unavoidable?” 

He hesitated. “Okay, all the fights except homecoming.” 

Dara shook his head and then took the ice pack off his hand and pressed it to Noam’s face. His eye was swelling and he had blood on his face too. He flinched at the contact and Dara had to bring up his other hand to hold him still.

“I’m mad at you.” Dara told him. 

“Because I got into a fight after you explicitly told me not to?”

Dara didn’t reply. How could he be anything except mad? Noam deliberately went against his wishes and now they were sitting outside the deans office, close to expulsion. Lehrer was not going to be happy about this.

“I won’t apologize for it. They deserved what happened.” Noam couldn’t be wrong. Dara ignored any attempts at conversation for the rest of the time they were sitting there.

A few minutes later, the dean opened her office door and sent out a couple of the boys they had fought with. She watched the other boys leave before turning her eyes to Noam and Dara. She looked them over and sighed before motioning for them to come inside. Noam got the lecture on how he was throwing away an opportunity at a better life, and Dara was told that he was better than this altogether, and that he had been doing so well lately. She even had a breathalyzer in her desk drawer specifically for Dara, and she was honestly shocked when the results proved he was sober. Dara rolled his eyes and she ignored that. Apparently, Lehrer was in Europe for the week and thankfully wouldn’t be around to express his disappointment until next Tuesday. She made it clear that this would be the last time either of them left her office without punishment, but Dara highly doubted that. Expelling either of them would mean going against the wishes of Lehrer, and they all knew she wouldn’t risk that.

  
Two hours after the fight, and they were finally allowed to leave, heading back to the dorms to change. Tennis, it seemed, would have to wait, as would Noam’s football practice. The only thing that Dara could think right now was that he needed a drink. 

They were suspended from class for two days and Noam was now on some kind of probation. Dara could have been more upset about it. He was just happy Lehrer wasn’t around. He hadn’t been cruel while Dara was recovering over break, but it had been nearly two months and his moods tended to change erratically. 

Noam left to make the journey to the cafeteria for dinner and Dara was in bed with a bottle of whiskey when he returned. Dara thought that he looked disappointed. He set the bottle down and rolled over to face the wall. Noam left the food on the dresser and asked if he could join Dara in bed. Dara didn’t respond and he didn’t move to stop him when he put on his pajamas and climbed into bed with him. He brought a couple of makeshift ice packs for Dara’s lip and hand as well as his own eye. Dara didn’t say thank you but he accepted them. 

It was too early to sleep but Dara didn’t want to be awake so he pretended to sleep while Noam typed away on his laptop. Noam removed Dara’s ice packs when they were no longer cold and when it was late enough to be a reasonable bedtime, Noam closed his laptop and kissed Dara’s cheek before laying down next to him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One thing i think about a lot is how those commercials with the funny products that are like “Dont u HATE cutting off ur fingers when trying to slice a tomato” and show an little product that does the slices for u’ or ‘wear a sn*ggie! No more problems with eating food with a blanket!’ And those types of commercials are actually selling products ‘made for people with disabilities but have to commercialize it for super clumsy people and often children, otherwise they wouldn’t sell anything’. Like no one really needs a sn*ggie but its so much easier to put that on than a jacket when you're in a wheelchair! But its like not true? Like none of that is true? I like to believe it but honestly people really do like to have sleeves in blankets and things. Most “as seen on tv” products really were just made to make life easier for the average person but also happen to be good for disabilities 
> 
> Honestly idk which one is better? Making something with the intentions of helping a specific group of people and having to market it to everyone or making a product with everyone in mind and finding out its good for that specific group of people? I fell like as long as those people get the product in the end without having been scammed in some way, things would b good? 
> 
> Also people should mind their own fucking business but that’s a rant for another day 
> 
> Not even sure if I’m making sense lol 
> 
> I love u all and hope u have a lovely night! Also please fix ur sleep schedule before you regret it! 
> 
> Lastly, all the letters i removed with ‘*’: u, u


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dara talks to ames about stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe hello yes i am alive! Ik its been forever and my updates probably wont become more frequent but they wont become less frequent either! I’m planning on twice a week and since i know now how I’m gonna have this story go, that should work? So no real days but hopefully twice a week until this is finished and then I have another idea I wanna work on but idk how that’s gonna go so i will NOT keep u updated on that one lol.

During the first day of their suspension, Dara made Noam spend his time out of the dorms and alone. Noam was a bit hesitant to go and Dara had remind him that he was still mad about the fight before he left. Noam spent his time studying in the dorm lobby and went for a run at some point that afternoon. 

Dara spent his day trying to get his mind off of drinking. After two months of sobriety, he was still missing his whiskey. He had a slip up last night and downed half a bottle of whiskey. Nothing made him feel better anymore. He needed new coping mechanisms that wouldn’t kill him or cause him to black out whole nights, although, blacking out could be helpful at times. If he drank enough and blacked out maybe he wouldn’t have the memories of Lehrer-except, Lehrer didn’t like to see him drunk. Blacking out might help forget about it but Lehrer would leave physical reminders.

Dara decided he was done thinking about that for the day and texted Ames to get lunch.

  
They went off campus to a little sushi place nearby. Ames talked and talked about how everyone was talking about Dara and Noam beating up five guys in the boys locker room yesterday. Apparently, Noam and Dara weren’t the only ones who were suspended. Anyone in the locker room that day was forced to take a break from school for a few days, and the boy that punched Dara was suspended from soccer for the next month. Dara didn’t really care. Ames said she was impressed that anyone was even able to land a hit on him, especially his face. She was surprised he wasn’t expelled for that alone. 

Dara let her gossip and tell him all sorts of things for most of the lunch, but there was one thing he wanted to discuss with her that he wasn’t sure how to do it. Really, two things he wanted to talk about but the second one made him much more nervous than the first. So he started with the easier topic.

“Noam won’t have sex with me.” 

Ames choked on her sushi. Dara paused for a second and handed her the napkin before continuing. 

“He won’t touch me. I try to initiate things, and he rejects me. It wasn’t like this before he found out about Lehrer-not that he wasn’t like this before, actually, we’ve… never had sex. The point is; I feel like he’s disgusted with me for what happened.”

By now, she recovered. “Dara, he adores you. It’s not that. And you know he would never blame you for Lehrer’s actions. If he does, I will castrate him myself.”

He rolled his eyes. “I know you will. But I can’t think of another reason for why he’s acting like this.”

“Maybe he’s saving himself for marriage.” Ames suggested and took another bite of her food. 

Dara shook his head. “I’m pretty sure he had sex with his ex girlfriend, Carly, or something, before she was deported. I don’t think he’s a virgin.” 

“Then he just hasn’t been with a guy before.” 

“That’s not it either.” Dara reached for his cup of water and stirred the the ice around with his paper straw. “It just feels like he doesn’t want to do anything with me.” 

“Maybe he thinks you have something?”

“Like what? I’ve been tested, and I haven’t slept with anyone else since then.” 

Ames set down her chopsticks and counted her fingers. 

“What?” 

“Well, the last time I remember you sleeping with anyone was early December, right? So its only been, like, two months since then. You know better than anyone that things like this might take longer to-“ 

“Ames, I do not have an STD.” 

She shrugged. “You might.” 

Dara stared at her. She wasn’t taking this seriously. “Why else would he be avoiding this?” 

“He might just not want to have sex right now.” She gave it some thought. “I dunno, Dara, maybe he’s insecure about his body or maybe he’s the one with the STD.”

“I highly doubt that.” Dara mumbled. This was not helping as much as he thought it would. 

Ames sighed. “You know, as much as I like to hear about your sex life, maybe you should try talking to your boyfriend about this.” 

“I can’t right now. I told him that I’m mad at him.” 

“Because he got in the fight or because he doesn’t want want to see you naked?”

“The fight, Ames,” Dara set his cup back down, a little harder than necessary. “I told him to leave it alone, and he didn’t. I don’t understand how he can do these things. He said he did it because he couldn’t stand to hear them say things about me, but it’s not like they were making anything up.” 

“Dara, you knew, when getting into this relationship, that Noam was a fighter. Stubborn. He hates seeing privilege and he’s very protective of what he thinks is his. You know this.” She put another piece of sushi in her mouth. Dara wasn’t a fan of being referred to as Noam’s _anything_ but that was less about the relationship and more about the objectification. He knew Ames didn’t mean it that way. “That, and he’s been to jail for, like, cyber terrorism.” 

“It wasn’t terrorism.” He felt himself say. He looked back at Ames and she was almost smiling. He could smile back, just a bit. 

“Talk to him, Shirazi.”

As much as he hated to admit it, Ames was probably right. He should talk to Noam. Ames decided to ditch class for the rest of the day and go with Dara to explore a new bookshop that opened up in town. Ames asked him if he had checked his SAT score yet, and he said no. He had too much to think about right now, and anything less than a prefect SAT score would make him more upset. 

They wandered around for a while after the bookstore and found themselves heading towards the ocean. The two of them sat and watched the water for a while. 

Ames wanted to talk to him about her dad, but she didn’t want to force him to say anything he didn’t want to. She would have to wait for him to bring it up first. Which, was almost funny, because Dara was feeling nearly the same way. 

They sat in silence for a while after their conversation dropped off. 

Dara pushed around the sand with the toe of his shoe. “Do we need to talk about it?” 

“Yeah,” Ames kept her eyes on the water, “But I don’t know what to say.” 

He took a breath before he started. “I was fifteen, when it started. He came to me and I didn’t stop it. He wasn’t cruel to me. It could have been worse.” He watched her realize what he was saying. Her hands started to shake. “I’m sorry.” 

“No.” She took a breath, posture changing. She turned to him and looked at him with big eyes. “That’s not-you have nothing to be sorry for. Dara, none of this is your fault.” 

He held the eye contact with her for as long as he could, but it quickly became too much and he looked away. “Isn’t it?” 

Ames took his hand. “No. This isn’t your fault. You can’t possibly think this is your fault.” 

“It feels like it is.” He knew he shouldn’t try to argue with her. 

“It isn’t. He’s an adult. He know what he was doing was wrong.” She sounded like she was going to start crying. 

He’s made her cry too much this year. Dara leaned towards her to hug her. She hugged him back and held him tight. 

“This isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. This isn’t your fault.” She would keep telling him that until he believed it. 

Ames hugged him tightly for a long time. He could feel her breath on his shoulder. “I’m gonna kill him, okay?” 

He wanted to argue with her. He couldn’t. 

“This isn’t your fault.” She said it again. “This isn’t your fault.” 

He was trying. He was trying to accept that and believe her, but it was hard. Ames wasn’t wrong, though. She never was. About these things, at least, she wasn’t ever wrong. It had taken time for him to believe her when she said what Lehrer had done was wrong. It would take some time for him to realize that Gordon Ames was like Lehrer in too many ways. Lehrer’s actions were wrong. So were the actions of Gordon Ames. 

Quietly, just to hear himself say it, Dara spoke. “It’s not my fault.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope all of you are having wonderful days! Wonderful weeks, even. I want to make cookies.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They have SEX and talk or whatever but all they’ve been doing is talking about their feeelings lately so yeah they have sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter is ✨terrible✨ And a bit ✨confusing✨ But i want to finish this story and were getting SO close!  
> Anyway I love y’all and thanks for reading i hope you all have lovely days and afternoons and whatever else it is that people have!

Dara and Ames returned to school later that night. They parted in the lobby, Ames left to go find Taye, have him do her math homework. Before she left, she stopped Dara on his way to his room. 

“I love you. You know that, right?” She told him, hand on his shoulder. Sincerity in her voice. 

“I know. I love you too.” He meant it. 

She gave him a little smile and kissed his cheek before she turned back to the crowd of people entering the lobby, yelling at them to see if they had seen Taye. 

Dara went back up to his room. He took a moment in the elevator to remember why he was dreading going up there. He was dreading a lot, these days. Everything was a chore. It all had to be done for any of his relationships to heal, which was the only reason he did this. He wanted to heal. Lehrer was still there. Dara couldn’t do much about that. He was forever going to be that presence in his nightmares, but he wouldn’t be alone now. He didn’t have to be. Ames was there, she always would be, he knew that now. Noam was here too. Noam, who would fight for Dara, especially if it wasn’t the time to do so. Taye and Bethany too. He should be nicer to them, he thought. 

The elevator stopped on his floor, doors opening to the hallway. Dara walked down towards his room, expecting Noam to be there already, waiting, perhaps, maybe with dinner on the dresser that was cold already, not that it mattered. Dara would only eat a bit of it to be polite.  
  
Dara turned the handle. The door was unlocked. Noam was sitting at the desk, typing away on his laptop with his headphones in, back to the door. Dara closed the door a bit louder than normal in an attempt to avoid spooking Noam later. Noam didn’t notice. Whatever he was listening to, it was loud. Dara stepped towards the dresser, peaked at the food left there, decided he wasn’t hungry, and sat down on the bed to take off his shoes. Noam still hadn’t noticed him.

Dara had gone through his dresser and set out his pajamas on the bed, heading now to the shower. The shower mat was still damp from Noam’s own shower earlier that day. Dara did hate that. It was one of the biggest problems with living with Noam. If he only dried off in the shower before stepping onto the mat, this wouldn’t happen. They would argue about it later, he knew they would. Noam would claim it’s impossible to fit in the tiny shower to dry off. Dara would tell him that he was overreacting. 

He left the bathroom, walked towards the bed with his towel wrapped around himself. He called out to Noam, to see if he had turned to volume down on this headphones. He hadn’t. Dara got dressed and towel dried his hair. By now he really thought Noam should have noticed him. He contemplated throwing a pillow at him, but he looked busy, still typing away on his laptop, pausing periodically to make a note in his notebook. Dara climbed onto the bed and picked up a book off of his nightstand.

  
A while later, an alarm went off. Loud enough to startle Noam out of concentration. He picked up his phone and silenced it before turning around to find his bag. That was when he noticed Dara, not jumping, like Dara had hoped would happen, but surprised. 

He casually pulled the buds from his ears and looked at him. “I never heard you come in.”

Dara took the time to finish a page in his book, turning it loudly before responding. “You looked busy. I was quiet.” 

Noam glanced at Dara’s hair, still damp. “You must have been.” 

“What did you do today?” 

Noam closed his laptop and stretched his arms, letting out a sigh, “I worked, mostly. I had a bit of studying to do. Janson gave out a six page packet-double sided-due on Monday.” 

Dara hummed in acknowledgement. Eyes never leaving his book. 

“What about you?” 

“Ames and I got lunch.” Dara turned another page. 

Noam glanced at the clock. It was nearly ten. “A bit late for lunch.” 

Dara wanted to laugh at that. At this. Whatever this was. Noam was waiting for Dara to say something. Dara didn’t want to talk. He set down his book. “Are you finished with homework for the night?” 

Noam wasn’t. He had a lot left to do, but this was an invitation. It would be rude to refuse. “I can be.” 

Dara stretched his legs out on the little bed. Noam stood up, he was being drawn towards him. Dara’s eyes were dark and Noam lost his train of thought.

His knee pressed down on the bed, and he climbed on top of Dara, leaning in and kissing him slowly. Gently. Too gently, it seems. Dara pulled him closer, opened his mouth, drew him in. 

Noam’s lips were chapped, his hands were calloused and rough, but he was gentle. One hand on Dara’s waist, the other holding himself up to avoid crushing Dara under his weight. Dara instinctively spread his legs and let Noam settle between them. 

The hand on his waist moved down, following the curve of his body, caressing his thigh, squeezing his ass. “I thought you were mad at me,” Noam said, kissing Dara’s jaw, his neck, sucking a bruise to the soft skin.

 _I still am_ , he wanted to say. “Keep touching me,” came out instead.

Noam listened. He stopped thinking a long time ago. How could anyone be expected to think when Dara was pressed up against him, breathing heavily, and asking him for more? Noam moved his hand back up Dara’s body, under his shirt-Dara gasped quietly, Noam’s hands were far too cold. Dara had goosebumps on his arms. He bent his knee, pulling a leg up to wrap around him, pulling him closer. 

They were moving quickly. Dara didn’t want it to stop. He had been waiting for months for this to happen, and he was needy, starved of affection. He wanted this. Dara wanted Noam. 

Dara reached for Noam’s shirt to remove it, to touch him, but Noam stopped him. He grabbed Dara’s wrist and kept him from doing that. 

“Wait.” he said. 

Dara didn’t want to. He was frustrated, in more ways than one. “Why?” He said, voice sharp and angry, out of breath. 

Noam rested his head against Dara’s shoulder, catching his own breath. Dara couldn’t deal with that right now. He pushed him off and sat up. Noam looked hurt. Good, Dara thought. He deserved it.

“Why do you keep doing this?” It was hard to keep the anger out of his voice.

“What do you mean?” That was the wrong thing to come out of his mouth. It made Dara more frustrated. 

“ _Are you kidding?_ ” Dara wanted to turn on him, push him, fight. He took a moment to gather himself, steady his breathing. “Why do you keep rejecting me?” 

“That’s not what this is.” He began to reach out with one hand and Dara slapped it away. 

“That is _exactly_ what it is.” Dara shot back. “I have tried and tried to with you, and you keep stopping me. Do you know how disgusting that makes me feel? Do you not want me?” _I thought you wanted me._

“ _Of course_ I want- _God_ , Dara,” he ran a hand through his hair, “You tried to kill yourself, not even two months ago, one of the reasons being that someone _raped_ you.” Dara flinched at the word. “Then, you came back to school, put your trust in me, and-and I didn’t want to hurt you! I don’t want to hurt you. In case you’re unaware, you’ve been in a pretty fucking fragile state since you’ve returned. I wasn’t going to take advantage of that, of _you_.” 

Dara shook his head. “That’s not what this is.”

“It’s what it feels.” 

“That’s not what this is.” He said again. 

“It doesn’t matter.” Noam responded.

“Wether or not I’m ready to have sex isn’t for you to decide.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not for you either, I suppose.” 

That hurt. That _really_ hurt. Dara didn’t want to be around him anymore. Anything Noam said now was going to make this worse. “You should go.” 

And he did. Hesitantly, hurt, slowly. Noam gathered up some necessities and headed back to his own room for the night. Dara went to bed feeling sick. 

Dara awoke shaking, sweating, crying. The room was cold. He reached out across the bed, looking for someone. He was alone. 

The nightmare had mostly been forgotten. Images of hands reaching out for him in the dark-a voice telling him to relax, to calm down, that was still in his head. Except, that wasn’t a nightmare, more of a memory. 

Turning on his phone’s flashlight, he got up. Stumbling to the bathroom to throw up, and then back towards his bed once again. He pulled his blankets back around himself and sat towards the corner of his bed. Alone. No one was there, hiding in the dark corners of the room. He even turned his light around the space to confirm it. 

A drink would be nice. Helpful. One drink, maybe two, and he might be able to sleep that night. He still had a bottle of whiskey, tempting him, hidden under his bed. One drink. One, and he could put the bottle down, away. He didn’t have that kind of self control. 

Dara climbed once more off of his bed and reached for the bottle under there. Once he had it, he sat there on his floor for a moment, just looking at it. It wasn’t expensive, but would do its job. He checked the time on his phone. It was barely past midnight, and while he had no problem drinking alone, he thought of Ames, and the conversation they had that day. _I love you_ , she had said. 

He texted her. 

  
She took a while to respond. Really, she didn’t respond at all. Instead, half an hour later, Ames was knocking on the door to Dara’s room, bringing her own drink and a half eaten carton of nondairy ice cream. 

Dara didn’t answer. He had opened the bottle of whiskey and seemed to have forgotten himself. The door was unlocked, Ames came in. He was still on the floor and she had to help him up onto his bed. 

When he noticed her ice cream, he asked if she would share. She said no, but had brought him a spoon anyway. That was really what best friends were for. The ice cream distracted him from the whiskey, her company kept him from doing anything he regretted. She didn’t ask him what happened, he was thankful for that. He let her talk about nothing until they fell back asleep together. 

  
It was late morning when there came a knock at the door. Both Dara and Ames were too hungover to care, so in came Taye, carrying Ames bag, talking about some big, important test she was going to miss today. She grumbled a bit, but did get up. They left soon after. Ames kissing Dara’s cheek before leaving, telling him she’d be back to check on him later. He could almost register Ames and Taye’s conversation before the door closed and Dara fell back asleep. It was always easier to sleep during the day. 

A few more hours went by and Dara found the energy to get up. On the way to brush his teeth, he noticed his tennis bag laying on the floor by the foot of his bed. He considered the time, his current state, and lack of any plans for that day, and thought it might be good to head out to the tennis courts for an hour or two. 

Getting dressed was easy enough, but the sun was much brighter than Dara remembered it being. He truly didn’t think he had that much to drink, but this felt like a hangover. He decided he would try harder to stop drinking in the future. 

The tennis courts were just as Dara remembered. The nets had been replaced recently, but other than that, they were exactly the same. Green concrete, cracking in places, and dirty metal benches that made it look like any public high school. Dara hated that. The football players could get brand new equipment each year, of the highest quality, anything they needed to win some stupid championship-and, they almost never did. Sure, a three year streak was great, but up until then, the football team was awful. Okay, that might not have been true. The real problem was that Dara wanted to play on clay courts and the school was unwilling to instal clay tennis courts on the request of one student, no matter to whom that student belonged. There was a tennis club nearby that had clay courts anyway, but it was a hassle to get there. 

Dara played tennis that day. He stretched and practiced serving, mostly. There wasn’t much else to do. There was a ball machine, but he didn’t have the endurance to keep up with it then. Skipping breakfast and lunch probably didn’t help either. 

He had lost a lot of strength, but he still had the skill he had from before he quit the team. 

Noam texted Dara around one, asking if they could talk. Dara couldn’t find a reason to say no. He packed up his things and headed back to his room to shower, stopping along the way to chat with some teacher about his split lip and suspension on the way. 

By the time he had gotten back to his room, Noam was there, waiting by the window with his arms crossed. Dara closed the door loudly. Noam turned to face him. 

“Hey.” 

Dara dropped his tennis bag on the floor in response. He ignored Noam, pulling off his shirt, dropping it on the floor as well, and heading to the shower. 

Noam was still there when he got out. Dara paused in the doorway before heading to the dresser and putting on some clothes. Noam sat on the bed, hands fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. 

“I talked to Ames today.” He said, casually. As though they were never fighting. 

“I would hope so. She’s, like, one of only four friends you have. It would be unusual if you didn’t talk to her.” 

Noam visibly relaxed, knowing Dara wouldn’t banish him for speaking now. “She said you were at the tennis courts today.”

Did Dara tell her that? He couldn’t remember. He might have. “What of it?” 

He shrugged. “I thought our fight would put you off of that for a while.” 

“I figured I would just avoid locker rooms from now on.” Dara pulled on a shirt that he knew wasn’t his own. 

Noam leaned back on his hands on the bed. “Or I could hack into school records and have those kids expelled for talking about you that way.”

Dara gave him a stern look. “You will not.”

Noam gave him a shy smile. Testing the waters. Were they okay? Dara didn’t want to fight anymore. “Okay, I won’t.” 

Dara finished getting dressed and sat down on the bed next to him. “You’re not taking advantage of me.”

“How do you know?”

“Are you kidding?” He laughed a little, “You respect me way too much. You’re the most caring person I’ve ever met, I don’t even think you know how to take advantage of a person. You couldn’t, even if you wanted to.” 

Noam’s cheeks turned red. 

“I want to be,” Dara cringed at how he phrased this, “… _intimate_ with you.”

He sighed and leaned his head on Dara’s shoulder. “I would like that. A lot, actually.” 

Dara laughed. “That’s good to hear. Do you know how frustrating you’ve been lately?”

Noam smiled and wrapped his arms around Dara, pulling him into a hug. _Clingy_. “Sorry about that.”

“You’ll have to make it up to me.” Dara placed a hand on Noam’s thigh.

Noam slowly brought his mouth to Dara’s neck and softly kissed the hickey he had left there the day before. “Now?” 

“I mean, I just showered,” but he was pulling Noam further onto the bed. 

“We can shower again.” Noam’s hands were slowly moving up Dara’s body.

Dara kissed him slowly. “Not together. We won’t fit.” 

“We can try.” He had his hands under Dara’s shirt once more, warmer than last night. 

“So you’ll fit two people in that tiny shower for the chance of sex, but won’t dry off there if I ask you to?”

Noam paused his hands. “What is a bathmat for if not to collect water when you leave the shower?”

Dara rolled his eyes. “At _least_ , dry your feet before stepping onto it-tracking water all through the bathroom is a safety hazard.” 

“You’re a safety hazard.” Noam kissed him again. 

Dara kissed him back. “This isn’t the end of this discussion.”

Noam just smiled, agreed, and kissed him more. 

  
That afternoon, for the first time, Noam didn’t stop himself from touching, and being touched by Dara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe tell me ur thoughts and any problems u see or things u dont like I’m totally gonna rewrite this chapter in the far off future, but until then i will fix any mistakes if u let me know


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I dont know. I literally dont know. I think they go shoe shopping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah hello i bet none of u were wondering where I’ve been but I’m gonna tell u anyway! I genuinely thought it had only been 3 days until i checked when i last updated and saw that it had been over a week. I had a job interview and also i lost my cat and then i found my cat and also I think im gonna lose a friend also i did make cookies and they were fine and i have been listening to some podcasts and i got some new shoes and the space bar on my keyboard has fallen off so that’s cool 
> 
> I think I’m only planning 3 ish more chapters so that’s cool i guess maybe even less

  
Saturday morning was warm and bright. The skies were clear, not unusual for the time of year, but it somehow felt less comforting than the thought of rain. Spring would be coming soon, and that meant summer would be next, and that meant heat. Dara didn’t like the heat. He didn’t much like the cold, either. In fact, Dara preferred mild weather like any normal person should. The summer made his skin grow much darker and his freckles much more visible. The summer meant time at the beach, swimsuits and sunbathing. Eyes on his body. He was use to it, but had taken to avoiding the beach as much as possible after he started high school. Winter was better in someways. Lots of layers to wrap up in, to avoid attention, but it also meant people would take to looking at him like a present. Something gift wrapped, for them to tear apart, undress. 

Saturday morning was warm. Noam’s arm wrapped around his waist, his breath tickling his neck, legs tangled together under the sheets. It was the first time in his life that he felt love in this kind of way. Dara didn’t want to move and wake him, but he really, really wanted to watch him while he slept. Instead, he turned and hugged him. Dara took the chance to kiss his neck and just breathe in Noam’s scent. 

Noam wasn’t entirely asleep anymore and laughed quietly, eyes not yet open. “Dara…”

Dara gently pushed Noam onto his back and rolled mostly on top of him. Noam brought his hands up to wrap around him, hug him, hold him. In all his life, no one had touched him so gently. Dara kissed Noam on his mouth and then moved down to lay his head on his chest, listening to Noam’s heart beat. It was a reminder that this was real, that Noam was here, and it grounded him. Dara sighed once, softly, and closed his eyes again.

It was easy to fall back asleep there. Noam didn’t mind it, if anything he took comfort in knowing Dara was initiating physical affection that wasn’t sexual. Not that he didn’t like other kinds of affection, but Dara was still struggling to learn casual displays of love. It was a step in a new direction.

It must have still been early when they fell back asleep because when Dara finally decided to get up, it was only ten. 

The two of them got dressed slowly. Noam kept interrupting to kiss Dara’s face and tell him his hair looked good. It wasn’t true. Dara’s hair was messy and would take ten minutes more than usual to help it look appropriate. They had time. 

Noam left the room to get them breakfast in the cafeteria and returned twenty minutes later to find Dara still fussing over his hair. 

Noam handed Dara a bagel then sat down by his computer to study. At least, Dara assumed he was studying. It didn’t look too much like studying but Dara was busy with his hair and unable to pay it much attention. 

An hour later, Ames was at the door, asking where Dara went that he couldn’t answer any of her texts. 

The moment she stepped into the room, she understood. There were plenty of hints left scattered in the room. The bedsheets messier than usual, the state of Dara’s hair, and the clothes on the floor… maybe it was just how relaxed Dara looked that she figured it out. 

“You two make up quickly.” Was all that she said before Dara had thrown her out of the room. 

They were supposed to go shopping for new party heels for Ames. Dara said goodbye and kissed Noam before leaving. Noam was invited but said he had a lot of schoolwork to get done by Monday. 

They met Taye in the lobby and headed out to the mall. Ames teased Dara so much that day. They got to some designer shoe store where the staff already knew them and Ames was asking Dara for the details of his night while Taye was trying on sunglasses. 

“This big?” She held up a pair of four inch heels that were covered in jewels. 

Dara ignored her and she took that as a no. 

She held up a pair of heels that were a few inches taller than the previous ones. “How about this big?” 

Dara rolled his eyes and checked his phone. Noam had sent him a picture of a stuffed animal and it said “I want to kiss you” and then “bottom text”. A very, very stupid attempt at flirting, but it made him smile anyway. 

Ames sighed and picked up some even taller heels. “I’m not saying I don’t believe you, but if Noam’s dick is really this big, you’re gonna have to share.”

Taye laughed from across the room and Dara turned to glare at him. “I already told you guys, I’m not talking about it.”

Ames groaned and lay down on the bench she had been sitting on. “Come on, you’ve been whining about it for days and now that it finally happens, you won’t tell me anything?”

  
“I don’t even know why you want to know.” Dara returned to his phone to reply to Noam. **You’re an embarrassment** , he typed. “Yesterday you told me that you never wanted to think about it.” _Can I not keep anything to myself?_

“You are normally more than eager to tell us everything when you sleep with a guy.” Ames sat back up and reached for a new pair of heels. 

“This is different.”

“Because you actually like him?”

“Yeah,” Dara checked his phone and noticed Noam replied, **you love it.** And he did. He decided to ignore Noam for a while. “That, and, you guys know know him. We’re all friends. I don’t think he’d want me to go around and tell you all about-“

“I don’t want to know _everything_! Just,” Ames paused to find the right words, “I want to know that he’s being good to you.”

“He is.” Dara said immediately. “You know he is.” 

“Good.” That somehow satisfied Ames.

Dara leaned on the wall and kicked gently at Ames bench. “He really is great.” Dara lifted his eyes to see how she felt about that and glanced over to Taye to see if he was paying attention. He wasn’t. 

“As it turns out, sex with someone who cares about you can be so much better than anything with a stranger.” He tried to say it casually but she seemed to pick up how deeply this had affected him. 

“I’m glad you figured that out.” She looked happy for him. Dara really thought she was going to tease him for it, but she didn’t. “Now help me stand up, these shoes have the thinnest heel I’ve ever seen and, I swear, I will break my ankle without support.” 

“If they’re so bad, then why are you even trying them on?” Taye came back over to them and sat down on the little sofa next to Ames while Dara helped her stand. 

“Because I look _fucking hot_ in them.” She said it like it was obvious. “Come on, try and tell me I don’t look incredible in these shoes.” 

She was right. “They make your legs look great.” Long and thin, toned muscle and tattoos. With some dark lipstick and a tight dress, she could kill a man with a look. 

Ames smiled at him for the compliment and they got the shoes. 

They headed out to some new boba place that Taye wanted to try. It was fine. Dara got a drink for himself and something for Noam, too. Ames made fun of him for it. 

Taye made a comment on how things felt so much different now than six months ago, but nothing had really changed. He didn’t mean it in a cruel way, but it was true. Sure, Noam and Dara finally got together and Dara was able to admit the things that were done to him, but that was it. Gordon Ames and Lehrer had yet to face any consequences. Dara wasn’t sure he would even want Gordon to get in any trouble for their relationship. It still felt like it was his choice to get involved in the first place. Ames would argue over that but Dara didn’t care. He could easily just break off the relationship for good and then never talk to him again. He felt like that would be enough. 

The real problem is Lehrer. They had no proof and if Dara came forward without any, people wouldn’t believe him. Calix could get away with it. So far he had been getting away with it. Dara just couldn’t stand the thought of it happening to anyone else. If he never told anyone and things continued this way, if Calix hurt someone else, it would be Dara’s fault. He had to say something. Do something. He just didn’t know what. 

  
Dara returned to his room quickly after they arrived at the school. He gave Noam the boba he bought for him and then went to the tennis courts for a few hours. 

Dara spent the rest of the weekend trying to be happy with Noam and avoid thinking too much about whatever would come that week. Lehrer would be arriving back in Los Angeles on Tuesday. He would call for Dara either that same day or Wednesday. It would be hard to say until it happened. Dara could call and ask, but depending on his mood, that could go really well or really terribly, and knowing he would be upset about the fight already, interrupting whatever important business he was doing could result in a very bad night for Dara. Best not to risk it. 

  
Monday night, Dara lay in bed with Noam’s arms around him, breath soft on his neck, and prayed for the moment to last forever, that tomorrow would never come. He prayed to a god that he barely believed in that he would somehow be protected from the things he knew were coming in the morning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey i love u and i hope ur all having good days and you have all eaten today and tell me something wonderful if youre feeling gracious?


	26. Uninvited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dara goes to Lehrer’s apartment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Lehrer 
> 
> Just realized I haven’t been naming chapters, but idc.
> 
> I got a job! V exciting and all ik ik. 
> 
> Wanted to say that if I’ve ever justnot replied to a comment, its because I have anxiety, or I’m still getting around to it. 
> 
> I love you

The morning came. Dara hadn’t slept at all. Noam noticed, of course he noticed. Dara was picking at his nails and nervously tugging his curls before they even left the room. Dara spent most of the night staring at the ceiling, and was that way when Noam rolled over to kiss him good morning. 

Now, they stat together in the cafeteria for breakfast. Dara’s eggs were forced to endure some kind of punishment, being pushed around the plate by his fork without ever being eaten. The silence between them wasn’t uncomfortable, but it was making them each anxious. Noam didn’t know what was causing Dara’s unfortunate mood, and Dara wanted to keep things that way. 

After five long minutes, Dara sighed and leaned back in his chair, setting his fork down a bit too harshly. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing.” It felt wrong to lie to Noam. He only wanted to help. “I just forgot about a math test.” 

Noam didn’t believe that. “A math test on a Tuesday?” 

Dara shrugged. “It’s not like I picked the day.”

“You missed a couple days last week. You should get to reschedule.” He took another bite of something drenched in syrup. Pancakes, maybe? Whatever it was, it was gross. 

“I miss school all the time. This isn’t anything new.”

They sat in silence for another moment more. Dara’s eggs grew cold and he ignored it. Noam finished his own meal and then reached over to pull Dara’s chair close to him. The act unbalanced him, and Noam had to extend himself and grab at Dara’s wrist to keep him from falling over. 

Dara was not in the mood for this and opened his mouth to tell him that, when Noam smiled. It was small and teasing. Dara rolled his eyes and bumped Noam’s shoulder with his own. It helped him forget about Lehrer more than anything had in a long time. 

  
Dara had trouble focusing that day. It almost would have been better if he knew what would come. Almost. The anxiety was better than a beating. Both were familiar. Dara still spent most of school imagining what would happen when he saw Calix again.   
He skipped third period to hide out under the bleachers with a bottle of whiskey. Ames came to get him for lunch, to force him to eat. When Dara refused to go to the cafeteria, Ames called Taye to bring lunch out for him. They both looked worried. It was hard to remember the last time he was drunk at school. It couldn’t have been that long ago, right? After winter break? No, he was doing well then. Sort of. He was getting help then. So before winter break? Maybe. Unless he was drinking last week. But he wasn’t, was he? Not until after the fight, right? During his suspension? Ugh. He was not ready to think about this with this much alcohol in his system. 

The text came after lunch. Lehrer was asking for Dara’s presence at the house that night. Dara knew what the message would say before he even picked up his phone. He got up from his seat in class and left. He wasn’t going to be able to read the message or reply without a panic attack. He had to respond. He had to confirm that he would be there. His hands were shaking. It took a moment to type out the short reply and hit send.

  
Taye found him throwing up the contents of his lunch in the bathroom by the library and helped him back to the dorms. Dara begged him not to tell anyone about this, promised he would be okay, and even agreed to text Ames if he started to feel any worse. Taye looked reluctant to leave him, but class was starting soon, and he couldn’t miss today. Dara was sure he let Ames know later, before football practice maybe. He wasn’t going to wait around and find out when Ames decided to check on him, or when Noam would be coming back to the room. 

No one could know he was leaving. It was a bad idea to not tell anyone. He knew that. But they wouldn’t let him go if he did. Dara needed to go. Disobedience was punished harshly. He couldn’t hide forever. Calix wanted him at the apartment, so that’s where he needed to be.

Dara called a car to drive him to the building and then took the stairs up to the apartment. He was early. Calix might appreciate it, but that doesn’t mean things would be easier. 

He reached for his key, but the door was already unlocked. He stepped inside. The house was quiet. He listened for a moment to see if there was sound coming from the kitchen or maybe the living room. Nothing. It wasn’t a relief. He was here. _He was here._ All this meant is that Dara didn’t know which rooms to avoid, or where he should tiptoe. He had to be quiet the whole time, avoid being spotted or heard. 

The front door closed as quietly as it had ever closed, but he made it to what was once considered his room without drawing any attention to himself. He threw his bag on the desk and took off his shoes before climbing under his covers. It wasn’t long past five, and Dara was exhausted from the day and his lack of sleep from the previous night. All that anxiety that he carried all throughout school was mostly gone. Calix would call for him around dinner, but he would be safe until then. He could sleep. He could at least try to sleep. The sun was setting, and Dara feared the dark. 

  
A sharp knock on his door woke him. Dara rolled over and took a moment to build up the courage to get out of bed. 

_Dinner’s ready,_ Dara thinks he heard the voice behind the door speak. He wasn’t sure. He must’ve spoke, right? No one else was here. 

Water. Water would help. He was groggy from his nap and dehydrated. Possibly hungover, definitely still drunk. Dara slipped out of his room and headed to the kitchen. He could hear the table being set.

Dara took a breath and stepped into the room. 

He was by the stove, serving plates. If he hadn’t known better, he would’ve thought Calix hadn’t heard him come in. He did know better. 

After a long moment of silence, Calix told Dara to get himself a drink. This would normally mean alcohol, but Dara was finally sober. Well. He _was_ sober, until that morning. He debated for a moment between whiskey and water before settling on the whiskey. This night was not going to be fun and water doesn’t help Dara cope. 

“How are you feeling?” Calix asked, voice clear and without a hint of malice. He almost sounded genuine. 

_I feel awful_ , he could say. _I hate you. I hate this house. You make me want to claw my eyes out and tear my skin off my bones. Every moment in the same room as you is worse than the last. Being here makes me want to kill myself._ “I’m fine.”

“Should I make you a plate, or are you still starving yourself?” It was so close to sounding casual and kind. Kind wasn’t the right word. It was so close to sounding like whatever was the opposite of threatening. 

Dara could say nothing. Not now. Not ever. He could block it out. He had to try to block it out. Lehrer asked him about school. Dara didn’t hear his own answer. It was disrespectful. From the way Lehrer turned on him, that was clear. _I’m sorry_ , he said. _I didn’t mean it,_ he tried to get the words out before Lehrer’s hand collided with Dara’s face. The impact reopened Dara’s split lip and the force sent him nearly to the floor. 

Lehrer was approaching Dara again when there came a knock at the door. 

He looked surprised. Calix wasn’t expecting anyone. Dara didn’t know who would possibly be stopping by tonight. 

They both glanced at the door and then Calix stepped back, away from Dara. “Clean yourself up.” He said, taking a breath, adjusting his hair, putting back on the face he wore in public. 

The blood that was running down Dara’s chin now dripped onto the floor. Calix left Dara in the kitchen to answer the door. 

Dara’s hands were shaking as he reached for a hand towel. The unexpected guest was a welcome escape from Calix. Even if it had just postponed the inevitable. Dara leaned on the wall outside of the kitchen. Close enough to hear what was being said and far enough to avoid being spotted. He heard the front door open. 

“Noam Álvaro.” Dara could hear the frustration in his voice, but anyone else would have trouble spotting it. “To what do I owe your visit?” 

Noam fumbled over a greeting and managed to get out that Dara had left his laptop at school. He came by to return it. 

Dara felt himself making his way to the door. Noam was asking to see him, Calix was telling him that Dara wasn’t feeling well. 

Dara turned the corner and caught Noam’s eye. 

“Hey.” Noam said, taking in Dara’s state. 

He knew his cheek was still red from where Lehrer slapped him. He still had the towel pressed to his lip. “It reopened.” Was all he could say. Noam could figure out what happened. 

Dara approached the door. Noam said something about how good the food smelled, and Calix invited him inside for dinner. Dara had no idea why he did that. It was unexpected, for sure. And then Noam accepted. They were all moving inside. Noam did actually bring Dara’s laptop with him, and handed it to him. Their fingers brushed. Dara set the laptop in his room and took a moment to franticly text Ames, **why is Noam here??**

He got no reply. She probably wouldn’t ever reply. Dara took a breath. Noam was here, obviously to try and stop whatever he thought was going to happen. Calix was in an interesting mood, he had to be to invite Noam to stay for dinner. Noam was going to try to stay here for as long as possible. He didn’t want Dara to be alone here. Dara wanted to be mad. 

The chattering in the kitchen sounded light and conversational. It was a relief to know Noam didn’t come here for a fight. That wouldn’t end well. 

Dara headed to the bathroom to clean up his face before facing Noam again. The reflection in the mirror was all too familiar. Blood leaving streaks on his chin, eyes wide with panic. He looked startled. 

Dara washed his face with cold water and took a moment to lean on the sink. The alcohol had yet to leave his system. _Why was Noam here? What was he planning on doing?_ He had asked these questions already. He had a good idea about the answers.

Dara returned to the kitchen to see Noam and Calix in a deep discussion about immigration policies. They had been talking about school when he left. 

A glance at Noam supplied that he was either a much better actor than Dara had ever thought, or he was actually becoming buddies with Calix. 

They moved to the dinning table. Dara helped carry the plates and sat quietly in his usual spot, Noam took the seat across from him.

The topic returned to school. Their fight was brought up. Noam kept glancing at Dara while he explained what happened. The bruise on Noam’s face was fading by now but Dara could see it when he turned his head. Calix seemed to be enjoying himself. Maybe he poisoned the food and was waiting for them both to fall over and die. Maybe he was excited to find a way to hurt them. 

Dara tried to eat. The food was fine but every time Noam opened his mouth to talk, Dara was afraid that he would say the wrong thing. Noam was talking so much. Dinner ended and Noam pulled Calix into another conversation on foreign policy and then undocumented immigrants in the work force. Dara was too concerned about this situation to pay attention. They moved to the living room after dinner, and Noam sat next to Dara on the couch. A bit too close to only be friendly. It didn’t matter. Calix already knew. Dara still felt sick when he saw Calix’s eyes fall on to anywhere Noam pressed against him. 

Noam discreetly brushed his knuckles against the back of Dara’s hand in an attempt at comfort but Dara quickly crossed his arms and leaned away. Calix didn’t mention it, but he knew. He always knows. 

Noam stayed until midnight, talking and talking. Restarting dying conversations, brining up things he knew Calix couldn’t help but discuss. Dara tried to be civil, and for the most part, he was. Calix didn’t even seem to mind the situation. Ames finally texted him back and the noise interrupted the flow of the conversation. Noam took a breath and that was when Calix stood up, asking Noam if he needed to call a car for him. Noam didn’t want to go, and when the car arrived, Dara offered to walk him out. 

Calix headed to the kitchen to clean up dinner, and Dara watched him until the front door shut all the way. 

“ _What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”_ Was the first thing out of Dara’s mouth when they were alone. 

“I-what?” Not the reaction Noam expected Dara to have, it seems. “What do you mean?” 

“What do i _-God, Noam!_ ” Dara grabbed his wrist and started to drag him to the stairs. “You can’t just show up here! Unannounced, invite yourself to dinner, and stay until after midnight.”

“Okay, he invited me in for dinner, actually,” Noam protested, “And why shouldn’t I do this?”

Dara was nearly pulling Noam down the stairs, dragging him from the building. Noam was trying to slow the pace and talk about what had happened, but Dara didn’t want to. 

“Dara, wait.” He tried to grab Dara’s wrist and get him to stop, but Dara still flinched way and let go of Noam. 

“What?” He snapped, turning on him in that stairwell. “What could you _possibly_ want now?” 

“I don’t understand why you’re mad at me.” Dara wished Noam wasn’t so good at using those goddamn puppy eyes. 

“You shouldn’t have come here without telling me.”

“Would you have let me if you had known?”

Dara didn’t answer. 

“Right.” Noam against the wall with a sigh. “Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?” 

Dara didn’t answer that either. “You need to mind your own business.”

Noam laughed coldly. “Mind my own business? How is this not my business? He’s abusive, he hit you. I heard him hit you.” 

_Why would you have been listening to that?_ “I’m working on it. I’m trying, Noam. I am trying so hard to get through this. I don’t need you to come here and try to protect me. I can handle this.” 

“You shouldn’t have to.” Noam sounded angry. “He should never have touched you.” 

Dara was trying to hold back tears at this point. “I know, I know, but I just have to get through these next few months and that is it. I’ll be free of him.” 

“That’s not enough.” 

Dara turned away from him and brought his arms up around himself. “It would be for me.” 

“How can you say that?” Noam raised his voice and it made Dara jump. He lowered it again. “He should have to pay for what he did to you.”

“You have no idea what that would mean.” His tears finally spilled. “If I came forward, I would have to deal with the media, the police, a trial, I would have to prove what he had done. People would know.” _I don’t want anyone else to know._

“We can get proof.” He pleaded. 

“I can’t do it. If I’m too much trouble, he will kill me, Noam. _He will_.”

“He can’t.” The defeat was evident in his voice. 

Dara shook his head. 

They walked out to the street, Noam still dragging his feet. 

They stopped before getting to the car, and Noam hugged him. He pulled Dara tight against his chest and held him there for a long time. Dara hugged him back. 

“Come with me.” Noam said. “We don’t have to go back to school. We can just go somewhere far away from here. Out to the country, or north. We could drive north, to Oregon, Washington, Canada, if you want. Whatever you want. We could just leave.” 

No matter how safe he felt there, in Noam’s arms, Dara couldn’t convince himself to go with him. “I love you.”

Noam held him tighter, and took in a breath. “I love you too.” 

When they finally broke apart, Noam brushed back Dara’s hair and kissed his forehead, then his cheek, then once on his mouth. “I’m here for you, when you need me.” 

He made Noam get in the car and leave. He had made Calix wait long enough. It was time to go.

He headed back inside after watching Noam’s car disappear in the streets, noticing that there were no clouds that night. The sky was clear. Dara could see the stars. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really thought i was gonna make myself cry here, but i didn’t, so that’s cool
> 
> Lmk what y’all think about this! 
> 
> I love you 💕


	27. Being Handled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: lehrer
> 
> Hiiiii how are all of you today? I hope the four or five of you still reading this enjoy this chapter!!! Its kinda long!!! Just a couple more and then this is over!!!!! How crazy is that? Lol ik y’all aren’t as invested as i am but i really have enjoyed writing this so lmk if you have any suggestions for more, different works for me to do once this is over! I would love a new project to work on and while i have so many ideas i will always love more!! 
> 
> I love you!! Thanks for reading!!

Dara took the elevator back up to the apartment. His footsteps echoed in the halls and the door opened quietly. He was careful to shut it quietly as well. The sink was running in the kitchen. Dara carefully made his way to there, heart beating loudly in his chest. 

Calix was washing their dishes from earlier and setting them out to dry. Dara approached cautiously.

“That boy likes to talk, doesn’t he?” 

Dara didn’t answer. There was nothing he could say, and he needed to stay calm right now. Don’t poke the bear.

He set a plate out to dry on a towel on the counter. “He’s got some strong opinions.” Calix reached for another plate. “How long did you say you had been… _seeing_ him?” 

The tone implied Dara had been doing far more than just seeing Noam. “About a month.”

“He’s different than your usual type.” Calix moved to pick up another dish. “How much longer will this one last?” 

He was trying to upset him. Make him emotional. “I don’t know.”

Picking up another towel and drying his hands, he turned to Dara. “Invite him back over for dinner another time. I’d enjoy talking to him again.”

 _I’m sure you’d like to do so much more than talk to him._ “Okay. Can I go?”

Calix looked him over, up and down, seeing if Noam’s presence at dinner was punishment enough for the night. 

It wasn’t. It never would be. And when Lehrer’s hands collided violently with his body, Dara did his best to block it out. 

  
There was blood dripping down the side of his head when he was done. It could have been worse. It could have been so much worse, and Dara was thankful that it wasn’t. Lehrer was tired. Noam’s stupid plan didn’t work exactly how they wanted it to, but it could have been worse. 

Dara cleaned up in his bathroom when it was over. He let the hot water burn his skin as he tried to remind himself that it would only be a few more months until he was free of this all. He wanted to be free of this. He just had to make it to graduation, and then he would be able to run away to some prestigious school on the other side of the country. Far from Calix and his big, strong hands that so often found themselves wrapped around Dara’s neck. 

Noam’s words about running away together had stuck with him. It would never work, of course. Calix would always find him, bring him back, hurt him again-and now, he was aware of Noam and what Noam meant to him. Dara had never cared about another person like he cared about Noam. He couldn’t let Calix hurt him, but he couldn’t stop it, could he? Lehrer likes Noam. That was clear. Noam was young, attractive, passionate-and if Lehrer didn’t go after Noam for himself, he would hurt Noam to hurt Dara. Leverage. 

Dara had nothing but his word and his bruises as proof. No one would believe him. Not now. Or no one would care. This was Calix _fucking_ Lehrer. There’s not a single person who would take Dara’s side in this. No one with the power to do anything would take Dara’s side. 

So he couldn’t go to the police. That left, what? Going to the media, ruining him that way? Would anyone ever even run a story like that? About Calix Lehrer raping his own child? No. No one would run that story, or if they did, it would only be in the tabloids. And Dara wasn’t sure he could handle that. He was an adult now, he wouldn’t be protected from prying eyes and paparazzi looking for more gossip. They would tear Dara apart piece by piece until there was nothing left.

That left one thing. One horrible thing… No. Not the time to think about that. Suicide was bad enough, but _this_? No. Maybe. _No_. He couldn’t… right? That would be-that would be bad. He couldn’t. Except, maybe he could. _No_. No, he was tired and had too much to drink.

Dara got out of the shower and stood in front of the mirror, watching new bruises form in front of his eyes. He could never take Lehrer in a fight, but with a weapon? _No_. _Stop it._ He needed to go to bed. It was late. He was tired. Drunk, yes, he was drunk _._

  
The morning came quickly when Lehrer woke him up. The sun was bright and shining through the window, and breakfast was already made. They had plans that day. Dara had to pay close attention to too many things. They went shooting, out of the city, out to the hills. Dara knew how to shoot. He knew guns well, but if he couldn’t pull the trigger against his own head, how could he do it to someone else?  


The drive back to the apartment was long and Calix kept tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. Dara had to keep himself from jumping each time he heard the noise. He tapped again and Dara clenched his jaw enough for it to hurt. 

“How’s Gordon Ames?” Calix asked after they had been driving for a while. 

“You would know better than I do.” _I haven’t spoken to him in months._

“He’s been asking about you. Especially since your… _outburst_ in December.”

 _Outburst_. Right. Because making this up to be a fit of teenage angst would absolutely clear a guilty conscience. “Okay, so, what? You want me to go see him? Spend the night with him? Make him feel special?”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself.” He laughed. “I don’t care if you want to stop sleeping with Gordon. You can make your own decisions.”

“You want to pass me around to some more of your friends, then.”

“I don’t pass you around. We both know you’re the one throwing yourself at any man who gives you the slightest bit of attention.” It was cruel, not untrue.

“I don’t do that.” He knew it was pointless to argue. “I haven’t done that in a long time.”

“I didn’t realize a month was such an eternity.” He did paused to see if Dara would react, and when he didn’t, Calix continued. “How is Noam, anyway? Are you keeping him happy?” 

“That’s not your business.”

“Of course it’s my business. Everything you do is my business. You always seem to forget that everything you do is a reflection of me, my parenting.”

 _Parenting_. The phrase made him nauseous. Dara snapped. “Why haven’t you killed me yet?” 

“Why would I do that?” He laughed quietly. As if it was a stupid question. 

“I’m too much trouble, aren’t I? Everything I do is wrong. You’re never satisfied with anything.” _I’m getting too old for you._ “You act like I’m such an embarrassment. Why haven’t you killed me yet?”

“You would like that, wouldn’t you?” Dara looked away from him. Calix seemed to contemplate it for a moment. “You seem to think I enjoy punishing you.”

“Don’t you?” 

“Of course I don’t. I don’t want to hurt you, Dara. You do this to yourself.” He has said these words before. Every time. _It’s your own fault. I don’t want to. You’re giving me no choice._ “Every time you act out, it’s a reminder of my short comings as your father.”

Dara rolled his eyes and in a spiteful voice, “Oh, like you could ever do any wrong.” 

He sighed and tapped his fingers against the wheel again. “Everything I’ve done has been for you.” 

Dara couldn’t keep having this conversation. It went in circles. He couldn’t win. Calix would never see logic. He couldn’t see this from a perspective that wasn’t his own. It was pointless. The rest of the drive was mostly quiet. It was hard to have a conversation with someone who saw you as a toy. A tool. Disposable. Replaceable. 

  
That night was bad. Rough. Punishing. Violent. It was one of the worst nights he could remember. His whole body was sore and he hated himself for not resisting more. Maybe if he had done something different. Maybe if he was better. 

“No.” He said. “It’s not my fault.” 

Alone in his room now, he could feel the pain in his side where Lehrer had thrown him against the dresser. Bruised ribs. Possibly a concussion. He had hit his head again and it made him sick. He couldn’t keep doing this. He had to try. Try and leave. Run away. His laptop had been left open on his desk, a faint glow of a light suggested it wasn’t as asleep as it should have been. Dara shut the screen.

Noam’s words from that night were coming back. _We could just go_ , he said. _Anywhere you want_ , he pleaded.

Calix had never been this rough to him so quickly. He’s cruel, not stupid. He normally gives Dara some kind of recovery period. This time, he didn’t. It scared him. Dara wasn’t ready to try and live for something, but he didn’t want to die just yet anymore. Ames would never forgive it. Noam would be heartbroken.

  
Dara left the apartment early that morning. He hadn’t been able to sleep, but he needed Calix to be in bed when he left. It would give him longer to do what needed to be done. Whatever that would be. Ames would say murder. Noam might also think murder, but that was just a guess. He needed to think. Plan. He needed to do something. 

  
Dara took a car from the apartment and spent a few hours driving around the city. It had been four when he left that morning. It was almost nine when Dara noticed he was at the school. 

Parking the car was fine. Walking back to the dorms would be a problem. He hadn’t cleaned himself up when Calix was done with him. He had just thrown on his clothes when he left and he was only able to tug his curls down to cover the cut on the side of his head. He was wearing a relatively old pair of jeans and his T-shirt definitely had blood stained around the collar. His eyes were red and swollen from crying. He looked frantic. Messy. Insane. 

Three steps out of his seat and Dara heard someone call his name. He ignored it. He pressed a hand against his rib cage. That was starting to hurt. Another fifteen feet and he heard the bell ring. Classes were changing. The halls filled with people, and one by one they all turned their eyes to see him. The usual morning chatter was now absent and he heard his name being called once more, a teacher acting concerned. He kept walking. Adrenaline had worn off a while ago and he had sobered up at some point. 

Whispers started. They could have been more quiet. Theories as to why Dara looked so fucked up started to fly. He tried to ignore them. 

_“Was he in a car accident?”_

_“He got in a fight with a crazy ex, I’m sure of it.”_

_“I thought his dad did that to him.”_

He should have waited. He should have waited until the passing period was over. His name was called again, this time in a familiar voice. A voice he trusted. 

Dara paused and turned to look at her. He took the moment to lean against the wall. “Ames.” 

She looked worried. It was a familiar expression by now. “What are you doing?” Her voice was even and attempted to be comforting. 

Dara thought for a moment. There was no explanation he could give her. He leaned his head back against the wall. “Oh, just,” he waved his hand in a gesture that he immediately regretted, pain shot up through out his body once more. He winced and took a breath and tried again. “I have English soon.” 

“No.” She said. “I think you can miss English today. Let’s… get you back to your room.”

She took a step towards him and he let her. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.” Ames reached out and touched his arm first. When he didn’t pull away, she put her arm around him to give him some support. 

“What, this?” He gestured to himself. “It’s just a new trend. Blood makes a surprisingly pretty lipstick, and what’s left on my clothes just help tie it all together.” 

“Right.” She helped him start to head back to the dorms.

  
She helped him onto his bed and got him a change of clothes. He was still covered in sweat and blood and tears and other bodily fluids, so it didn’t seem to help much but the gesture was appreciated. 

“What happened?” Ames sat down beside him in the bed. She took his hands and held him there. He leaned his head on her shoulder. 

“Nothing new. I-” he sighed. “I couldn’t handle it today.”

She tried to brush his hair back and out of his face but the dried blood on his forehead refused to let it happen without reopening the wound. He felt himself wince and pull away. Ames reached for a wet towel to try and clean it. 

“It’s never been this bad.” She said. 

“No, I never let you see it get this bad.” 

Her hand squeezed his a bit too hard. “I’m not letting you go back there.”

“He won’t let me go.”It was the closest he had ever come to accepting help.

He looked at her and she spoke, “He is still just a man.” 

Dara didn’t reply. It was true. He was powerful, but he was still human. He leaned against her again and let her clean up his face. 

Dara’s ruined clothes were thrown in a pile in the corner of the room. He rest his head on the pillow and let Ames think about what to do. His head hurt.

Noam was texting them both, asking what he could do. Dara didn’t reply. He loved Noam, he did. He just couldn’t be seen by him right now. That might finally break him completely. 

  
A knock came later that day. It felt like forever, but had only actually been an hour or two. It was school security looking for him. Lehrer had called, asked if they had seen him. He was waiting in the office to take Dara far away from there. Dara didn’t want to go, but they didn’t care. He was all but pulled out of bed and taken from the room. He saw them hesitate when they saw his physical state, but they didn’t stop. The dean of students was there and she pulled out her phone and dialed a short number. 

Dara thought they were heading to the office, but they turned right instead of left outside of the dorms and took Dara towards the gym instead. 

Was that a good thing or a bad thing? He wasn’t heading to where they told him Lehrer would be, but maybe they were heading towards a doom of a different kind. Maybe he could make a run for it. Dara glanced around. The school was still crowded. Exits were locked. There were faces peaking at him from the classroom windows. 

They got to the gym and then headed for some offices in the hall. It was somewhere Dara hadn’t gone before. The plaque on the door read a name he didn’t recognize and the office was empty of all personal belongings. There was just a desk and a couple chairs as well as a dusty bookshelf in the corner. Seemed like as good a place as any to finally kill him. 

They sat him down in one of the chairs and he listened to the door shut behind him. Minutes went by. Dara was anxious. Heels clicked down the hall and then the door opened and closed and there was the dean again, holding a steaming styrofoam cup in one hand and her phone in the other. She set the cup down in front of Dara and gestured for him to drink. 

It looked like tea. It smelled like tea. He figured if he would be poisoned, there would be far worse ways to go out. It tasted like tea. Cheap tea, probably old, but it was tea. 

The dean sat down in the chair opposite of him. Her name was Cherry. She scolded him after the fight last week. Not an unkind woman, but tried way too hard for someone working at a high school. 

He didn’t look at her. He wasn’t sure what to do. Dara didn’t know what was going on. She didn’t bring him to Calix. That could be a good sign.

The silence stretched on before them for what felt like half an hour. The old clock on the wall had stopped working long ago, so it was hard to tell. 

He could feel her eyes on him. “Do you have someone you could stay with for a while?” 

That caught him off guard. He looked up at her. “What?” 

“Can you find somewhere to stay for a while? You don’t have to, but it might be safer than staying here. I can’t imagine you would want anymore attention at the moment.”

So, Calix would not be taking him anywhere for the time being. “What’s going to happen?” 

“I don’t know. Right now all we can do is remove you from his custody and contact the authorities.” 

“It won’t work.” He said. How could it? It was so fucking simple and there was no way it could work. 

“It’s better than doing nothing.” 

That was the first time any adult thought that in this situation. “And why the sudden change of heart?”

“Dara, you show up to school, covered in blood and bruises, limping around campus-how could you expect me to do nothing?”

“My freshman year I collapsed on the tennis courts with broken ribs and this school taped me up and sent me home. How is this any different?” 

She didn’t reply for a moment. The answer couldn’t be good. “This was more public.”

There were pictures. Proof of Dara’s state. How he came to be in that state was still up for debate, but no one was denying that Dara arrived on campus after having been through something traumatic. Dara set his tea back down on the table. 

“You should stay with someone for the next few days. Carter Ames, perhaps? Or that Álvaro boy.” Dara rolled his eyes at that. She continued. “Get away for now. The police are on their way here to take Lehrer into custody until things are sorted out.” 

He hated that phrase. Sorted out. 

Cherry changed her demeanor, put on a softer face. “I can’t imagine this will be easy for you.”

Dara had enough. He couldn’t leave the room, but he could refuse to talk to her. The police came to take Calix away as quietly as possible. They also asked for Dara to come down to the station as well, but a quick medical examination revealed a hospital would be a better choice. 

He was walked to the parking lot, an officer leading the way only after Dara had refused to be escorted out on a fucking gurney. The wind had picked up again and Dara pulled his jacket tighter around himself. Across the other side of the parking lot he saw a tall figure being lead to an unmarked police car. The image was unsurprisingly void of handcuffs. 

He paused when he saw Dara. He didn’t look mad. He didn’t look upset. It was hard to see, but Dara was sure he look amused. Their eyes locked. His cold gray eyes forced Dara’s gaze away. The officer in front of Dara asked him kindly to step into a vehicle of his own. It didn’t look comfortable. Maybe a gurney would have been better.

Dara got into the car and he couldn’t help but to feel more alone than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I’m thinking the next chapter will either be up tomorrow or Wednesday or a week from today. Hard to know exactly. I’m in a mood where I’m doing lots of writing? I’m having a pretty good week ngl and i should get paid on friday so I’m super excited for that!!!! Anyway i love you and i hope you all get to eat your favorite meal in the next week or so!! Last Wednesday i had India and Italian and then on Thursday i had sushi so i really have been eating well oh my god!! Sorry, sorry, i hope you all enjoy this chapter and lmk what u think or what u hated or whatever!!! <3


	28. What do I deserve?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: alcohol, drugs, depression ???
> 
> Dara deals with what happened in a very unhealthy way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This chapter is definitely not what i wanted it to be. Ik i probably shouldnt tell u that but idc! I had to split it into two and took out quite a bit of things! This was the hardest things for me to try and write ever? I dont even know why? Like nothing really happens? Like hard emotionally? Anyway if I’ve been ignoring comments that’s the reason why. The next part should be up within the week and then i think there’s just one more chapter after that! Ik i keep saying that lol but i really mean it this time i think! We’re almost done! So two weeks and this should be over!
> 
> Thanks for reading! I always love input! Lmk what u think!

Ten hours. Dara spent ten hours in the hospital before being discharged. 

He had no idea where he would be going when they were done, but, when the doctors finally let him leave, it was Taye’s parents waiting to take him home. It’s not what he expected. Ames, for sure. Maybe Noam. Not Taye’s parents. He was thankful that Ames and Noam weren’t there to see him in that state. He didn’t want anyone to see him that way. 

Mrs. Washington brought Dara a change of clothes and took him back to their house. There was a room made up for him, and they offered food when they got there. Dara politely declined and instead took a shower. 

It had been about a day since Calix had touched him, and he was only now able to wash that away. He scrubbed at his skin until it hurt and let the hot water burn away all that he was. The whole experience at the hospital left him feeling vulnerable, humiliated, and exposed. It was a different kind of traumatic than that which he was use to. 

Clean sheets, hot tea, and pajamas that were way too big waited for him when he was done. They didn’t ask questions. It was far more than he expected and more than he could ask for. More than he deserved.

The room he was staying in was just as a guest room should be. Almost normal, but one or two things slightly off. Ceiling fan too loud, furniture slightly wobbly, or window with a strange view were all to be expected in a guest room. Taye’s house had the problem of the blinds being slightly too low to truly block out all the light of the street and the nightstand was a bit too short. 

He tried to sleep. Dara got into the bed, under the covers, and tried to sleep. Every time he closed his eyes he could see images he tried to forget. Every sound of the house sent fear all throughout his body. Every passing car made him anxious for an arrival. 

Every time he closed his eyes there were big, firm hands gripping at his arms. A warm body pressed against his own. He was being tossed around like a sailboat in a storm. The ocean swallowed him whole, filling his lungs with salt water. Every cry for help was drowned out by the sound of waves. 

Choking, gasping for breath, he would wake up. Cheeks wet with tears and body shaking with fear again, he would lay back down with his covers pulled up over his head and his body curled up tightly. The shadows of the furniture made unsettling shapes in the room and kept him uneasy. 

Around four, Dara got up and switched on the bathroom light to illuminate the room. It helped, but he still couldn’t rest.

  
The next morning Mr. and Mrs. Washington got up and left the house. His world was falling apart, and they got to go around like nothing had happened. Dara took the opportunity to rummage through their liquor cabinet. He wasn’t proud of it. 

  
The police contacted Dara that day, and let him know that charges would be pressed against Lehrer wether or not Dara wished to cooperate. He needed another day to think about it. He talked to Ames about it. She told him that he needed to cooperate. Noam said something similar, but implied he would support Dara either way. Not that Ames wouldn’t support him, but she knew Dara might regret missing this opportunity. 

Dara decided to help as best he could. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if Lehrer got away with this.

  
He locked himself away in the guest room for two days after that. He turned off his phone, refused guests and spent his time drinking his way through whatever alcohol he could find in the house when the Washington’s were away. 

Taye came home on Sunday to bring Dara a couple of things that he needed. Clothes, chargers, schoolwork and books to keep his mind busy. Taye also came with messages but Dara refused to hear them. He just needed more time. 

  
Ames came by for a visit maybe four or five days later, but Dara couldn’t find the energy to talk to her. They just sat in his room for a long time drinking. She didn’t try and ask too many questions, but Ames said she supported him coming forward about everything. Dara wasn’t sure what that meant. He never told anyone anything outside of the hospital and the officer that had been asking him questions. Did people know? 

The next Friday, he ran out of alcohol and he didn’t want to text Ames to get more. Monday, Noam came to visit. He brought back the book Dara gave him before winter break. Dara’s favorite. Old and worn with dog-eared pages and annotations. A hard copy. The two of them talked about nothing for a long time before Dara finally broke down in front of him. 

_I’m sorry_ , he said. _I should have left with you._

Noam held him until they stopped crying. 

  
He stayed over that night. Taye’s mom just asked that Noam sleep on the couch and give Dara the space he needed. 

They watched an old movie in the living room and Dara was able to fall asleep next to him. 

  
Tuesday morning, Dara finally built up the courage to ask what had happened. What people knew. Noam explained that there were photos circulating within the school of Dara’s arrive at school and Lehrer’s arrest. People knew that Lehrer hurt him, but there were only guesses to the extent of it. Calix Lehrer had been arrested for doing some horrible things to his adopted son and he was now out on bail or something. Noam didn’t know, or he did know and didn’t want to tell Dara what was going on. Noam didn’t seem very happy to tell him. That could either mean the media was supporting Calix, or he was just worried about Dara’s mental state. Hopefully, it was just the mental state. 

It was a big story. People were still trying to figure out who exactly his adopted son was. Dara was still anonymous, but that wouldn’t be for long. 

  
Dara withdrew again after that. Noam went back to school but stopped by almost every day to visit. Dara had trouble seeing him. Some days he would just turn Noam away completely. Others, they would just sit in silence for a few hours until Noam had to leave again. It wasn’t easy. He wasn’t making this easy. Noam was doing all that he could, and Dara couldn’t return the effort. Maybe they should take a break. It would be easier for Noam, Dara thought. One less thing to worry about. Dara could let him focus on school, football, whatever else it was he was doing with his time. Maybe they could try again later. If Dara could make it that long. 

Ames came by again with alcohol and Dara drank until he couldn’t move. He didn’t want to think about what was happening outside of that house. Taye’s parents would lose their patience soon enough. They never did like him much-they knew he was a bad influence. He would’ve stayed with Ames if her father wasn’t there. Dara couldn’t deal with that either.

His entire body ached. Most of his injuries had healed, his ribs weren’t feeling fantastic, but they would be soon enough. There would be an aching in his chest, wether or not his body was healed. It wasn’t something physical. 

  
By the end of the second week after the hospital, Taye’s parents were growing tired of Dara’s behavior. He knew it, even if they wouldn’t say anything. They were doing as much as they could, but it was time for him to go. Ames’ house was next. Gordon wouldn’t be in town for a week or so, dealing with some important things back in D.C. and likely having people handle Lehrer’s arrest. It was fine for the time being. It was Dara’s only option.

Noam came by and helped Dara setup in a guest room. Unspoken conversations raced through their minds. The knowledge of what went on in that house wasn’t as quiet as some would hope. Ames and Noam then left Dara alone for a very long time. There was more alcohol in this house. More than alcohol. Pills that made the world melt were hidden in a little plastic bag in Ames’ dresser. 

He wasn’t sure how long he had been laying in the bed when Ames joined him. He felt like he was dropping, or maybe he was waking up. Had he been sleeping? Fuzzy and dizzy and really dehydrated, Dara tried to sit up. Ames pushed him back down. She was speaking words. Dara couldn’t understand what was being said to him. He was feeling tired again. He went back to sleep. 

  
It was afternoon when Dara finally, really, woke up. Came down. Felt almost sober. Hungover. The next day was nausea and headaches and crying. _Why was he crying?_

“You have to eat something.” The voice sounded like Ames. 

Cold tile pressed against his forehead, the lights were still too bright. He couldn’t find the energy to form words. She made him bathe and then helped him get dressed and made him some food. 

The next day he was more of himself. He didn’t exactly feel better, but he had enough self control to not pick up another bottle.

Ames wouldn’t say it, but Dara hadn’t been well.

  
Dara’s lawyer contacted him. He let Ames listen in on the phone call after Dara had refused to meet in person. He didn’t want to listen to what was being said. He didn’t like that they spoke of what happened so generally and distant. There was evidence. He understood that. Lehrer had left plenty of physical evidence, they said. And he didn’t deny that it happened. When asked directly, he admitted what he did and he claimed in was consensual. 

Dara spent an hour throwing up in the bathroom once that call had ended. 

  
_Consensual_. Lehrer was claiming Dara consented to being-being _hurt_ like that. The lawyer said that it would be unlikely anyone would believe that story with the evidence they had. Dara didn’t believe her. He couldn’t. He couldn’t allow himself to hope this would have a happy ending. Lehrer would find a way to cover this all up. He always does. He would cover up what happened, get away with it. And then he would hunt Dara down and kill him. Or maybe kill him first and then cover the whole mess up. Either way, Dara would end up dead and Calix would be triumphant. He would get away with it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyy <3 hope y’all are doing well! Leave a comment if u want! I love you! Thanks for reading!


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